- Philly fans have been known to throw everything from broken bottles to batteries during their games, but one Philly fan has turned it up a gross notch. Police say Matthew Clemmens intentionally vomited on an off-duty police captain and his daughter during the Phils-Nats game after his buddy was kicked out. He was charged with assault and harrassment.

Hey I'm all for sticking up for your buddy if he's had a few too many and gets booted from the stands, but I think young Matthew may have gone a bit too far. "Hey man, sorry you got kicked out, but I got them for you - I totally puked on that cop and his 11 year old daughter! It was awesome. We showed them whats up, Phillies baby!!!" Um, gee thanks? Should I go vomit on someone to return the favor?

Not only does this story make my skin crawl, but now we have a new weapon to fear during an altercation. Sure you can frisk people for their guns, knives, and brass knuckles, but how do you disarm a puker? I mean, I'd rather be shot six times than have some crazy guy throw up on me. I just spit up on my keyboard thinking about it.  I guess you just got to be careful you don't get tangled up with a puker. But they are tough to spot. They're like sleeper agents - you never know when they're gonna strike.

-Reece

- Some spectacular news on this April 15th Tax Day: a pro-mustache group headlined by a tax professor in St Louis calling itself the American Mustache Institute is calling for stimulus money for taxpayers rockin the lady tickler. According to tax policy professor John Yeutter, mustached Americans deserve their share of stimulus money and is proposing a $250 annual tax incentive for people with their very own dick mops.

I can't say this loudly enough - WE SUPPORT THIS INTIATIVE! Mindwafers, home of the Mustache Challenge (only 8 months away!), is in full support of more mustaches and more incentives for mustached citizens. After all, a good flavor saver is something to be enjoyed and rewarded.  Support the AMI and let's hope that by this time next year, Uncle Sam will be sliding a check to all those out there with a little upper lip love.

-Reece

- Two women were arrested at a London area airport for trying to sneak a third person - a dead 91 year old relative - onto a plane. They outfitted the deceased man with sunglasses and pushed him in a wheelchair, but unfortunately, due to the airport terminal's playing of the song "Tunak Tunak Tun", he was soon exposed.

- A new poll has indicated that US parents are the most unruly and misbehaving adults during children's sporting games, out of 22 countries surveyed. You know what that means? US, number one baby!! That's fuckin right! What you don't believe it? You better believe it, its' right there in the fuckin print! Don't make me come over there and kick your ass, pal.

What? What did you say to me???? Son a bitch.....

- A son has filed harrassment charges against his own mother for posts she has allegedly wrote on his Facebook page. Now, this isn't a spin-off of last night's epic South Park, but in fact, a real story out of Arkansas. The son alleges that his mom, Denise New, hacked into his account, posted slanderous things on his Wall - like he wasn't interested in joining his classmate Erin's Mafia Wars or that he didn't comment on his friend Brad's new Huffy ten-speed - and he in turn, slapped her with a harrassment charge.

On the one hand, I want to sympthaize with the kid here. Facebook has become the 21st century sock drawer - you hide all your good shit in your sock drawer and youpost all your ridiculous thoughts, pictures of you being a  drunk buffoon, and the crazy things you did last week on the 'Book. You don't need your Mom poking around in that world. But is it me or this kid that most technologically retarded person on the planet? If you want to ignore someone on Facebook, it couldn't be easier. You block then, you hide their comments, you basically e-murder them and never have to worry about it again. Wipe your hands of them and be done. If this kid couldn't figure out how to block his Mom from seeing his shit, then he's a complete numbnuts. Score one for the Mom for figuring out how to track her degenerate son.

-Reece

 - A new PSA on FunnyOrDie.com by Meghan Fox and Brian Austin Green is taking new shots at the Calfornia legislature, including Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is proposing a $2.5 billion dollar cut to the state's education budget. While this cause is notable, one cannot help to ask himself.....why the HELL is Meghan Fox still dating Brian Austin Green? I mean, it's David Silver! He looks eternally 17 years old. He hasn't had  a career since we both we're in high school - mine, real high school and his, fake West Beverly High. C'mon, Meghan, step it up. Do it for the kids. They're already losing their schools and invaluable education. Don't give them false hopes that a girl like you might end up with a craeer loser that once produced this awful television moment...

-Reece

- Some people grow up wanting to be an astronaut or a world class chemist or a star athlete. For Donna Simpson, her dream is to be fat. Like really fat. Like the fattest of all time. The New Jersey woman is chowing down steak subs, mounds of cheese, and all the fast food she can get her grubby sausage fingers on in order to become the heaviest woman on the planet. She is eating her way in hopes to making herself 1,000 pounds to qualify for the Guiness Book of World Records. She is also said to be fine with just having the record of "heaviest birth mom", which has got to just wonderful news for her child. There's a Mom you might want to leave at home in her trough during "I Am Special" Week.

As if this story couldn't get any grosser, she uses the Internet to fund her $750 a week eating habits by solicitors who pay to watch her shovel food in her disgusting gullet. And her boyfriend, easily the sickest of the bunch, supports her goal of becoming the planet's heaviest planet. "He's a real belly man," she explains. Let's see. She's eating her way towards 1,000 pounds. Her ass probably resembles a palet of cottage cheese smashed by a sledgehammer. Her legs probably look like two pasty drumsticks. And her boobs must look like two punching bags from a gym from the 1920s. Every thing else on her blob excuse for a body probably has the look and feel of silly puddy I think all that is left is to be a belly guy. Go for it, my man. Ride the jelly waves.

-Reece

The new Expandables Trailer just hit the internet.....

- If you're asking yourself, did I just fuckin see Stallone, Schwartznegger, and Bruce Willis in the same fuckin scene in a movie.....yes, you certainly. And yes, that is action movie ejaculate running down your leg.

And and just for kicks, this movie also stars Jet Li, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren (Dragoooooooo!), Eric Roberts, and filling in for Wesley Snipes, Terry Crews. And oh yeah, just for kicks - Randy Couture and Stone Cold Steve Austin. I just had a testosterone aneurism.

-Reece

- Stunning views! Gorgeous landscaping! The souls of murdered Sunni tribesmen beneath beautiful marble-encrusted floors! Yes, you too can own a fabulous villa once home to everyone's favorite wacky mustached Iraqi dictator. That's right, Saddam Hussein's former villa properties are now going to be remodeled for tourists to visit Iraq. Let's see - roadside bombs, kidnappings and beheadings, shady barely-existant government, where do I sign up at the travel agency? Iraq - for the wonder of it all!

- A hungry patron in South Brunswick, NJ leapt into a drive-thru window and assaulted a McDonald's employee when they allegedly took too long making his Filet-O-Fish sandwich. It's hard to fault this guy, though; that damn "Gimme that Filet-o-Fish" jingle is so friggin catchy, I would be lunging at people if I didn't get my sandwich either. What if it were you, stuck in that car? If that were you hitting bitches that didn't give you your sandwich, you wouldn't be laughing that far!

-Reece

(Yes worst rhyme ever.)