Osama, standing in front of his 200 volume children's series, The Pious Kitty
Osama's Journals Are Full of Poems About Puppies, Bombs
Osama Bin Laden, who is still dead, left behind volumes of personal journals and flash drives full of information, which officials are pouring over like a middle-aged housewife devours a British royalty edition of US Weekly. What they've found so far is that Osama was much more in charge than they thought, according to Osama at least. Plans were found for many past failed bombing campaigns, as well as future ideas about the future of terrorism, with Osama sounding like Nostradamus with a vest full of explosives. The most provocative info concerned Osama's ideas on striking cities other than New York, particularly Los Angeles. Osama said that they should target trains and strike on an important day. Little did he know that LA has about as good a public transport system as a Somalian village. As for the 'important date' maybe he should have struck during the premiere of the next Anne Hathaway movie and done everyone a favor.
Ron Paul Wouldn't Have Killed Bin Laden...
But he would wrestle him to the ground with his bare hands. Texas Rep. Ron Paul said in a radio interview that, if he were president (if we could be so lucky), he would not have ordered Osama Bin Laden killed in Pakistan. Rather, Paul says that he would have coordinated with local police and have arrested the al qaeda leader, ensuring that he faced a civilian trial. Already out of the Republican mainstream, Paul went onto make some actual sense. He made the analogy that, if Osama were in London, it's unlikely that we would have ignored British police and conducted the raid on our own. Wow, a real good point. Honestly, I'm stunned that a Texas Republican just made the best point I've heard all year. And the American people will reward that critical analysis by not voting for Ron Paul and marginalizing him as a fringe hack. Because, after all, Newt Gingrich is...a guy who we're familiar with and Mitt Romney...yeah, we know his name too.
Buck Naked Strikes Again
While Ron Paul was killing it on the radio, the other Republicans did their usual sneak attack for their worthy cause of killing everything that's not them. Rep. Buck McKeon, submitted their version of the Defense Authorization Bill, which included a tiny, tiny little amendment that might be a tiny, tiny bit important. The amendment states that an "authorization of military force includes the authority to address the evolving threat posed by these groups." In human language, this means that the bill would hand over complete power to the president to fight terrorists, whoever they may be, in the name of The War On Terror. After learning that they can get whatever they want in the name of war, next year, Congress will introduce the War On Sting, which hopes to eliminate the threat of the musician Sting. Then the following year, they will release the War On Not Getting Blowjobs to tackle a serious problem among the barren wasteland that is an American Congressman's nether regions.
Bonus Story:
Unsurprising News of the Day: You're Being Tracked On Facebook
We all kind of saw this one coming right? Symantec Corp says that third parties are "accidentally" getting user's information online throught the applications available on Facebook. That means that these companies now know that most Farmville users are lonely, boring compulsive masterbaters, who enjoy Sugarland and the movie Transformers. Is it still a violation of privacy if the privacy isn't interesting?
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