I really wasn't sure where to post this; it's entertaining, it's news (to me at least) and it's a sport of sorts. But at the end of the day, tossing a baby over a balcony kind of sucks (at least for the baby). And what was the big deal about Michael Jackson dangling a baby again? At least he didn't let go. It appears he would have been celebrated in India. Now let's see some flying babies!
-Big Sus
A Special Report by Jacob Sussenberger
I'll admit that I'm not a frequent flyer. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've traveled on a plane, but each time I've had the same experience: Whenever I approach airport security, my entire universe goes into doubt. Now even though I can be reasonably sure I have no deadly weapons or biological contaminants hidden on me, the sight of the security guards waiting to check out my pink flesh makes me nervous. For some reason, the pressure of getting through security makes me think that I might have somehow picked up a weapon or two by accident, as if I forgot to empty my pockets of my trusty uranium rods before I got to the airport. Other times I've wondered whether I was unknowingly kidnapped by terrorists, strapped with a vest of plastic explosives and had my memory erased with a Men In Black style mind-scrambler. Even after the security guards (who turned out not to be the FBI caliber secret agents I had suspected) let me go, I enter through the gate with a sigh of pleasure, as if I got away with something. After all, I guess I could hijack a plane with my house keys if I really put my mind to it.
Two of these people will discover masturbating later in the evening
A Special Report By Big Sus
I remember the first time I ever heard of the concept of a 'tweener.' It was on the Howard Stern Show, of all places, where Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling was describing a new product he was putting out; a talking doll using Jackie's real voice. Howard pulled the string and Jackie reeled a series of about 10 jokes so amateurish, so immature, so unfunny that you could hear the embarrassment creeping into the comedian's voice. The jokes were really low-brow stuff, like pee and poop jokes, with cheesy puns and an uncomfortably long laugh after each delivery. Howard said out loud what I was thinking, "Who the hell would buy this thing?"
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