Mere weeks after a reality show star crashed a White House dinner, it seems the Secret Service are straight out of a madcap 80s comedy. A couple visiting the capitol were accidentally ushered in to an invitation-only White House breakfast featuring the Prime Minister of India. The following lines describe the scene as something found in The Naked Gun movies: They approached a White House aide with their concern that they had veered off course but were told to "just go with the flow," Darden said.
"I felt kind of funny because I was the only man in the room that wasn't dressed in a coat and tie." he added. "I was just a plain tourist."
-Generated by NewsBot3000
Sorry to get you so excited. I just learned that Bernard Sanders, the Socialist (really) Senator from Vermont, retracted his bill involving single-payer health care that would require that all US citizens receive free medical services. Maybe a little too much right now. But it wasn't the extreme nature of the bill that ultimately derailed Timmy's chances of getting a new leg. Rather, it was Senator Tom Coburn's threat to read the entire 700-plus page bill in front of congress, prompting its members to scream in horror at the prospect of actually having to read their own bills. The event was to be televised live on CSPAN, which would have taken about 12 hours. Sounds like an exciting Tuesday night to me. Honey, cook up some dumplings, we're watching Coburn. -Generated by NewsBot3000
We here at MindWafers just wanted to give a congratulations to the breakaway region of Abkhazia for being officially recognized. It's a big day for Abhazians everywhere and I hope they have a lovely celebration day. Of course Abkhazia wasn't recognized by the "world." Only the island of Nauru, officially the smallest republic on the planet, gave the region its blessings. But hey, it's a start.
Abkhazia is a small region in former Soviet Georgia, which hoped to break away from the country after a two day war. Russia has supported Abkhazia to start their own franchise and was so nice as to offer Nauru millions of dollars in order to lend their support. Don't you love it when we can all agree for the better of the world?
-Generated by NewsBot3000
A Special Report By Reece
I remember exactly where I was the first time I saw MTV's Jersey Shore. It was a life-altering moment, like the first time I heard The Beatles or held my newborn baby brother. I heard snippets of this supposedly wonderous show about guidos and guidettes from Jersey who live for their summers at Da Shore. I remember Tommy from True Life: I'm A Jersey Shore Meatball, the classic MTV show that started the Jersey Shore craze years ago ("Cheeseballs, guy!"), and always thought, man, instead of whiny bitches from The OC or Laguna, why doesn't MTV focus on actual retards? And Lord behold, The Jersey Shore came into our homes and hearts and spread across the nation like a skin rash developing from too much indoor tanning. So there I sat, watching the first episode on my couch one weeknight, ready and willing for anything. And the next hour of my life was the most fascinating, awe-inspiring and cringe-inducing hour I had ever witnessed. 7 darkly tanned, big-haired, big assed and muscle ripped wops in a beach house, filmed 24 hours a day, with nothing to do but drink, eat, and fuck with each other? Cha-ching! This was 24-karat comedy gold. No, strike that, this was comedy platinum. I polished off the premiere episode like a greasy 3 am roast beef at Simard's - fantatstic, delicious, but full well knowing that I would emptying my bowels in fits of regret in a few hours. But then - the previews for next week and subsequent seasons...and then...The Clip. You know what I'm talking about. The Clip To End All Clips. (Incase you don't, take a deep breath and watch this.)
British super-store Tesco has been hit by hilarious controversy after several complained that one of its Christmas cards was offensive to ginger people. The card has a ginger kid sitting on Santa's lap with the caption: "Santa loves all kids. Even the ginger ones." Tesco apologized for the card and pulled it, but I for one, am more impressed with Davinia Phillips, one of the complainers and mother of 3 bespeckled ginger kids. To come out and label your kids ginger finally settles all the arguments that yes, ginger kids exist, they are real, and now that we recognize the problem, we can move towards the solution...
-Reece
ps This was totally an excuse to just play one of my favorite Cartman moments of all time..
The Jersey Shore is infested with parasites - and no, believe it or not I'm not talking about the army of fake Italians sporting skin tight bedazzled t-shirts and matching blowouts. I'm talking about real parasites dropped into the ocean straight out of a science fiction movie. Apparently, these parasites (which look something like the thing they drop in your ear in the Matrix) enter the mouth of a fish and devour it's tongue. Once it's done eating the tongue, it BECOMES the tongue - living inside the mouth of the fish eating whatever food comes its way. If you don't believe me (and you shouldn't) then check it out for yourself right here. Click at your own risk, this picture has caused me to lose several hours of sleep. I should also mention that this was actually discovered off the coast of the British isle Jersey - but then I couldn't have used my Snookie joke -Mike
 We thought he was looking to the future. He was actually just avoiding eye contact Dear Barry,
Let me get right to the point. This way I don't kill you with the suspense. I'm breaking up with you. Yes, I know.
Stop it Barry. Stop crying. Listen, because I need to explain why and I think, as an intelligent and fair person, you deserve to hear it.
First off, you lied. You lied to me and to your country. We all saw you on TV, talking about the illegitimacy of the war in Afghanistan. But seeing you last week, order another 30,000 troops to Afghanistan for a mission that's not even clear, I thought I was witnessing an impostor pull off a clever prank.
Sure, you also declared a timeline for removal of the troops but we all know you won't stick with it. In fact, your sidekick (or master?) General McChrystal has been practically screaming in our faces that we'll be "in Afghanistan for a long time," meaning that the troops aren't coming home in 2011.
And what about torture? You always said that you hated torture. When Bush ordered the operation of "black sites" where foreign captors would be tortured, whether they were guilty or innocent, you said this was wrong. So what did you do when you were in charge? The exact same thing actually, in addition to refusing to prosecute those responsible for torture before you.
A German scientist with really, really, really nothing better to do has invented a spray-on condom that will fit men of all sizes. The spray-on condom works as the man inserts his weinerschitznel into a chamber, and within 20 seconds, a pump covers his unit with liquid latex. It's like sticking your hot dog under the mustard nozzle at Fenway. Pump away! Good Lord, Germans, are you trying to convince the world you're the most bizarre sexual creatures on Earth? Between the pooping videos, the bondage acts, and all the readily available and perplexing German porn online, the country really needs to step back and assess where they stand among other nations. Kudos to scientist Jan Vinzenz Krause, who definitely looks like the type of guy who would spend all day working on radical penis experiments. Couldn't look more creepy in that picture if you paid him. -Reece
- Ugh. More depressing end-of-the-world news: this last decade has been the warmest on record, with the worldwide temperature going up 1 degree overall and thus leading to more melting glaciers, higher ocean levels, more methane being dispersed, and Jake Gylennhal being trapped in more libraries outrunning frost monsters. U.N. Summits are being held and more and more scientists are presenting research to try to convince the rest of the world we need to back off on our extreme overuse of burning fossil fuels and leaving every single light on in the White House when no one's home, but as one UN leader put it perfectly: "Deep down, we know that you are not really listening." The US's response was to the latest UN Summit was a collective "Huh? Can you repeat the question?" then went back to gassing up the official U.N. Humvee. -Reece
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