Lady of Mindwafers Patrice will soon be inducted in the Umass Lowell Athletic Hall of Fame, not for her legendary partying skills but her tremendous field hockey career which brought her to the NCAA National Championship game. Patrice was interviewed on the Sports Forum a local public access TV show in Wilmington MA to talk about the upcoming ceremony....
Raise your next glass to Mindwafers' own Patrice in celebration of her accomplishments. It's great to have someone on our staff who doesn't have back pain trying to get off the couch.....
From Jill
Martha Stewart…thank you for making my life along with the lives of hundreds of thousands of women everywhere, way more stressful and difficult. Your “easy creative ideas” have turned hosting an informal house party into a real huge pain in the @ss. Thanks to you, women can no longer just cook a meal and serve our guests. As if that wasn’t difficult enough, now we have to make our own place mats out of pine cones and berries, craft martini glasses out of pipe cleaners and “make gifts for each guest with these 55 easy steps.” On behalf of women everywhere, I’d like to say….thank you Martha Stewart and every one of your imaginative employees for making the lives of women today “easier.”
From Jill
Have we women completely lost our minds when it comes to beauty? I know this is nothing new but how did this bullshit get started? Ridiculous beauty regimens have been around for thousands and thousands of years. Remember foot binding?! The act of breaking the arches and toes of your feet and tying them in tight cloth in such a way that they become the beautiful size of 3 to 4 inches long?! These women suffered so much pain that most were confined to their homes for their entire lives. They were lead to believe from a young age that no man would marry a woman unless she participated in this torturous act of making her feet smaller. Luckily women no longer do that, but in many other ways everyday women prove again and again that “You must suffer to be beautiful.” Here’s a list of ludicrous things women do for beauty. You tell me, have women’s beauty routines advanced much since the age of “Foot Binding?”
From KJ
OK, so I really thought that if I closed my eyes they would just go away. Looks like that trick doesn't work - AT ALL. In fact, the open-toed boot trend has taken it to the next step by opening up the heel too. Can we just show off the two most unsightly parts of the foot, please?
Balenciaga has brought us these boots for fall. Yep, F A L L - I just don't get it, it does get cold in the fall, correct? Why on earth would I want my toes and heels turning purple, or better yet, frostbitten? Honestly though, who wants to look at somebodys nasty cracked dry heel hanging out in the back, and then thier evolution toe hanging out up front... Anyway you slice it - it's not a good look! I mean one of the best things about fall is that you no longer have to get pedis. These shoes are not ok with me. In fact you should probably be shot if you own a pair, or better yet, ever thought about owing a pair.
The thing about most open-toed boots is that they just look like boots that had an unfortunate incident. These also look they have been in an "accident" of sorts, but the construction worker style of the shoe makes it much more interesting. The shoes tell a story and it goes a little something like this ...
A Paris Hilton type gets stuck with community service after yet another DUI and has to pick up trash off the side of the 495. Never to be one to look bad in uniform, the trendy little devil has Balenciaga design the fiercest construction boot anyone has ever seen. Voila! The insane toe-less, heel-less boot is born...
Someone hand me a barf bag.
From Patrice
A healthy and a happy to you all and I hope you all had a great Halloween there in the land of the cold and frost, or wherever you are! Checking in from sunny Arizona, where the temperature doesn't drop below 75 and Daylight Savings Time isn't even acknowledged, it is weird to get into the spirit of All Hallow's Eve when every costume you see is so-and-so with shorts and sandals. The heavy capes, hats, and jackets are nowhere to be found. People drink cold margaritas and icy beers at Halloween parties instead of warm cider jack and hot chocolate Baileys. The sun is still up when the kiddies go trick-or-treating if you can believe that. But one thing that doesn't change is wherever you go, hot or cold, tropical or igloo, you'll see one thing at Halloween: girls dressing up like rock star sluts!
Now don't get me wrong - if you've got the body, you flaunt it. And I've never been accused of modesty with my Halloween costumes. You wanna go from Nurse to Slutty Nurse, or Devil to Slutty Devil, or Cheerleader to Slutty Cheerleader...wait I guess that one is irrelevant...be my guest. Nothing makes me prouder than a fellow lady rocking her feminine mystique, throwing her inhibitions to the wind and showing a bit of skin to liven up the party. But all I ask for is a fair game. Girls have a free pass to rock the tiny short shorts or the leggings and the mini, and what do guys do? Nothing. They wear boxes on their heads or huge robes or foam rubber. Hello! Where's the skin guys??? Why can't you guys be Sexy Ninja Turtles or Sexy Mario & Luigi or Sexy Batman? I'll even settle for Sexy Accountant or Sexy Freddy Krueger. (Please, no face boils.) If we're gonna wear the 6 inch heels, the see-through mesh tops, the glow-in-the-dark bras, and garder belts, we deserve equal play. We want exposed thighs and calf. We want forearms and tight butts and six packs. You can even draw them on with Sharpies. We won't tell, promise! Shave! Fix your hair! Slut it up for us! If we can be sluts on this one great day of the year without any consequences, you should do the same. It's only fair.
Well that's all for now. Think about it guys. You have 363 to work on your costumes and I better see results! After all, if we
show you our treats, we should be able to get some trick.
Namaste!
 Getting laid is the real fantasy for these guys From Jill
It’s Sunday morning and a normally grumpy morning riser pops out of bed with a smile on his face when his alarm clock goes off. He scurries into the living room, fixes the surround sound, picks up his computer and turns on the TV. By this time, I’ve already fallen back to slee-- ”FUCK! Are you KIDDING ME?! You fuckin idiot!” I wake up scared out of my mind until I realize…oh yippee it’s Fantasy Football Sunday.
Let me first explain that although I come from a mother who knows every rule of football and watched the Patriots religiously every Sunday through the good and bad years, I myself hardly know ANY of the rules of football. At times I couldn’t be more confused or even know who has the ball. I’ve even been known to cheer for the wrong team. I grew up in a soccer town and played soccer my whole life. Football wasn’t even an option for the guys in my town. Sutton was “Soccer Town” and we have the trophies to prove it. So being engaged to someone that watches not only the Patriots but EVERY SECOND of EVERY NFL GAME on Sundays and let’s not forget the game or if we’re lucky 2 that’s on Monday nights, is well…not so bad thanks to Fantasy Football. Let me explain.
Most women are lucky enough to have boyfriends or husbands that have football buddies that they hang out with on Sundays and watch the games together. Because of this, these women are able to go out and about on Sundays shopping, to the beach, out with friends, etc. But because my fiancé and I live far away from home with only a hand full of friends, I am my fiancé’s “football buddy.” Honestly I can’t really say who I feel worse for, him or me. But Fantasy Football has at least made this “football buddy” a little more interested than normal. Could it be the fact that my fiancé just happens to be the “LEAGUE COMMISSIONER” of his Fantasy League? Maybe. Is that a highly paid position with high stature you ask? Well no, but somehow I find it very sexy… Even I can’t keep a straight face on that one.
For those women that don’t know how Fantasy Football works and for those that really don’t give a shit, let me make the explanation plain and simple. I’m explaining how I THINK it works, this should be interesting.
The group of guys that want to play in the same Fantasy Football League or “Fantasy Geek League” as I like to call it, pick numbers out of a hat to determine the picking order.
Every person, when it’s their turn, picks a player they want to “draft” onto their team. The players they draft can come from any NFL team as long as someone else in the same fantasy league hasn’t already picked them.
They continue drafting players until each person has a full roster. This draft also involves a lot of swearing, name calling, and a pizza/beer/smoking break.
Every week, each person’s fantasy team plays against another person’s fantasy team in that league. Each team receives points based on the actual performance of the members of the fantasy team in a variety of categories during actual professional football games played during that week. All real life statistics have associated point values, and each player’s points are summed to produce your weekly total. This determines which fantasy team wins each week. If your team’s total points beat the total points for the fantasy team you are playing against, you win.
Now that most of you are sleeping, let’s take a small break to talk about this season’s episodes of The Hills. God, I love this show. I know it’s ridiculous, and it’s totally not real but somehow I just can’t skip an episode. And although the Commissioner of the Fantasy Football League may say otherwise, he can’t either.
If you don’t watch it regularly let me get you up to speed on what’s happening in this season’s thrilling episodes. Lauren Conrad is finally off the show pursuing her fashion career, thank God. I could not take one more season of her never having sex. She was the most boring person to watch and I think the show is way better without her anyway. She was just a little too unslutty for my liking. But thanks to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt or Speidi as some may call them, I’ve never missed an episode. And although I love the show, you will not see me buying the series on DVD.
ANYWAY… Kristen Cavallari, from Laguna Beach, is now one of the key players on The Hills. Although she is also very annoying (I think that’s one of the musts of being on the show) at least she’s scandalous. She is dating Justin Bobby, Audrina Patridge’s ex whom she “dated” slash got stood up by every day for the last 4 years. Kristen is also (according to a sneak peak on next week’s episode) about to try to get in the pants of Jayde Nicole’s boyfriend, Brody Jenner. Jayde Nicole just happens to be the 2008 PlayBoy Playmate of the year. You really have to have some big balls to try to steal a Playmate’s playmate, which is why I secretly love Kristen.
OK, back to Fantasy Football. Where was I? Oh yes explaining the rules zzzzzzzzzz……
So you may be asking yourself, how does Fantasy Football make football Sundays more exciting? It’s because when your house only has one TV and it just happens to be on the Baltimore Who Gives A Rat’s Ass Ravens VS. Minnesota Give Me Another Vicatin Vikings game, you can ask your man what guys are on his Fantasy team and you now at least have something to cheer for. Then you are not completely bored out of your gourd and your man is happy that you’re cheering for his guys.
I know, Fantasy Football may seem like such a retarded, silly, mindless make believe thing for your man to be involved in, but doesn’t the passion with which he watches every game kinda turn you on? Maybe that’s just me. I guess the only thing that I can remotely compare my man’s fantasy league to is my obsession with FaceBook. How can I spend hours a day reading status updates of “Watching DWTS” or “is so tired, is it Friday yet?” from people that are my “friends” on Facebook but in reality is my cousin’s ex girlfriend that I somehow can’t de-friend because I’m secretly keeping an eye out for when her status changes to “In a relationship” so I can tell my cousin? And you think FANTASY FOOTBALL IS RIDICULOUS?! I really can’t see justifying how that would make sense. We all have our interests and luckily the majority of THE COMMISSIONER’s interests only really ends up taking up one full day a week for a few months out of the year. If that makes him happy then I’m happy too. I just thank God he doesn’t watch college football.
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