By Doza The Mendoza
Gather 'round - all 19 fans left of the NBA. A new voice has joined the Mindwafers staff that will pick up where football has left off - Doza Mendoza will be bringing you meaty helpings of roundball action. A lifelong Celtic fan and owner of the fierce sports boner not medically induced, Doza will be breaking down NBA and sports action for the Wafe.
Enjoy his debut......
Wounded Warriors - Can the Celtics Survive? 
It’s time the Celtics resurrected Pat Morita to rub on KG’s calf, Rondo’s feet, and Perk’s leg.
Ainge said the timeframe for Garnett’s return will be 2 weeks or so (Happy Kwanzaa to Celtic Nation) but we’ll probably see KG version 3.0 (’09-’10 Garnett – drags the reconstructed knee, can’t corral high rebounds) rather than KG version 4.0 (Oct ’10-Dec ’10 – the reconstructed knee is fully healed, dunks on toolbags like Andrew Bogut, see shades of KG version 2.0 the best help defender in the league). That means more power forward responsibility for Big Baby and Jermaine O’Neal – the latter of which plays more like Jermaine Dupri (the guy who’s married to Janet Jackson, for all you white people).
Was 2008 the apex of this Ainge-Rivers regime? The green Kool Aid drinker, Larry Bird poster owner, Celtics sneakers rocker- in me, wants to say no; however the rational NBA fan, owner of stacks of VHS tapes of the Gatorade Slam Dunks contests since 1987, watcher of the big picture- in me, thinks unfortunately yes. Unless KG comes back fully healed and Rondo’s plantar fasciitis miraculously goes away, I foresee the 2011 playoffs to have battles against young teams a la 2009 versus the upstart Chicago Bulls. We should win those, but then we have to take on the re-loaded Orlando Magic (they’ll trade for another big man before the deadline, I’m sure) and the pseudo-boy band Miami Heat, who are now jelling like Pauly D’s hair. Shit, maybe Jackie Chan can fix all these injuries with his fire burning (if you didn’t see the new Karate Kid, don’t bother – the new skool Miyagi uses fires instead of rubbage).
 It’s Gotta Be the Shoes
Rajon Rondo and Tyreke Evans both have plantar fasciitis. This occurs when there is too much pressure on the sole of the foot (somewhere, Rex Ryan is jerking off). Both rock Nike’s new technology, the Hyperdunk and the Hyperfuse. These sneakers are lighter than house shoes (those are slippers, for you white people). They are more nylon than rubber. Granted, Nike has done a wonderful job making sneakers lighter, but they forget about what is needed most: fuckin’ support.
Check out the list of players that rock these sneakers. I ain’t a doctor, but something isn’t right here.
1) Brandon Roy, Portland Trail Blazers – missed 17 games in ’09-’10 and might be out the rest of the season due to a bum knee. Sneakers: Nike Hyperfuse
2) Tyreke Evans, Sacramento Kings – has plantar fasciitis on both feet and a procedure may be needed to correct the problem, will yield up to 3 months of healing. Sneakers: Nike Hyperdunk
3) Manu Ginobili, San Antonio Spurs – missed 114 games in his NBA career. Sort of a bad example, since he’s been out for not only a bad right ankle, but also a broken nose. He might as well pull a “127 Hours” and cut off his right arm since he’s all left like Barack Obama. Sneakers: Nike Hyperize and Hyperdunk
4) Rajon Rondo, Boston Celtics – missed 10 games this year due to plantar fasciitis on both feet (Rex Ryan has finished twice already) and a sprained right ankle. Sneakers: Nike Hyperfuse
5) Deron Williams, Utah Jazz – missed 14 games in 2008 due to a severely sprained ankle in the preseason. Sneakers: Nike Hyperdunk
What’s Gonna Happen in 2011?
Another year has passed and the local sports scene is lining up to be amazing in 2011. The national NBA scene has a few upcoming events that should create an exciting 2011 playoff run.
 Carmelo Anthony will be traded to the Knicks.
Make it happen already, Donnie Walsh! No one snitches in NYC, so Carmelo will mesh seamlessly with the local NY gang scene. Carmelo’s wife, former MTV VJ, is probably hoping for the New Jersey Nets, being that she is a Nuyorican from Brooklyn (where the Nets will be moving). Jay-Z and Mikhail Prokhorov will drown themselves in a bubbly mix of Armand de Brignac and Stoli vodka. If Carmelo ends up not going to New York, it will be more disappointing than Snooki not dropping with the Times Square Ball.
Antoine Walker will sign a 10-day contract with the Indiana Pacers. Former Celtics coach Jim O’Brien is there, former teammates Walter McCarty and Vitaly Potapenko are there too. He won’t spend too much time there, but it’s a great way for him to network and get other jobs (i.e. Jim O’Brien’s wife is Dr. Jack Ramsey’s daughter – Jack Ramsey of ESPN radio. Can you imagine Antoine Walker on ESPN Radio saying, “Thanks for listing to the NBA on ESPN radio, I’m Antoine Walker and I still owe money to a lot of people.”)
Contraction and re-location will be talked about like crazy. The New Orleans Hornets will be defunct. The Charlotte Bobcats will be defunct. The Minnesota Timberwolves may be in danger. The Sacramento Kings will re-locate – how fun/dangerous would it be to put a team in Vegas? No way. Too crazy.
Yao Ming will be traded for money purposes. It was a sad day for Asian basketball when I realized that Yao Ming will never be the same player and will probably retire. Not only did he single-handedly create a boom in business and industry in China for the NBA and basketball, but he motivated Asians throughout the world to do something other than be good at math and bad at driving. See: Far East Movement: Like a G6 is the best song on the radio, especially if you are sipping sizzurp in your ride. The Asian guy from The Hangover, Knocked Up, Couples Retreat, the converse commercials with Derrick Rose: his name is Ken Jeong, by the way, and HE KOREAN. (say the part in caps in an Asian accent. Please note: only I can make jokes like this, being an Asian). Who am I kidding, we rule the world, especially Filipinos (Manny Pacquiao, Tim Lincecum – half-breed, Tedy Lecap Bruschi – half-breed, Shane Victorino – half-breed, Jason Bartlett – half-breed, Nate Robinson – his great-great grandfather was a Flip, Mark Munoz – Filipino Fighting Machine of UFC fame, Baptista of WWE – half-breed, Nicole Scherzinger of The Pussycat Dolls – half-breed, Arnel Pineda – lead singer of Journey, Apl.D.Ap of the Black Eyed Peas, Chad Hugo of The Neptunes, Vanessa Hudgens in High School Musical – half-breed, countless dance groups like JabbaWockeeZ, Super Cr3w, Quest Crew and Poreotix, Charice Pemengco on Glee, Patrice Mendoza of Wilmington, MA – Umass Lowell Hall of Fame inductee)…..breathe, breathe. Sorry about that. I have a Napoleon complex / anger that everyone made fun of the way my house smelled in the 90’s, so I go off on tangents to show how awesome my nationality is. My bad.
Russell Westbrook will win the Most Improved Player Award …although Kevin Love is nasty. Dude’s like a white version of Moses Malone with three-point range AND his uncle is in the Beach Boys. Sick. Monta Ellis already won, but he’s ripping it up again after being invisible for a year or so. Also, Stephan Curry is getting better every game. He’s got that black n’white baller DNA that gives him the strengths of both a black player (athletic ability, streetball swagger, killer instinct) and a white player (dope jump shot, passing ability, more talkative in interviews on NBATV). Other blessed black n’white ballers are mulattos like Jason Kidd, Deron Williams, Mike Bibby, Richard Jefferson, Tony Parker, Kevin Martin, Shane Battier, Jordan Farmar, Drew Gooden, Joakim Noah, Delonte West and Blake Griffin. The last 3 are blessed with black n’white baller DNA but certainly not good looks.
The Final 4 teams will be the Celtics, Heat, Spurs and Lakers. The Celtics roster depth will overpower the East, the Heat will get all the calls, the Lakers will come back strong and the Spurs have Gregg Popovich. The Mavs are the Mavs…great regular season, wack ass playoffs. The Magic doesn’t have enough frontcourt help for D-Howard and not enough basketballs for all the shooters like J-Rich, Hedo, Nelson, Reddick (anyone hear his rap songs with teammate Ryan Anderson? Both whities) and true gunslinger Gilbert Arenas (middle name “Brings My Guns to”). Finals will be Spurs versus Celtics. The green Kool Aid drinker says the Celts win. The VHS tape collector of NBA’s past says the Spurs will win.
-Doza
 This season has brought us many surprises: The resurgence of Michael Vick, the collapse of the Minnesota Vikings, the dongs of Brett Favre and Brandon Spikes just to name a few. The fantasy football world is currently witnessing a similarly strange phenomenon. Teams who have been riding high with top performing quarterbacks are suddenly left without. Aaron Rodgers, Matt Cassell and Kyle Orton have all been beset by injuries (Yes, I am convinced that Orton is hurt; there’s no other explanation for it) at the worst possible time. Hopefully you have a quality backup, or took my advice on Orton a few weeks back. If not, there may still be some hope for you.
As I’ve said throughout the season, you should always work to improve your roster. Just because the guy hitting waivers wouldn’t be a starter on your team doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pick him up. Anytime that you can upgrade your depth chart and at the same time, prevent the other teams from improving, it’s a win-win. Hopefully you were wise, and have a decent quarterback who can step in and help you win. If you’re resorting to picking someone up, here are a few options that may be available to you.
Jon Kitna: Kitna has been a pleasant surprise to fantasy owners. Even with Dez Bryant out for the year, Kitna has been able to hook up with Miles Austin and old pal Roy Williams on a consistent basis. Start him with confidence against a shaky Redskins defense.
Josh Freeman: Tampa Bay’s starting QB has matured dramatically in his second season. His complement of young, talented receivers gives him value in both traditional and keeper leagues. If you’re in need of a quarterback for week 15, Freeman’s matchup against the Lions could be a waiver-wire dream come true.
Kerry Collins: Sure he’s old and probably past his prime, but Kerry Collins can still throw with velocity. The best thing about Collins is that he’s facing the Texans’ secondary this week. Houston is so bad, they‘d probably make Alex Smith look like a Pro-Bowler (Thursday night update: scratch that last statement. No one can make Alex Smith look good).
Pickups of the Week
In addition to the aforementioned quarterbacks, I’ll also recommend a couple of tight ends worth considering. This year, the TE position has been a revolving door for most teams, so let’s throw a couple more names into the fray!
Owen Daniels: Daniels finally appears to be healthy, and Matt Schaub is taking advantage of it. Look for him to be a solid start the rest of the way.
Bo Scaife: Kerry Collins seems to have found a favorite red zone target in Scaife. He might not rack up huge yardage numbers, but the Titans seem to have multiple plays designed to get Bo the ball in the end zone.
Pauly C’s Three Team Parlay
Last Week: 2-1 Season: 14-14-1
Damn you, 3 ½ point spread last week!
Buffalo (+5 ½ ) over Miami: The Dolphins’ defense has been firing on all cylinders, but I’ll take Ryan Fitzpatrick’s 48 Wonderlic score over Chad Henne’s 22 any day.
Philadelphia (+3) over New York Giants: Even with Hakeem Nicks back, injury concerns at receiver will come back to bite the Giants this week.
Atlanta (-6) over Seattle: This is the Matty Bowl: Matty Ice vs. Matty Icy Hot. I see the Falcons making the NFC West race even more pathetic with a big win over the Seahawks this week.
Good luck in week 15! If you’re reading this and it’s still relevant to you, you must be doing something right. Congratulations!
-Pauly C
I’d like to start off by congratulating all of you who have qualified for the fantasy playoffs. To those of you who are on the outside looking in: take solace in the fact that you can now actually enjoy watching football. You no longer have to neurotically check the stats after every play and have your hands free to enjoy a beer or two. You can now root for your favorite team without having to worry about the players on the other side helping you out fantasy-wise. That being said, I’m more than happy to ruin the sport for a few more weeks in pursuit of a championship in the missing link between the nerds and the jocks: fantasy football.
In terms of playoff advice, most of the “experts” that I read on a regular basis seem to be preaching a method of keeping it simple, not being “cute,” and sticking with the guys that got you to the dance. I couldn’t disagree more. Take a look at your roster; it almost certainly looks different than it did after your draft. Successful fantasy football owners make savvy moves and key waiver wire pickups. There’s no reason for this to change in the playoffs. In past seasons, owners who have stayed put missed out on players like Jamaal Charles, Shonn Greene and Jermichael Finley who made huge late season contributions last year. Stubbornness can also lead you to sticking with a worn-down player for too long (I’m looking at you, LT).
Another important factor to consider this late in the season is the weather. I know that I’ve mentioned it before, but it bears repeating. Don’t be dissuaded by freezing temperatures or a little snow or rain, but do check the weather report. High Winds (>25 MPH) or blizzard conditions can greatly affect your quarterbacks, receivers and kickers. If you have a competent reserve with a good matchup, don’t be afraid to make a move.
One last piece of playoffs advice: don’t associate reality success with fantasy success. The fantasy playoffs are long over before the NFL postseason begins. Just because the Cowboys have sucked a big one this year doesn’t mean that their players won’t excel down the stretch. This is especially true this year with all of the late season divisional games. Sometimes, having players on good teams can actually hurt you if they start to rest in preparation for the postseason. Either way, be sure to stay on top of pregame reports as the season winds down.
Pickups of the week:  Tashard Choice: Choice continues to play well whenever he’s given a chance. I predict that Jason Garrett will give him plenty of touches over the next few weeks to see how much he can handle.
 Vincent Jackson: Many owners dropped Jackson out of frustration after he made a quick exit in his season debut. While originally expected to be out for an extended period of time, it’s now looking like he might be good to go as early as this week. It might be best to keep him on the bench in week 14, but stash him away for later use.
 James Starks: Will he be this year’s late season surprise? Only time will tell, but now’s the time to pick him up. If he has another strong game this week, he could be someone to consider using in the next round.
Pauly C’s Three Team Parlay
Last Week 1-2 Season 12-13-1
New England (-3) over Chicago: I’m patiently waiting for the Bears to be exposed as frauds. It should be any week now…
Philadelphia (-3 1/2) over Dallas: The Eagles’ defense has been very suspect, but I predict that their blitzes will give John Kitna nightmares for the rest of the season.
New York Giants (-3) over Minnesota: I see the Giants feasting on whichever quarterback the Vikings go with this week.
Good luck in week 14! I hope that football continues to be a stressful and nerve-racking event for you in the nerdiest of ways for a few more weeks.
-Pauly C
Two teams seem to have captured the hearts of fair-weather NFL fans over the last few weeks. Seats on the Bears' and Chargers' bandwagons are filling up fast. While their recent runs have been impressive, I have a very pessimistic outlook for both of these teams. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that both are at risk of missing the playoffs altogether.  Let's start with my friends in the Windy City. It's no secret that I'm not a fan of the Bears. Jay Cutler would be my #1 choice for the cover of Madden, and I mean that in the most mean-spirited way. Knowing this, I've come up with a few points to support my case. The biggest obstacle in the Bears' path to the playoffs is their brutal schedule. They close out the season facing the Patriots, Vikings, Jets and Packers. After the Lions this week, they could very well lose 3 of their last 4 games. While Green Bay also has some tough match ups, they have the advantage of playing the Bears at home to end the regular season. Another factor that gives me pause when it comes to Chicago is their offense. While it has improved over the last few weeks, the offensive line is still terrible. On top of this, you have two of the most controversial offensive minds in the game: Cutler and offensive coordinator Mike Martz. I can't trust that they will shy away from throwing the ball around, even when the weather starts to worsen. It will be a close race for the second wild card spot in the NFC, and the Bears will have to do even more than they already have to keep playing in January.
 The San Diego Chargers are also a flawed team. This year, like every other, they have followed their traditional pattern: suck, rule, suck; Well, they haven't reached the second suck stage yet, but they will. I have to hand it to Phillip Rivers. He has truly played like an MVP candidate this season. The big problem is that they have injuries at every single offensive position. While teams like the Colts seem to be getting healthier, the Chargers keep adding to their injury report. Antonio Gates, Vincent Jackson, Malcolm Floyd, Ryan Mathews and Patrick Crayton have all missed significant time due to injury and can now add Mike Tolbert to their list. On top of all of this, they actually have some competition in their division this year. The Kansas City Chiefs have quietly become a very competent team. If they can defeat the Chargers next week, they will be in great shape to win the division. Unfortunately for the loser, the AFC wild card spots will likely go to teams in the east and the north.
How about those Chiefs? They seem to have assembled an AFC West edition of the Patriots out there. The thing that I like most about them is that they are built for a strong playoff run: Great running game, tough but talented coach, huge home-field advantage, and a quarterback who doesn't make mistakes. Don't be surprised if you see Kansas City in the AFC championship game this year. In terms of fantasy, what’s not to love about the Chiefs? I may not know what he looks like, but I think that I might be in love with Jamal Charles.
Fantasy Pickups of the Week
This week, I’d like to spotlight 3 receivers who have become stars while replacing injured players on their respective teams. In each case, it is important to monitor their place on the depth chart before every game.
 Blair White: This undrafted rookie has made a splash in Indianapolis as a great red-zone target for Peyton Manning. While he has made up for Dallas Clark’s absence in the slot, his numbers will likely decline when Austin Collie is able to return to the field.
 Davone Bess: Bess has been up and down this year, but had a great game with Brandon Marshall out last week. Look for Chad Henne to keep targeting him as long as Marshall is sidelined.
 Ben Obomanu: Ben hadn’t done much since being drafted in 2006, and it was looking like another quiet season for the 27 year-old receiver. Perhaps influenced by the resurrection of Mike Williams’ career, Obomanu has had a couple of very strong weeks in Seattle. Look for him to continue his success as long as Williams is unable to play.
Pauly C’s Three Team Parlay
Last Week: 1-2 Season: 11-11-1
San Fransisco (+9) over Green Bay: The 49ers lost to the Eagles, Falcons and Packers by 8 points…combined. I look for them to at least keep it close.
Oakland (+12 ½ ) over San Diego: I just think that 12 and a half points is a little too much for a divisional matchup.
Indianapolis (-5) over Dallas: Peyton Manning was embarrassed last week. As a result, he’ll be punishing the Cowboys this Sunday.
Have a great week 13! As I seem to be the only fool who still has a moustache, I’ll be busy shaving all weekend.
-Pauly C
 Ryan Mathews, also known as Mr. Doubtful I've never understood why rookie quarterbacks are typically given a few seasons to put it together, while running backs are expected to shine right out of the gate. I realize that quarterbacks have more to learn and touch the ball every snap, but the backs and receivers have quite a bit on their plates as well. Love or hate college football (personally, I hate it), it has become vastly different from the professional game. The speed, strength and size of NFL players cannot be matched. Further complicating things for running backs are the vastly different defensive looks. Even with the adoption of the wildcat, the typical NFL offensive package has far fewer spread formations. This means that safeties and linebackers are much more likely to crowd the box and create smaller and less obvious holes to run through.
Despite all of this, we as NFL fans are quick to label players as “busts.” People are jumping off of the Ryan Matthews and Beanie Wells bandwagons faster than a Taco Bell induced stomach ache. Fortunately, there are a number of backs who have blossomed and become stars once they figured things out. The most obvious name this year is Darren McFadden. It's safe to say that he has surprised just about everyone with his production this year. Another player that comes to mind is Cedric Benson, who has been a new man since coming to Cincinnati. One name that many people fail to remember as a bust is Thomas Jones. TJ was a first round draft pick of the Cardinials in 2000, but didn't do much of anything until going to the Bears in 2004. While there will always be busts, I think that we need to change our way of thinking when it comes to running backs. Your Ron Dayne might actually be a Thomas Jones in the rough. As far as how to differentiate the two, I have no idea.
Fantasy Pickups of the Week
Shaun Hill and Brandon Pettigrew: These two Lions seem to have some serious chemistry brewing. It doesn't look like Matthew Stafford will be coming back this year, so Hill is the man the rest of the way. Fortunately for Detroit, Shaun is definitely one of the more competent backups in the league; Rumor has it that the only reason he was jettisoned out of San Francisco was to eliminate a quarterback controversy involving Alex Smith. Pettigrew is the latest name in this season's search for a useful fantasy tight end. I've never seen such a brutal year at one position.
Kevin Boss: Here's another stab at tight end potential. This pick is more about deductive reasoning than anything else. Who else is Eli going to throw to?
Vincent Jackson: I don't know if he's still available in any leagues, but if so, scoop him up fast.
Pauly C's Three Team Parlay
Last Week: 3-0! Season: 10-9-2
Suck it, Vegas!
Philadelphia (-3) over Chicago: My expert analysis of this game: Eagles rule, Bears drool.
Green Bay ( +1 ½) over Atlanta: Not sure why, but I just don't believe in the Falcons yet.
Kansas City (-2 ½) over Seattle: The Seahawks could very well be the most pathetic week 12 division leader in NFL history.
Enjoy what's left of your week 12, and may the only busts you encounter be the chests of attractive women.
-Pauly C
The Ditka Awards
In honor of tonight's Mustache Ball, I'd like to take a moment to recognize some of the wonderful facial hair happening in the National Football League. While many coaches and front office staff are stealing the show (Andy Reid, Mike Holmgren, etc), there are a number of players equipped for mustache rides as well. Coming up with a list of mustached players is more difficult than you might think. While we can all recognize the all pro quarterbacks and receivers, most players are able to hide under their helmets and remain anonymous. I've actually turned this into a regular drunken conversation with some of my friends. The typical format is as follows: “Hey, do you know what (Insert player's name here) looks like?” “I have no fucking clue! Hey, grab me another beer while you're up.”Try it! It's all based on the honor system (unless you have a professional sketch artist in the family), but you'll be surprised by some of the big names that you wouldn't be able to pick out of a lineup. That being said, I'd like to give credit to my top 3 mustaches in recent NFL history:  Logan Mankins:
I might not be a Patriots fan, but who can resist this guy's Hulk Hogan/Rod Beck style 'stache?
 Marvin Harrison:
Marvin's Ned Flanders look and quiet demeanor always led me to believe that he was a goody-two-shoes. Who knew he was hiding bullets above his lip?
 Donovan McNabb
While his skills have certainly diminished, his Chunky Soup sponge is as healthy as ever.
Fantasy Pickups of the Week
Now that the bye weeks are mercifully over, waiver wire activity will probably die down in your league. Now is a great time to make a few final moves and pick up some of the guys who will make a name for themselves in the final couple of months. If you remember back to last year, players such as Jamal Charles and Shonn Greene were readily available in November when their value began to skyrocket. Let's see who might be candidates this year.Keiland Williams: Michael Vick's fantasy wet dream of a performance overshadowed a great game by this undrafted back. While injuries led to his increased workload, Mike Shanahan is not the type of coach who will determine playing time based on salary or tenure. Definitely pick him up if available.Javarris James: If you're desperate for a running back, you could do a lot worse than James. Edgerin's little cousin has also been the beneficiary of injuries to his teammates, but he seems to be establishing himself as a solid goal-line back. He's a great option in TD heavy leagues.Jermaine Gresham: Cincinnati's top draft pick finally had a breakout game last week. Don't be surprised when you hear Gus Johnson emphatically yelling his name against Buffalo on Sunday. I predict that he'll be one of Carson Palmer's favorite targets going forward. Pauly C's Three Team Parlay
Last Week 1-2 Season 7-9-2
Just when I thought I was approaching .500...
Green Bay (-3) over Minnesota: This is probably the Packers' last shot at Brett Favre. They'll make it a good one.
Buffalo (+5 ½) over Cincinnati: If the Bills lose a Gus Johnson game by more than a field goal, America will hate them forever. I don't know about you, but I'm going to be majorly disappointed when the streak ends.
Philadelphia (-3) over New York Giants: Gotta go with the hot hand here. Even the Giants themselves sound worried about facing Vick.
Have a great week 11, and wear those mustaches proudly!
-Pauly C
I can’t even begin to express how happy I am to see Wade Phillips on the unemployment line. I think that it’s safe to say that every single person in the Northeast is a Doug Flutie fan. How could we possibly respect a coach that would dare send him to the bench? Just when I thought that I had seen it all, I somehow grew to hate him even more when his lowly Cowboys caused me to lose a fantasy matchup last week by allowing Clay Mathews to score on a pick-6. How in the hell do you let that happen? So long, Mr. Phillips; the only Wade that I care to associate with is a part of Garfield and Friends.
While I usually provide advice on players that you should add to your fantasy team, this week, I’m also going to mention a few that you should probably try to jettison before the trade deadline.
 Kyle Orton has been an absolute stud this season. Despite this, I feel that he might have seen his best days. He has started to show signs of mortality the last couple of weeks, but give it a shot and hope that your trading partner is looking at the season totals.
Another nice surprise this season has been LaDanian Tomlinson. Even though he has outperformed Shonn Green, I’m expecting the Jets to take it easy on him down the stretch. In addition to this, his age also has to be taken into consideration. I have the exact same opinion regarding Thomas Jones as well. Another name that I feel uneasy about is LeSean McCoy. I simply can’t put much faith in a guy with shaky ribs at that position.
In terms of wide receivers, Miles Austin has not been himself with John Kitna under center. I would feel comfortable letting him go in exchange for a competent starter. In yet another case of elder success, Terrell Owens is one of the highest scoring wideouts so far this year. If you can get that kind of value for him, do it!
As far as players that I recommend this week, let’s start of with a kicker. Shayne Graham has taken over the kicking duties for the Patriots and their potent offense. Look for him to get multiple scoring opportunities each week. I also advise picking up Tim Hightower. As we’ve already seen this season, the Cardinals like to play coy regarding Beanie Wells’ health. I have a feeling that there’s something serious going on there. If he’s still sitting out there in your league, now is the time to pick up Sidney Rice. He’s set to be activated from the PUP list, and will immediately serve as the top receiver in Minnesota.
One guy garnering a lot of buzz that I’m not so high on is Mike Goodson. While it’s looking like he’s going to be a fill-in starter for the Panthers, their offensive line continues to be decimated by injuries and mediocrity. If DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart can’t find holes, I don’t think that this guy will either.
 Don't be fooled by my ineptitude! Pauly C’s Three Team Parlay
(Last Week/Season) 1-1-1/6-7-2
Houston (+1.5) over Jacksonville: I’m sick of hearing that David Garrard is going to have the game of his life this week. Sure, Houston’s secondary sucks, but Jacksonville’s is just as bad.
Minnesota (-1) over Chicago: Minnesota is making a run while the Bears slowly self-destruct. This one could get ugly.
Philadelphia (-3) over Washington: I’m hoping that the Eagles can build on the momentum of last week’s big win over the Colts. As for the Redskins, see “Chicago Bears.”
Good Luck in week 10! Relax in knowing that your Thanksgiving dinner table will no longer have to compete with Wade Phillips for biggest turkey next Thursday.
I suppose we should begin by addressing Randy Moss' move to the Tennesee Titans. While this definitely is significant and will surely give Chris Johnson room to run, I simply don't care about this story. While Moss overkill is certainly a factor, I really just find the Titans to be dull, uninteresting team. I liken them to the Spurs in the NBA, or every team in Major League Baseball. His fantasy impact remains to be seen, but the move definitely makes the AFC South more competitive. The Titans now have to be considered a solid playoff contender.
Speaking of playoffs, your fantasy leagues's playoff picture should be starting to take shape. With most trade deadlines quickly approaching, it's not too soon to start looking at favorable match ups for weeks 14-16. Yo'll want to take a couple of things into consideration when eyeing your team's playoff outlook. In addition to seeking out the weakest opponents, you also have to consider the weather in certain situations. While it's great to play the Bills , if it's a week 16 game in Buffalo, don't assume great numbers from the passing attack (That's you, Brady).
The Oakland Raiders have the good fortune of playing the Jags and Broncos during the fantasy playoffs. While they do have to face the Colts in week 16, Indy could be resting their starters by then.
The Bronocs also face some suspect defenses. Kyle Orton has beena statistical success this season, and it looks like he'll be able to keep it up during the fantasy playoffs. Tampa Bay is another team that might be worth looking into. While you shouldn't blow up your team to fill it with Buccaneers, it's nice to know that players will have a decent chance to rack up some points come playoff time. Some of the team with more difficult match ups during the fantasy post season include the Chiefs, Jets, and Bengals. There are a number of fantasy superstars on these teams, but based on matchups, they could fall back down to Earth at the worst possible time. Don't say I didn't warn you.  Fantasy Pickups of the Week
Believe it or not, Clinton Portis has been practicing and could be back in the lineup as soon as next Monday night. With Ryan Torain beginning to wear down. he'll be given a large role in the offense as soon as he's ready. If you're looking for a quarterback, you could do a lot worse than Josh Freeman. He's available in many leagues despite being one of the most productive QBs this year. One guy that I would wait on is Seattle's Charlie Whitehurst. He's set to make his first start this week in relief of Matty Icy Hot, who I cursed in last week's column. I'm not too high on this guy, and certainly don't have much hope for him against the Giants.
Pauly C's 3 Team Parlay
(Last Week/Season) 2-1/5-6-1
Buffalo (+3) over Chicago: You wouldn't know it by their record, but the Bills are a passionate and competitive team. It's going to pay off one of these weeks, and I'm optimistic that this will be the one.
Houston (+3) over San Diego: While it's a must-win for both teams, the Texans are healthier and have superior coaching. This might be the first time that Gary Kubiak has ever been considered “superior,” but we're talking about Norv Turner here.
Tampa Bay (+8) over Atlanta: They might not be as good as their coach claims, but I expect the Bucs to at least keep it close in this divisional matchup.
Have a great week 9 everyone. I hope that your mustaches are coming in as nicely as mine is! Remember: The Chiefs, Bengals and Jets are going to blow later in the season, so be sure to trade them all to me for a fraction of their value.
Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t remember an NFL season with this many significant injuries. Somehow, the stars of the league seem to have inherited the durability of David Boston. The part of this that’s most difficult to digest is that some of the most injury prone players (Matt Hasslebeck, Ronnie Brown, Ryan Torain) have stayed healthy, throwing conventional wisdom right out the window. That being said, I feel that it’s necessary to dedicate this week’s effort to identifying some of the options out there for those of you who have a fantasy infirmary going on.
 Quarterback
Ryan Fitzpatrick has been one of the few bright spots in the shit stain that is the Bills’ season. His numbers have been so impressive over the last few weeks that the Bills are seriously considering picking someone other than a quarterback with their #1 draft pick next year. It’s hard to predict how Jon Kitna will perform. He certainly has a group of talented receivers, but he’s no sure thing. It will be interesting to see what he can do after a week of practice with the starters (and with a matchup against the Jacksonville secondary). Matthew Stafford is also set to return this week. Impatient owners may have cut him loose early on, so scoop him up if available. Stafford’s value is even greater in keeper leagues.
 Running Back
LaGarrette Blount seems to be quickly rising up the Buccaneers depth chart. With Cadillac Williams as his main competition, look for LaGarette’s carries to increase greatly over the next few weeks. The tandem of Donald Brown and Mike Hart look like they’re in line for a heavy workload while Joseph Addai is sidelined with a shoulder injury. It’s hard to tell which one will fare better, but Brown seems to have injury concerns of his own.
Wide Receiver
Pierre Garcon seems to have conquered his injuries and is now ready to assume a large role in the Indianapolis offense. I still like Patrick Crayton from last week’s column for a short term fix as well.
Tight End
This position has been utterly destroyed by injuries this year. Unfortunately, it’s also the position with the least amount of depth. The waiver wire pickups that I find most appealing at TE are Tony Moeaki of the Chiefs and Michael Hoomanawanui of the Rams (Take that, spell check). I especially like the latter of the two; I believe that he led the team in targets last week.
Pauly C’s 3 Team Parlay
Last Week/Season 1-1-1/2-5-2
Tampa Bay (+3) over Arizona: I honestly don’t feel strongly about any of the games this week (Screw you, Vegas). Coach Morris says that the Bucs are the best team in the NFC. Here’s hoping they prove it against a flawed Cardinals team.
New Orleans (+1) over Pittsburgh: I’d feel a lot better about this if Reggie Bush was back, but I feel that the Saints are due for an offensive explosion nonetheless.
Houston (+5) over Indianapolis: Matt Shaub plays extremely well on the road and the Colts have all sorts of injuries. That’s enough for me.
Good Luck Everyone! Hopefully, the only injuries in week 8 will be to your opposition.
I feel that it's necessary to start this week's blog by weighing in on some of the ridiculous rule changes going on in the NFL this season. While the rules are put in place to protect the players, the entertainment value must never be sacrificed. Players are now forced to completely change how they play and will no longer be able to act on their instincts without the risk of major penalty. The regulation that I'm speaking about, of course, is the excessive celebration rule. Why is the NFL taking away some of its best stuff? Is NFL official Merton Hanks worried that people have forgotten about his chicken dance (or penchant for wearing turtlenecks on game day)? For those of you who aren't familiar with it, the stipulations are quite silly. In theory, a back-flip would be acceptable, but a cartwheel would draw a 15 yard penalty due to the fact that hands touched the ground. There are also rules prohibiting teammates from having group celebrations. Here's my proposal. As soon as a touchdown is scored, a 20 second celebration clock should begin ticking down. Players would have that time to go hog wild. Do a dance, make a call, eat a pickle. Who cares? This season's enforcement of the excessive celebration rule takes much more away from the league than anything based on dirty hits.
On the subject of the enhanced enforcement of “devastating” blows, I think that it completely makes sense. I trust that with the opportunity to review tape during the week, they will only fine and suspend clear cases of malicious tackling. I watched the video shown to the teams that displayed acceptable and non-acceptable hits. To be honest, I was expecting something much more interesting and flashy. With NFL films at their disposal, they could have come up with something much more compelling than this drivel. In the presentation, they clearly illustrate that the legal hits were just as devastating, if not worse, than those which were deemed illegal. By the way, how embarrassing is the Seattle punter, who is completely laid out in the video. As he's on the ground writhing in pain, the narrator waxes on about how he was blown up and what a great play it was. Always hating on the punters, gotta love it.
The thing that I don’t get is that all of these players bitching and moaning about this. I understand that they don't want to be fined or suspended, but come on. Is it that hard to use your shoulder rather than Bam-Bam Bigelo-ing everyone? My favorite quote of the week was from Channing Crowder, who claims to get concussed on a weekly basis. If that's the case, someone should sign his ass up for a reality show in about 15 years. He'll make Mohamed Ali look like the Micro Machines guy. People are also afraid of change. One thing to keep in mind is that the NFL has always worked to increase safety measures as necessary. There was no such thing as a facemask penalty until the mid 1960s. Chop blocks and hits to the head weren't outlawed until the 70s and 80s. The newest measures are simply an extension of this. I can't see more than 3 or 4 suspensions coming down from the league, but time will ultimately tell. In terms of fantasy, it's nice to see that Dwayne Bowe is reading my stuff. How else can you explain his game last week? Just about everyone that I criticized seemed to excel (much to the detriment of my own teams). Guys like Bowe and Greg “broken leg” Jennings sat on my bench while Malcom Floyd scored a whopping 1 fantasy point for me. Bowe and the rest of the Chiefs are certainly worth considering going forward as they have a relatively fantasy friendly schedule over the next few games. For this week, I'd like to focus on a few pickups that might not be long term solutions, but can definitely help you through the bye weeks that we're all struggling with.
Chris Ivory had a break out game last week. As long as Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush are sidelined, he has #1 RB status. The one caveat with him is that he seems to have a problem holding on to the ball.
 Don't be sad, you're starting now!
Patrick Crayton could play a similar role in San Diego where Malcolm Floyd and Antonio Gates are nursing injuries. Phillip Rivers loves to sling the ball around and Crayton looks to be the major beneficiary of this.
 Danario Alexander has quietly moved from the Rams practice squad into the starting lineup. This guy was an absolute beast in college, but went undrafted due to multiple knee injuries. As of right now he's healthy, so pick him up and give him a shot. A talented 6-5 receiver on a team with no other wide-outs is pretty much a slam dunk.
Pauly C's Three Team Parlay
(Last Week/Season) 0-2-1/1-4-1
I clearly have no business picking against the spread. You think that's going to stop me? Hell no!
New England (+2.5) over San Diego: The Patriots screwed me last week and are in danger of having a trap game here. Fortunately, Norv Turner has no idea of how to accomplish this.
Washington (+3) over Chicago: Most quarterbacks give their offensive linemen fancy dinners and extravagant gifts at the end of the season. At this rate, the Bears will be lucky to get some White Castle and a Shake Weight.
Minnesota (+2.5) over Green Bay: I know that I had written off the Vikings last week. They were about to go 1-4 and had a gimpy Brett Favre as their leader. Fast forward one week: Brett's feeling good, the Packers are reeling, and a win here would bring Minnesota right back into the divisional race.
Have a great week 7 everyone. Keep your hands off of the ground and your helmet to yourself.
-Pauly C
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