You would think by now, TV personalities and politicians would learn that anything they say is being recorded. More than that, there's a public with a lot of time on their hands (now because of unemployment!) and a 24-hour news cycle that just needs to fill the airwaves with shit that people will watch. Regardless of these facts, the extreme personalities on television still peddle their bullshit while they are inevitably outed as being hypocrites at whatever they were railing against in the first place.


Consider Lou Dobbs, former CNN personality and verified hater of illegals everywhere. Dobbs devoted his entire program, Lou Dobbs Tonight to tackling the issue of illegal immigration. You would think after a few shows he would have run out of things to say, but Dobbs could never exhaust the issue. He talked about illegal immigration the way a Pixies fan talks about Doolittle. So it comes as no surprise when recently it was discovered that Dobbs has been employing illegal immigrants to work on the equestrian farm at his home in Sussex, New Jersey. By now, you've probably realized the irony that the guy who criticized dirt poor illegal immigrants has an equestrian farm at his house. You may have even had to look up what an equestrian farm is. 


The thing I continually don't get about these situations is, what the hell was Dobbs thinking? Isn't it obvious that if you spend your entire career pushing extreme points of view you're going to be a target? (If you don't think so,just ask Martin Luther King Jr.) Am I'm not trying to make Dobbs out to be King. I wouldn't even compare Lou Dobbs to Larry King. But the point is, if you're making radical comments, people tend to watch what you do, regardless of what side of the political aisle you're on. It's like Betty Ford passed out in a public bathroom from a heroin overdose. If your going to be a hypocrite, make damn sure you're not on television.


In other hypocrite news, candidate for Governor Meg Whitman is some big trouble. And no I'm not talking about the fact that she looks like Dauber from Coach:

Rather, Whitman's troubles stem from the allegations that she, too, hired an illegal immigrant, who worked as her maid for the past few years. Maybe Whitman and Lou Dobbs should hooks up and make a grotesque baby together, all the while being midwifed by a Honduran woman looking to feed her family of 15. 


Of course Whitman has denied the allegations, telling the press and the courts that she had no prior knowledge of the woman's legal status. Once again, it brings up the issue of whether the employer or the employee should take the blame for the employment of illegal immigrants. And where does that usually lead us? This is America, damn it, of course we take the side of the employer. Time after time, we hear how terrible it is for people to come here and have the audacity to work, but never hear a thing about the companies that employ these people. And again, right on cue, the media has struck again. Virtually before the issue was raised, media outlets were painting Nikki Diaz, the housekeeper, as a parasite and a liar. Witness the pussy interview that Neil Cavuto had with Whitman, where he barely even challenged the woman on knowing that her housekeeper was illegal, even know there are records of the application having a blank next the social security. Hmm, no social? Seems okay by me. And then came this interview on Fox News with Greta Van Sustren with Diaz' attorney, Gloria Allred. If you look on the conservative sites, they claim that this was a slam dunk for Van Sustren, as she paints Allred out to be a sniveling lawyer out to make herself famous. She questions Allred on why Diaz took so long to report Whitman's alleged mistreatment. Here's the interview below, you be the judge:

Ok, it's pretty clear that this lady probably does want to make a name for herself; she's a lawyer after all. But this argument is used to detract attention away from the fact that Whitman still hired an illegal immigrant without performing any background check. Fox is clearly using a technique where they discredit someone involved with the situation while trying to make the whole case void (I'm sure there's some kind of fancy technical words for that). It's the same thing that happened with ACORN, where one guy's antics (which later ended up being fabricated by the way) took down the whole organization. Getting on the 'lawyers are all scum' train is just a way to sidestep the whole 'Meg Whitman is scum' train. Don't be fooled.


In other hypocrite news, Senate hopeful Rand Paul, the militant libertarian who (at least outwardly) opposes government entitlement programs has some 'splaining to do. Turns out that Paul, who is a doctor, has more than 50% of his patients coming from the Medicare bus. Seems once again that government entitlements are horrible unless they're given to you. In a similar story, Nevada Senate candidate for biggest crazy (which says a lot in this election cycle) Sharon Angle was found out to be on her husband's Federal Health Employee plan, a government handout if there ever was one. And you know the usual refrain of denial, "Well everyone else gets it, so why shouldn't I take." Riggghhhhttt. So it's the system's fault, not yours. The system doesn't take advantage of itself Sharon. Let's lead by example, shall we?


-B.James

NPR analyst and political correspondant Juan Williams was fired on Wednesday after his controversial statements on Muslims in America were aired on The Bill O'Reilly show. Although sources believe his firing was directly linked to his purple tie, it was in fact due his controversial statements he made while debating O'Reilly about the so-called "Muslim dilemma." Williams, straight killing it with a peppered mustache and Prince and the Revolution-esque tie, first commented on how the day and age of political correctness has made people paralyzed to the truth and unable to address reality. He further inserted his funky shoe into his mouth when he unleashed a diatribe where he first assured the public he was not a bigot (always a great start, to say "Look, I'm not a racist, but...") yet when sees people in Muslim garb enter a plane, he gets nervous and afraid.

Here is the clip in its entirety.

Just another white guy making a fool out of himself. Man, when we will learn? Wait. What's that you say? Juan Williams is black?! What! Holy shit you are right! Wait a second, you mean to tell me a black guy is upset with how other black people dress on airplanes? Hey Juan - guess what. You're black! That's like me saying that when I get on a plane, I get nervous at looking at all the lily white Jevonah's Witnesses in my section. I guess we really do have a Muslim issue in America. I mean, if Muslims can actually freak out other black people, and not just your standard pig-headed conservative retarded white guy, then we all might be in real trouble.

Let's get to the real issue at hand - how can Juan Williams be filling the airwaves with such vile and filth against the American Muslim ppoulation - and still have time to record songs with Morris Day & The Time?

Only a man this comfortable in purple shirts and ties can be a resident of Funkytown. The man crushes violent and lavender like it's going out of style. So Juan, stop hating on everyone and bring back the peace and love, child. There's no room for racism in the Purple Rain.

-Reece

Jimmy McMillian, the Rent is Too Damn High independant candidate in the hotly contested race of New York governor is becoming the talk of the town for his bold platform to curb New York City's rental prices. His explosive performance at the governor's debate on Monday night has overshadowed such prominent, "real" candidates such as Attorney General Andrew Cuomo and Carl Paladino, and turned the focus on one aspect of New York City's real estate market, which dwarfs in prices every other city in the country. But Mcmillian does not just stop at his agenda of lowering city rents and imposing sanctions on abusive landlords; he is also perfected the art of time travel. Yes, Jimmy McMillan has deciphered a way to hop the space time continuum and actually beam himself back in time to our day and age. McMillan, you see, it not from the world of 2010. No, McMillan is actually the President of the United Federation of Planets as seen in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.

See for yourself!

As you can clearly see, Jimmy McMillan IS the Federation President that was nearly assassinated by a human-Klingon team of traitors from the fifth movie in the Star Trek franchise. Same hair, same mustache, same dapper dress - it's the same guy! Though we have no idea why he has shot himself hundreds of years into the past, it is clear that his thirst for power, whether as head of a galatical federation or as head of New York City, he is willing and able to lead us into the future!

Ahh, so now it all makes sense, Jimmy McMillan. Your platform of rent control is just a cover for your plan to assimilate New Yorkers into the budding foundation of interstellar allegiances. Well, we at Mindwafers are all for it. We have been looking for new readers and new audiences and we would love the chance to be the first blog to go super nova into the Milky Way galaxy. Hey, even Romulans must have a list of Why People Suck too. So come Tuesday, November 2nd, a vote for your future is a vote for interstellar pride.

Vote Jimmy McMillan! Vote Mustache!

-Reece

San Jose Mine (AP) - As the world watches captivated as monumental rescue efforts are underway for the 33 Chilean miners who have been trapped for more than two months after an explosion at the San Jose Mine, one Chilean miner has reportedly refused to accept rescue efforts from the hundreds of relief workers that have been working tirelessly to free the trapped miners. While by Wednesday afternoon, 24 of the 33 miners had been pulled to safety and reunited with joyous realtives and loved ones, rescue workers are reporting that 42 year old Luiz Cadamundo has refused to enter the rescue shaft which has been purposely erected and driven through 2,000 feet of stone, and has said that he "totally fine with not being rescued right now." Relief workers have also said that Luiz asked if they could "come back, maybe in a few days, or maybe even at the end of the month, if that's cool." While authorities are incredulous to why the trapped miner would want to stay buried underneath tons of unstable rock and earth, a miner who was recently rescued did come forth and offer one possible explanation as to why Cadamundo may not want to rejoin the world just yet: "Oh Luiz? Yeah, his wife is a total bitch."

"Honestly, these last 69 days have been nice," Luiz said through video chat correspondence, which had been set up for th families of the miners to maintain contactw ith their trapped loved ones. "I've been with the guys, and we've kind of had our own little Man Town here in this cave-in entrapment. I mean, sure, we don't have any NFL games or any chicken wings, but it's been fun. We're bonding. Women wouldn't understand it. I'm really not ready to leave."

At the site of the rescue, among sobbing, relived family members - even amongst reports that one of the miners may have both his mistress and his wife at the site to greet him - Luiz Cadamundo's wife Flopia cannot wait for her husband to be pulled up. "It's about time this little boys town mining party has ended for Luiz and his buddies," Flopia said last week as rescue efforts were being planned. "I find it very convenient that this whole cave-in happens just as we are getting ready to re-stain our deck. Not to mention the gutters have not been cleared in months, and we have been trying to re-wallpaper the bathrooms since the summer. I don't care that he's been in a life-threatening mine collapse and sealed off from the world for 2 months. I have been pulling double duty with 5 kids since this whole ridiculous mining collapse thing. I am really looking forward to having Luiz around again. Even though he's such an idiot, he probably caused the whole cave in himself. By being an idiot."

In talks with the mining company and Luiz's co-workers, they are not surprised that Luiz is avoiding rescue for fear of his wife's wraith. "Dude she is the biggest See You Next Tuesday we ever seen," Codelco Mining company spokesperson Consuala Deprices said in a statement. "At our company Christmas party, she berated him in front of the entire work force for drinking too much, and made him leave before we even opened the company gifts. Luiz is a model employee. He never calls in sick, probably because he doesn't want to be home with his wife all day."

When Flopia was confronted with the news that Luiz had refused rescue, she quickly commandeered one of the video chat stations that have been in operation to communicate with the still trapped miners:

"Now you listen and you listen good, Luiz Cadamundo. There are five kids here, Maria has an ear infection, and Melissa and Eddie haven't stopped fighting in days. You better get your butt up here from that mine hole or whatever and you better do it fast, or I will make sure my Mother is on the next flight out from Santiago."

Rescue officials have stated while they can't literally force Luiz to enter the capsule device they have been lowering to rescue workers out one by one, they can withhold food and medicine drops to Luiz if he continues his hold-out. In his final video chat, when Luiz was threatened with this action, he simply replied, "Fiiiiiine. Jesus Christ. I'll be right there."



-Reece contributed to this report

As the Senate race heats up in Connecticut, Republican hopeful Linda McMahon, husband of the WWE founder Vince McMahon, is pulling out all the stops. These stops include lying her head off and spending over $50 million dollars of her own fortune on the campaign. One quick question; why is someone considered an 'outsider' if they have a spare $50 million to invest? Isn't being super wealthy the very definition of being an insider? Anyway, McMahon's latest gaff included various statements she's made, railing against the lobbyist culture in Washington and how she wants to rid the country of K Street and all the evil associated with it. The only problem is that her own company, WWE (which she now heads) spent a fair amount of money lobbying congress over the past decade, including $80,000 in campaign contribution around the time of the big hoopla over the sports steroid scandals. It looks as though $80,000 is what it takes for Congress to look the other way even though half of your past staff died from steroid overdoses (including our beloved Texas Tornado). 


Just in case, you missed the point there, speaking out against lobbying while having your own company lobby in Washington is kind of like speaking out against  drugs and being a heroin addict. Yet, so far, there's been little backlash over the 'mistake' as she calls it. Maybe because half the country has no idea what a lobbyist is or what they do. In a nutshell, they're paid to convince (or bribe) politicians. For more info, learn yourself a little bit here.


Meanwhile, McMahon has tried to provide a smokescreen by accusing her opponent, Richard Blumenthal, of exaggerating his military record, claiming that he served in Vietnam while he stayed in the States, chilling with the National Guard. Lying about your military service? For shame! Hmmm, where have I heard that before? Something about a guy named Shrub, or Hedge, or...nevermind, I can't remember.


Either way, the Tea Party may have their day on November 2nd and they've proven a valuable point. No, not anything about the power of protest and the voice of the people, but rather that whatever candidate spends the most money on their campaigns will win the race. Cheers to democracy in America! DeToqueville would be so proud!


And here's a classy one for the road:

Why are you on the internet? We're being attacked! Well, not us exactly, unless you're in China or Hungary (where's our Hungary Chinese fans?). Two incidents happened yesterday, both frightening, one possibly made up, but both entertaining in a perverse way.
     First, in Hungary, a giant metaphor spills through the streets of Kolontar, as the world has actually turned to shit. After a reservoir exploded at a Hungarian aluminum factory, a burst of toxic red sludge flooded the streets and eventually made it into the Danube River, which flows through Croatia, Romania and Serbia.  While not on the level of the BP oil spill in the US (because everything is bigger in America), the toxic sludge reminds of how industrial progress has made all of our lives better. On a positive note, so far the PH level is is relatively low, meaning that hopefully minimal damage will result from the spill. But stay tuned for a complete reversal of that announcement in a few days when schools of Hungarian fish come floating to the surface.


Meanwhile, ET has apparently paid a visit to red China. Who knew that aliens were interested in modern communism? An airport in the Inner Mongolia region of China was shut down after a mysterious white light appeared in the sky, which was assumed to be an alien encounter. This is the 8th reported UFO sighting in 2010, more evidence that China is now more important than the US. Remember when we used to get all the UFO's? Well it seems as though even the aliens have realized that our time is up and moved onto bigger and better things.


Sure, these two things weren't really related, but neither are you and your dad. Oh! Roboburn!


-Generated by NewsBot3000

Just once I would love to see a batshit crazy politician get into Washington. I'm not talking about a Tom DeLay, corrupt, hypocritical crazy type, but a real, 'everyone has to wear socks on their hands on Thursdays' type, lacking any sense but still shaking up the establishment. That's why we need someone like Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, the leader of Kalmykia, an oil-rich, mostly Buddhist region of Russia near the Caspian Sea.


Eccentric doesn't even begin to describe this guy. In addition to running Kalmykia, he's also defending his title as President of the World Chess Federation, a huge honor in Russia. His love of chess goes so far that he's made chess a mandatory subject for all schoolchildren (an actual good idea). But he's made it mandatory not just so children can attain strategic and critical thinking skills, but also because he believes that learning chess is the only way to protect our planet from aliens. Yup, that wasn't a type, he believes that aliens gave us the game of chess and only through getting to know the game can we keep them at bay (which, oddly enough, would make a great Michael Bay movie; Independence Day meets Searching for Bobby Fisher). Kirsan cites the like of 64 squares on a chess board and 64 codons of DNA to prove his theory of chess being a cosmic link to us all. He sounds kind of like the RZA...


In addition to being awesome for that, Kirsan counts Chuck Norris and the late Sadaam Hussein as friends. Sure, being friends with Sadaam isn't that cool but how much would you give to attend those house parties? 


And Kirsan has thrown his hat into the international ring as well. In response to the flameup over putting a mosque near ground zero, he offered to build a 24 story chess center on the same spot with his private wealth. So far he hasn't gotten any calls back. I wonder what Glenn Beck would have to say about that?


-Generated By NewsBot3000

In news you will never read about in any US newspaper, the World Trade Organization (WTO), that little crew who used to be so cool to us, is starting to nag us like their our parents and we're living in the basement, hitting the bong and watching Maury all day. 

After analyzing a report on the US agricultural policies of the last decade, the WTO found that US subsidies create an unfair climate for trade, essentially erasing the image of a "free market" that we love to talk about so much. To sum it up real quickly (but please look into it further) a sizable chunk of our tax money is used for payments towards US farms. This law was enacted back in the dust bowl days when family farms still existed and crops were struggling due to the harsh weather patterns. Of course that was before factory farms and genetic modification came along. Nowadays there's no need to hand our money over to gigantic farms whose owner's incomes dwarf even our richest uncle.

So why do we keep the subsidies in tact, knowing that the world doesn't like it, the practice is unfair and...um...we could use that money. Well, the short answer is the farm lobby, which has a tremendous amount of power in Washington. The longer answer may rely on the effects of the subsidies; that of lower food prices. Basically, our food is unnaturally cheap due to the subsidies, which seems great at first listen. But think about it; they're only cheap because our tax money is making it so. Wouldn't you rather just have the money yourself to make your own decision on what to eat? These subsidies also contribute to the amount of sugar being harvested, the results of which are a food system dependent on sugar and a population dependent upon twinkies and Pepsi Max.


Because the food prices are unnaturally cheap (again, thanks to the taxpayer), it makes the global trade system unfair because it's cheaper for a country to import food from the US than grow their own. This, as a result, has devastated the agricultural systems of several third world countries, such as Haiti and Jamaica, whose plight was documented in the film Life and Debt. So this is where the WTO stepped in and told us to cut the shit before the entire world is dependent upon American and European grown genetically modified super mutant corn.


Think we'll do anything about it? Nah. Most wouldn't have read past the first paragraph (but thanks if you did)


-B.James