A Special Why People Suck Report By Reece
Almost went catatonic when I saw this headline on Yahoo! News this afternoon: for a new graphic novel, Superman - one of most iconic symbols in pop culture (other than Oprah..don't ask) - has finally been seduced by the dark side. No, not by Lex Luthor, or Darkseid, or Doomsday. By fucking Twilight. Yes, you read that right. "Superman: Earth One" is a new graphic novel by a couple of dildos J. Michael Straczynski and Shane Davis that have done the unthinkable - they have turned Superman into Edward Cullen. Superman is now sporting hoodies, low cut pants, and skinny ties, like some kind of Super-Fall Out Boy. Superman is been transformed into a hipster. Say it aint so.
 Ruining lives since 1962, one child at a time A Special Report By Bobby James
Let's consider this hypothetical scenario: Say we found out that one of President Obama's staff continually molested children and the administration covered it up. Now when the scandal finally comes to light, the staff member isn't arrested, isn't even fired, but instead is just moved around to, say, the Department of Children's Affairs. Add to that, further information is revealed that the staff of every administration from the past 30 years - spanning Reagan, Clinton and both Bushes- were habitually molesting children and were subsequently shielded from the law. Would you still have confidence in our political system, knowing that our leaders were ignoring their own staff's child diddling? If you answer 'yes' then you are lying. We would revolt and demand justice, as well as a new government.
A Special Report By Big Sus
Fear sells newspapers, pure and simple. This is why news is usually negative and sometimes crushing, and also the reason why people tune it out altogether. The economy going to shit, China taking us over, Islamic fundamentalists planting a smartbomb under your sink, these kinds of things catch our eye. Start quoting statistics or even utter the phrase "it's more complicated than that" and watch thousands of eyes turn away.
Fear strikes hard and it strikes even harder when it involves our children. You want to grab someone's attention? Tell them their kids aren't safe. Pretty soon, all rationality gets thrown out the window and any kind of response can be elicited; racism, hatred, believing Glenn Beck.
Welcome back Mindwaferists! Your boy Bobby James has been out of commission for the past couple of weeks due to an acute case of election fever, brought on by unchecked campaign contributions, attack ads and reoccurring nightmares of a Christine O’Donnell, Joe Miller, and an angry Tea Orgy Party. Now that the election madness has died down for the most part (except for the contest in Alaska, of which they are now accepting post cards as ballots) I can sort through the rubble and tally the casualties. Now, for all of you who (wisely) sat out the election bullshit, here’s a recap of the winners and losers. There were some devastating losses in this midterm election, most of which were barely reported on. Instead, the media decided to focus on the vastly overhyped Tea Party phenomenon (who are they? Wooo! Cue spooky music) and the influence they had over the decisions, even though the tea parties decisions are largely dictated by the billionaire puppet masters like David Koch and Dick Armey. But who needs to know about that? After all is said and done, the Tea Party, who are being touted as some new kind of political order, are nothing more than far-right Republicans or extreme conservatives, comparable to the hard-left liberal wing of the Democratic party (which Obama is not a part of, despite what you’ve been reading). The coverage was such that you would think that the Republican party hasn’t been in control since the civil war era, when in actuality they’ve only been out of power for four years (and only by a handful of votes). But enough time to exploit and economic fallout for political gain and prevent anything worthwhile from being done. Now the Republicans are in control by a handful of votes and it’s the Democrats’ turn to be the spoiled kid who doesn’t want to play basketball because you wouldn’t let him play point guard. Am I the only one who’s getting sick of this back and forth game?
So who were the real winners and losers?
A Special Report By Reece
I always thought that when the world would end, I would be long dead. It would be like the year 67,025 A.D., there would be nothing left of our planet due to war, pollution, and overcrowding, and the Earth would just crumble or implode like some kind of star going supernova and wiping out our existence. But unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. The world is ending sooner than we think. The world in my eyes ended the second I read this story. Note, if you have a daughter or an easily upset stomach, proceed with caution. Go ahead. Read it. Process it, weigh the words delicately as you try not to upchuck in your mouth.
A Special Report By The Hamgurglar
It's no secret that people are getting lazier. With all of the technology to make our life easier and all of the horribly awesome food available to us, it's pretty easy to see why. It is a little disconcerning that this statement applies to kids as well. In a slightly feeble attempt to combat this issue, a few campaigns have been launched. The President's Council on Youth Fitness, made famous by none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger, has been around for decades. But it is no longer a match against Xbox when it comes to pulling sweaty, overweight, mouth-breathers out of thier room. More recently we have "Verb" and the "NFL Play 60" adding to the mix. It's such a concerning matter that thousands, if not millions, of dollars have been invested in advertising, man hours, and literature in the campaigns, making it seem about as vital as cancer or hunger.
A Special Report By Reece
I told myself I would never write about these people. They just seemed like too easy of a topic. It's like Nazis - they are just so universally evil and despicable, what more can you say. What more can you add to validate the sad little lives of people that twist and pervert the laws of our country for their own demented conscious. They aren't worth our time, to be honest. We like to complain about naturally stupid injustices, like the Yankees buying world championships or why a pizza is better than a cheeseburger, or targeting politicans that preach moral superiority while slipping their dick into the prosititute-shaped cookie jar. We don't need to talk about these assholes. Everyone knows about them. They're not worth it. What else could we say that its obvious when you listen to even a milisecond of these cretins open their mouths?
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