 Crowd surf if you support the troops Why People Suck, reason number 29: The Response To The Death Of Osama Bin Laden
Leading Off: Reece In case you were living in the same underground cave he was, yesterday marked the official Osama Bin Laden Is Dead holiday, which was invented by drunk college kids all across this great nation of ours. The celebration of our armed forces’ precision assault against Bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, months in the making, was met by frat boys taking to their campuses and quads, waving American flags and playing patriotic games of Flip Cup and Beer Pong. In celebration of America, they drank and sang and beat each other up and drank some more. And for those who were truly hit hard by the event, they celebrated in a more appropriate manner: setting fire to shit, flipping over cars, and running around naked. The celebration raged throughout the day, as classrooms went empty, for the real, true patriots of America, the young men and women of our nation’s future, had to sleep off their Bin Laden hangovers in order to get ready for next week’s finals.
Yep, it’s a proud day to be an American. While our nation’s armed forces celebrate one of the greatest strategic victories in recent memory, our nation’s idiot forces also celebrated like collective lottery winners: a lot of drinking, a lot of chanting, and a lot of looking like complete asses. It’s days like this where my patriotism is almost outweighed by my embarrassment for my fellow Americans, who are like that Price Is Right contestant who is so overwhelmed by the big stage and Bob Barker and the big wheel that they faint when the camera points at them and Bob asks for their first bid. Here the world looks to us for a positive, rationale reaction for the death of our greatest enemy and what do we give them? Drunk “U-S-A!” chants and kids that were 8 years old during 9/11 streaking naked and breaking bottles over each other’s heads. Instead of showing the world we can handle the spotlight, we poop at all over the Showcase Showdown and lose the brand new sports car.
Why People Suck, reason number 28: The US Healthcare System
Leading Off: Mike
Just mentioning the words “Health Insurance” can make a person physically ill. Unfortunately for them, their insurance doesn’t cover that kind of illness and they’ll have to pay for the nausea medicine 100% out of pocket. On every paycheck we see the money safely deposited into these companies bank accounts, yet any time we actually try to use this service we are paying for we are met with nothing but red tape and additional fees. Makes you wonder what the hell you’re paying for in the first place, doesn’t it?
 Anytime now, Hollywood. Why People Suck, reason number 27: Where Is The Hollywood Support for Japan?
Leading Off: Reece
The multiple tragedies unfolding in Japan are staggering to say the least. They almost remind you of a bad Hollywood disaster movie. First an earthquake, then a tsunami, then numerous nuclear meltdowns. If you were proposing what’s happened to Japan in a script, movie executives would laugh at you and throw you out the door. “An earthquake, then a tsunami, then a nuclear explosion? No way people would buy that!” It is almost as absurd as the amount of devastation and calamities that have affected Japan in the last few weeks. What else could possibly go wrong over? And no, I won’t make a Godzilla joke. I’ll leave that to some asshole like Sal Pimento...
 Apparently becoming a millionaire at 15 qualifies you as an 'epic failure' Why People Suck, reason number 26: Justin Bieber Haters
Leading Off: Mike
It seems every time I open a magazine, surf the internet, or turn on the TV these days, I find something or someone shitting all over Justin Bieber. My question to all of you is why? What horrible, unforgivable thing has Justin Bieber done to deserve all the hate and venom spewing his way? I’d be OK with it if there was a gay hair joke here or there, but it’s at the point where everyone who is not a 12 year old girl hates this kid’s guts, and I just don’t understand why.
Why People Suck, reason number 25: The Overuse of Lawyers
Leading Off: Reece
Count me as one of the people who upchucked on the spot at the latest development of the Fountain Lady Texter story, which all began innocently enough with one of the world's oldest slapstick gags: the ol' stupid person falling down. Stop me if you've heard this one before: Cathy Cruz Marrero, completely oblivious to the outside world as she has her face buried in her iPhone, takes a Olympic swan dive into a mall fountain as she is texting. The video, captured beautifully by mall security cameras at the Berkshire Mall in Reading, Pennsylvania, went viral to the tune of 2 million hits on Youtube in a only a few days. Marrero joined the annals of some of our most famous faller-downers that went viral, such as Scarlet, Dance Dance Revolution Fat Kid, and countless other retards who have fallen down and been laughed at by America.
In case you've missed it, enjoy...
Ah man, I haven't laughed that hard since Dumb & Dumber. But here's the twist on this tale as old as time itself. Marrer has decided to hire a lawyer and is comtemplating suing the Berkshire Mall for failure to assist her or have any security personnel check if she was all right after her watery tumble. Furthermore, in an interview with Good Morning America alongside her doughy faced lawyer, she hints at suing the mall for posting the hilarious video on Youtube as a possible violation of her civil rights.
Why People Suck, reason number 24: The State Lottery
Leading Off: Mike
Every once in a while you'll hear a propaganda ad on the radio in Massachusetts touting the State Lottery as this Robin Hood-like character that rounds up massive amounts of money to spread among the cities and towns of the Commonwealth providing us with "paved roads, teachers, policemen, and firemen." Or in other words they pander to the common idiot out there who hears about the wonderful things this money is buying without thinking about who it's coming from or the fact that it's simply a marketing campaign against the lottery's main competitors - the Connecticut Native American Casinos.
See, the idea is that we can convince Joe Public that if he blows his paycheck on scratch tickets instead of roulette that somehow he's doing a service to his community by keeping that money in the state. And that really sounds great in theory, but so does Communism. It's when you put that theory into practice that you see the real costs and benefits, and in my opinion the benefit of distributing $898 million in revenue (as Massachusetts did in 2010) is not worth the cost of stealing this money from the least educated and poorest members of our community.
 See I can still get down... Why People Suck, reason number 23: Being The Creepy Old Guy
Leading off: Reece
There is nothing worse than being that guy at the bar, at a party, at a social gathering where you look around at everybody and go, what the fuck am I doing here? I told myself I would never let that happen to me. I said I'd die before I was that guy. But lo and behold, the Reeceman entered into that rarified air on Saturday night occupied by only the finest of creeps, weirdos, and old fogies. Yes sir, I was that guy. I was the dude that was just too old to be there. And it. Was. Awwwwwwful.
Why People Suck, reason number 22: Birth Control Ignored In Sex Ed/Health Class
Leading Off: Reece
I remember my first Sex Ed class. It was freshmen year and this weird humpty lady named Ms. Saindon, who was as attractive as a foot covered in gangrene, was tasked with teaching a rabid group of hormone-raddled fourteen year olds the birds and the bees. And anal. Ok, not anal. But she had the job of trying to explain to a group of super sexually-charged up kids about safe sex. And I can remember it as clear as day. The words "penis" and "vagina" being freely spoken in a classroom like they were "Lewis" and "Clark." What the science of baby-making really was. What you could and could not catch from sex. Facts about teen pregnancy, facts about AIDS, and frank discussions about herpes and calmida and genital warts, and all those other funny sounding diseases that we used to call each other at the bus stops, now being openly talked about. Sure we all knew about sex already. But to finally discuss it in a classroom with an adult - it was liberating. It was refreshing. Ms. Saindon was probably our first non-parental information source on the brave new world of teenage sexuality. Gross, maybe, but refreshing.
Why People Suck, reason number 21: Nobody Likes Gross Naked People
Leading Off: Reece
HBO does everything else so well. Run through their credentials - top notch original programming, terrrific cutting-edge sports and comedy specials, and some of the greatest televisions shows in the history of the box. The Wire. Curb Your Enthusiasm. The Sopranos. Sex & The City. The critical praise, the Emmys, the accolates, are all well-deserved and well-earned. Nobody makes a better program than HBO. When it's all said and done, HBO could be the most important and significant channel that has ever existed in our culture. It is nearly perfect.
But holy shit how do they fuck up porn? HBO porn is one of the biggest disappointments in the history of dirty TV. While Cinemax is coming at you with Red Shoe Diaries and Co-Ed Confidential and Showtime has The L Word and Secret Diary OF A Call Girl, HBO just whiffs and fails at providing the weakest, lamest, and grossest – yes I said it, grossest – soft-core porn of any of the cable channels. G-Strings Divas? Great, feature a strip club where no girl is hotter than a 6, and that’s even with bad lighting and $12 micro-brews. Hookers At The Point? Yes because I enjoy my pornography to feature toothless crack addicts, pimps with velvet hats, and sagging, drug-ravaged breasts and cellulite. Taxi-Cab Confessions? Would be great if they eliminated each segment where the couple talked for 55 minutes and then got dropped off in front of a motel for sex in the last thirty seconds of the show. Oh wait that’s every segment. And of course, no list could be without the crowing jewel of HBO’s soft-core sexually dysfunctional line-up, the perpetually disappointing Real Sex series.
 Does this go in the Long Wait bin or the Very Long Wait bin?
Why People Suck, reason number 20: The Netflix Deal With Hollywood
Leading Off: Reece
If an alien race ever landed on our planet and took a long, hard look at the last 15 years or so of technology, they would have to be be nodding their giant gray heads and widening their lid-less beady black eyes at how crafty the average human has become in such a short span. They would see that human beings have an amazing capacity to develop and invent technology to stick it to The Man. The music industry wants to sell a crappy album for full price with one or two decent singles? Napster, baby. We invented peer to peer filesharing, and we forced the music industry to change their entire corporate structure to not only respect but also market their product online and in way that didn't screw the paying customer. Society encouraging you to hit the gym, join a fitness club and lose weight? Wii Fit - the first video game designed to help you lose weight while playing with a magical wand of controllers and A & B buttons. Save your monthly gym money - buy Wii Sports Resort or Wii Big Beach Sports. And Hollywood making us drive to Blockbuster to rent their overpriced movies, threatening us with late fees if we don't rush back and return it before they say? They would see that we now have the ability to stream films onto our homes and PCs and that we can watch a movie that was once up at the theater now in our own bedrooms without having the leave for the video store. They would see this wonderous Netflix technology and have to be impressed that we finally stuck it to the movie studios. But I think after all that, after soaking in all these technological advances and seeing the huge strides made in transferring high quality video content to home theaters and computers, they would still ask us, What does Very Long Wait status mean?
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