Good day America! Unfortunately (but fortunately for me) your regular correspondent Bobby James is sick with the swine flu and won't be with you today. However, he's blessed me, Rod Pilf, with his confidence to carry on in his absence and I promise to not disappoint.
The subject today is one which was overlooked in the mainstream media after making a splash before it even happened. Of course I'm speaking of President Obama's forced indoctrination of our school kids by way of "talking" to them. The issue was controversial for about a week but then, when the speech was finally made, everyone backed off. Well I'm not backing off. Obama has made it personal when you're messing with my 3 1/8 children.
Let me ask, is that all our president does, talk? It seems like he's making a speech every night, for gods sakes. Come on man, I'm trying to watch 2 1/2 Men here!
This time, Oblahma wants to talk to OUR kids about their education, of course coding it with messages sent from Soviet think-tanks and verbatim passages from Hugo Chavez' private blog. Look Obama, you don't need to tell my kid how to learn OK? I can talk to my kid, except when it comes to sex, of course, because that's just indecent. I bet that's your next move, telling our kids how babies are made. When will this filth stop?
Welcome back my fellow cash cravers! I'm feeling great today, as I just finished an egg white omelette stuffed with lobster meat and, get this, Cambodian child tears! If I'm correct (and I always am) I bet you're wondering why you'd soggy up an omelette with wet, salty tears. Well, as it turns out, Cambodian children have a special enzyme in their vitreous fluids that enables their tears to taste like a mixture of honey and mindblowing sex with the receptionist. I don't know exactly how they do it, but keep em coming!
Good day folks! It's your old buddy Bobby James with another edition of Weak In Review. Once again I missed my deadline, but luckily not much happened in the world besides a few hurricanes, a possible pandemic and the usual threats of World War III (God's War). For Labor Day, I finally got a bit of a vacation, which I used to visit the lovely town of Forks, Washington, featured in the movie Twilight. What can I say, I'm a Robert Pattinson fanatic! I'd like to report that I had a nice time falling in love with a gorgeous and high cheek-boned vampire, but I was thrown a curveball. Did you know that vampires don't even exist? Nevermind falling in love or playing baseball, these guys are a complete lie. Hearing the news, I flew into hysterics, causing me to be kicked out of a nice little diner and being forced to abandon my reuben (and how I love thee reuben). However, I'm convinced that the diner owner was a vampire and didn't want me on her case. She was pretty cute too.
But without further ado, here's the news:
As you know, three days ago marked the seventh anniversary of the September 11th attacks (absurd that we call it an anniversary) and the papers paraded their usual round of flag-waving and "we will not forget" aphorisms. As we tend to do, Mindwafers didn't want to deliver a regular anniversary article: recapping where we were when it happened (who cares?) or discussing the barbarity of the attacks (I'll give you a hint, it wasn't good). Rather, we wish to talk about what a lot of people are thinking on this day but don't want to say.
For me, I felt nothing on the seventh anniversary. Not the poetic kind of nothing, but I actually felt no emotion for the events on that day. It was ridiculous seeing Facebook status updates with "Never forget" followed by an ad for match.com and a notice about Tiffany winning a Bingo! on Scramble. This whole permanent grieving for 9/11 seems so superficial and insincere, like trying to cry at a funeral for someone you didn't really know.
- Apparently the French must have a more powerful teacher's union than ours. It was reported that a teacher in France bit the finger of a student because he was misbehaving. Even more strange, after he was caught, the teacher was fined only $1,450 for, once again BITING HIS STUDENT'S FINGER. What do you have to do in order to get fired at that school? It seems like biting a kid's finger is on the top of the no-no list. You can't really claim that it's not in the handbook. I think it's commonly assumed that a teacher can't bite his students to make them behave. They didn't even do that back when they could hit kids!
- B. James
 Hello out there in Mindwaferdom. This is Noah Goldfarb with the premier installment of "Dollars or Nonsense," a guide to all those trying to keep those nasty socialists from taking all of your hard-earned (or inherited) money. I'm a qualified financial expert who can back up his claims with a lovely 52-foot yacht and a 7000 square foot mansion in the Hamptons which I use to house my impressive medieval sword collection. I've never seen the place but I hear it's lovely.
Insufferable Prick Has Decent Solution to Healthcare Crisis
Reported by Big Sus
BOSTON (AP) - Patrons of Smitty's, an Irish bar outside Boston's Government Center, were treated to a thesis by Thomas Matheson, a poly sci grad student at nearby MIT. Matheson droned on for nearly two hours about the current healthcare crisis, occasionally making some cogent points despite being a total douchebag.
"I'm not even sure why he started talking to us," said Smitty's regular Steve Tamborello. "We were just minding our own business when this guy comes out of nowhere and starts talking about the evils of the insurance industry."
- Fox News says the latest Atlantic low pressure area nicknamed Hurricane "Fred" is slowing down. Which got me wondering, why do they give name to storms? According to Wiki Answers, the reason is: Hurricanes are named because there can be more than one at a given time in the same region. The same rule applies for typhoons and cyclones as well. This leads to less confusion.This answer just doesn't satisfy me. I have two oak trees in my front yard and I don't name them. Look at the rules they have come up with for that process from wikipedia. "In the North Atlantic and Northeastern Pacific basins, feminine and masculine names are alternated in alphabetic order during a given season. The gender of the season's first storm also alternates year to year. Six lists of names are prepared in advance, and each list is used once every six years. Five letters—"Q," "U," "X," "Y" and "Z"—are omitted in the North Atlantic; only "Q" and "U" are omitted in the Northeastern Pacific. This allows for 21 names in the North Atlantic and 24 names in Northeastern Pacific.[2] Names of storms may be retired by request of affected countries if they have caused extensive damage. The affected countries then decide on a replacement name of the same gender, and if possible, the same language as the name being retired.[3] If there are more than 21 named storms in an Atlantic season or 24 named storms in an Eastern Pacific season, the rest are named as letters from the Greek alphabet."You're telling me that there's some guy that most likely gets paid way more than I do, whose main function is to come up with rules for naming weather events and coming up with 26 names a. I love how they just throw in there, "Oh we go to Greek Names after that", like that's the most logical thing to do. Lets go to a language only one small country in southern Europe uses, that makes complete sense. You know the only reason that came up is because the guy wanted to name a hurricane after his stupid frat in college. The second part that gets me, is why do they use awful names Fred, Andrew, or Bob. Is this a kindergarten student coming up with these names? How bout some badass names like Hurricane Bastardo, or Tropical Storm Chupricabra. I'll tell you one thing if they told people in New Orleans that Hurricane Death was heading toward them I bet a few more people would have left. - Artie
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