Terrible news for Polish prostitutes today, as the country's tax office levied a $2.3 million zylots fine against one of it's finest working gals for not declaring the income on this years taxes. The $2.3 million zylots is a steep penalty, although the woman was not fined any gargamels nor any shimmyshams for the offense. The tax office did impose a secondary 1,000 dollar gobblysnook penalty, but will not require her to pay any of her bangadee-bangbangs or ratatatatakablooeys.

-Reece

By Bobby James


It's January and everyone in the country all the sudden cares about Massachusetts, our tiny state that mashes together Cambridge douche democrats, Dunkin Donuts democrats, Starbucks democrats, HoneyDew Donuts democrats and democrats with enough road rage to harness the energy of a wind turbine. Normally, a democrat running for office in this state is a sure thing. Alan Thicke's chances of winning an Alan Thicke lookalike contest are the same as a democrat winning any race in Massachusetts.
   But things done changed.
   And who is this phantom? This Dirty Harryesque character who will finally end the charade of Massachusetts political culture. Is he our savior?
  Not really. He's another rich white guy. He even kind of looks like Mitt Romney.
   

Breast Cancer Cured By Facebook Status Updates

(AP) Facebook users and breast cancer sufferers alike were delighted to learn that an internet meme inexplicably ridded the world of the disease. On January 7, Facebook inboxes were loaded with a message, started by an unknown user, asking that Facebookers update their status with their own bra color to promote breast cancer awareness. A mere day later, breast cancer seems to have disappeared.

      "I figured it was just another empty gesture," said Jenny Hollandaise, a frequent Facebook user. "But it only took a second, so I said 'what the hell' and wrote 'Aqua' as my status update. Who knew I would be more successful at getting rid of cancer than 50 years of scientific research?"

       Scientists are scratching their heads at the mysterious disappearance of the disease, which is diagnosed to about 180,000 woman in the US and is the second leading cause of death among American women. 

       "Jesus, we've poured over $500 million dollars into research," said Joseph Goballs, an expert at the American Cancer Society. "Imagine my embarrass-ment when I found out that all it took was a minute away from playing Farmville."

       The ACS announced today that it will withdraw any further funding from disease research and instead steer their efforts towards more extensive studies of social networking. So far, two programs have been announced, one aiming to lower the effects of depression by encouraging users to click the 'like' button on any posting that appears onscreen. The scientists explained that by 'liking' things more often, users will be encouraged to think more positively about their lives, even though they may be 'liking' such minor things as 'taking a shower' or 'out of work in 15. woot!'

      The second program is similar to the bra episode, in that it encourages the observation of one's underwear condition. Male users will be urged to state the color of their underwear to hopefully stem the rise of testicular cancer among men.

Goballs admits that the program is experimental and will be tricky to maneuver.
"Obviously there's going to be the jokers that are going to post 'brown,'" Goballs said. "But let me clarify that this is serious science going on and anyone looking to make a joke of this should really think twice before you click 'post' after typing 'cornish green'."

-Chaz Pimento contributed to this report.

This week saw a shocking development for the Democratic party, as Connecticut Senator and 2008 presidential failure Christopher Dodd announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reportedly, he will be too busy trying to keep his eyebrows black while his hair becomes opaque. Dodd has served in Congress for over 20 years and is known as a passionate defender of important social programs championed by his fellow senator and friend Ted Kennedy. That is, until Dodd blew all of his credibility by supporting last year's bailouts and providing little more than a slap on the tushy to the naughty financial industry for ensuring that our generation will someday be Chinese labor slaves.
     But more important than Dodd's announcement is the race for his now empty Senate seat, which, after 20 years, smells of Fibercon and back issues of Consumer Reports. Whoever takes the reigns from Dodd will face stiff competition from none other than Linda McMahon, also known as Vince McMahon's wife. For anyone under the age of 50, I don't need to explain who Vince McMahon is. For those that don't know, here's a quick tutorial:

Linda stepped down as CEO of the WWE in order to fulfill her Senate aspirations, which, in reality, isn't that different of a job except for less steroid use and more colonoscopies. What are McMahon's political views? That the Undertaker is a threat to national security? Triple H caused the dollar to drop in value? Tariffs must be increased for Mr.Fuji's blinding-powder imports? The truth is, the fuck if I know, look it up yourself. But before you go and do a thing like that, just take a look at this:

First it was the Beatles, then the Stones, now a new craze has overcome Great Britain: Choking yourself! The strangling fad, dubbed Space Monkey or the Funky Chicken, has become a hit on youtube, taking over the top spot previously held by dumbasses rolling around on the floor after taking a hit of salvia. Adults from Canada, France and England are in hysterics over the latest tomfoolery, urging their children to breath and ignore those pesky "virus videos." And what better way to detract attention from a dangerous form of entertainment than publishing a news story about it in one of the country's largest newspapers? I'm sure this one article created 200 new Funky Chickenheads (as its followers are called...by me). The best part is this quote:

"Experts say it is most prevalent among high-achieving adolescents who do not want to get in trouble by taking drugs or drink."

Well at least the smart kids aren't doing drugs and getting into trouble with the constable, that would be the sticky wicket. Doesn't the fact that these kids are choking themselves kind of negate them as 'smart kids?' Just a theory. See, this is what happens when you take away our drugs. Next week, our children will be getting high off their own feces.

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