 Afghani exit polls indicate that number one voting issue is 'not getting killed' Welcome back folks to another Weak in Review of your wacky world. I have to admit it was a bit of a slow one this week as the Prez took a week off for some R&R (Run and Retreat) from the endless squawking of healthcare reform opponents. As for me, I decided to make a difference and spent the week monitoring the elections in Afghanistan. Despite what people say about "The Stan" being a hellhole, I found it to be a quite a pleasant little spot. Did you know that you can find the cheapest heroin in the world, as well as the cheapest everything? Hell, I bought a kilo of black tar and some baba ganoush for the price of a bottle of water in the US. I'm even thinking of picking up and relocating the family to Kandahar. I'd probably have an easier time finding a job at least.
The week started off with a bang (or a waterboard) as PresidentObama announced that he will set up a new interrogation unit to challenge the CIA on gathering information on terrorist suspects. Whereas the CIA's methods relied on the 'smash hand with brick, ask questions later' approach, Obama's squad will utilize more caution and sensitivity. Suicide bombing suspects are encouraged to 'hug it out' during interrogations and will take part in a government run finger painting class that will develop alternative modes of expressing anger at The Great Satan. Needless to say, the CIA is not happy at having its power usurped. Watch out Obama, the last time a president took on the CIA, his brains ended up on the backseat of a motorcade. Just be sure to stay away from grassy knolls and people with two first names.
- A leading development company - South West Regional Development company - operating in Britain are taking amazing leaps forward to politically sterilize their personal space by trying to eliminate many common phrases, business lingo terms, and even plain old words because they could be construed as offensive, sexist, and insensitive. Common business-setting phrases that have been used for decades like "gentlemen's agreement", "right-hand man", and "spokesman" are trying to be banned from use. Personally I am horribly offended by ther term "gentlemen's agreement." Are you saying only gentlemen are capable of making agreements? I know plenty of broads that can make agreements with the best of them. SWRDA also believe words that put an unfair connotation on a person's color, such as "Black-balled", "Black sheep" or "black mark" might be offended to African-Americans. I have personally never been offended by the fact that the universal sign for surrender is waving a white flag, but hey what do I know, I'm just an insensitive honky. -Reece
So earlier today Obama re-appointed evil madman Ben Bernanke to another four year term as head of the Federal Reserve. Now I am no expert on the economy, nor do I know what the federal reserve does, but I have a keen ability to read people, and Ben Bernanke is one sinister son of a bitch. Let's take a look at the events that unfolded over the last year and a half. It's April 2008, the economy is booming the Dow Jones is riding high at 13000, Bernanke comes out of the woodwork and says, a "Recession is possible."
Over the next 5 months people start selling off stock because of this dire warning until October when everyone decides they are gonna lose all their money and sell all their stock of in one day dropping the Dow Jones down to 8000. Bernanke then comes out and instead of calming fears he fans the flames with his dick stating, "there is more economic pain ahead." He then goes out and backs a 787 billion dollar stimulus package, and the economy fluctuates up and down based upon mixed signals for the next 4 months until in February he comes out and says the economy is suffering "severe contraction", the next week the Dow Jones hits its lowest figure in years at around 6500, half of what it was when he started this whole mess. The economy again fluctuates around 7500 for the next 5 months until July when he comes out of the blue, changes his tune and says "the economy will be stronger than it had been before this started." (I think he forgot an I after before and switched this and started around) Over the next month the economy rebounds up to Aug. 21 when it reaches its highest level since Nov. 2008, 9500. He comes out and says the "prospects for a return to growth in the near term appear good." Four days later, Obama re-appoints Bernanke to another 4 year term, praising him for leading the US out of its current recession, stating "Ben Bernanke, has led the Fed through the one of the worst financial crises that this nation and this world have ever faced."
 Bush whispered that he felt that he and Cheney were 'drifting apart.' Good afternoon folks! This is your old buddy Bobby James here to recap the shitshow that is our world. My apologies for missing my deadline last week, as I was fighting for health care and immigration reform by downing fistfulls of valium with a human smuggler down in Mexico City, which I may say, is lovely this time of year. Some of the following events may be a bit old because they're just too yummy to pass up and, if you're like me, you spent last week in a void, waking up on a urine soaked bathroom listening to the greatest hits of Cheap Trick. So, on that, here we go:
First off, Sonia Sotomayor was approved as a member of the supreme court, making her the first Hispanic woman on the bench. After being confirmed, Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) handed Sotomayor some Pine Sol and a dust mop and told her not to "steal anything."
The New York Times reported that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney increasingly disagreed with each other during Bush's second term, as Cheney's opinions became less modern imperialistic and more cartoon villain-like. Apparently, White house staff began to notice tension between the two when Bush set his Facebook relationship to "It's complicated." In addition, the photograph of Cheney on Bush's nightstand was said to be turned face down as Bush spent a weekend in his room, listening to the Cure.
There's a saying, attributed to either Frank Zappa or Laurie Anderson, that talking about music is like dancing about architecture. We can extend that further and say that it's also like yelling about health care, which is virtually all the media has been talking about for the past few weeks.
In different areas across the country, politicians subjected themselves to a modern day version of the medieval practice of throwing tomatoes at the performers, now known as the town hall meeting. The point of these town halls hoped to gain support for Obama's ideas for a new healthcare system which seeks to insure the 45 million or so people in the US who now have no coverage. I'd like to say that the meetings have been met by a group of rational, contemplative citizens engaging in sincere debate about the merits and obstacles of overhauling the massive healthcare spending that swallows up nearly half of our federal budget.
But this is the US we're talking about, where Kim Kardashian is a star even though we don't know what she does for a living.
The Washington Post wrote an editorial today, praising congress' decision to devote 1.4 billion to the Mexican government to control the drug gangs who are rampaging through large swaths of the country, responsible for much of the illegal drugs smuggled into the US. The smuggling problem has gotten so bad that, in border towns such as Nuevo Laredo, seven police captains were killed in one year, one unfortunate commander on his first day on the job. It's a telling sign when one of the questions in the interviewing process is "do you have life insurance?"
Obviously, Mexico is falling apart, mainly due to our savage appetite for drugs. Regardless, The Post is misguided in their support for the new plan. The newspaper, the same that broke the Watergate case, has turned from a scoop-heavy defender of the public's right to know, into a lazy, cheerleading mouthpiece for the apathetic. Their faulty logic derives from actually thinking that military-run drug prevention does any good and won't be taken over by mass bribes and cronyism. Hell, we can't even run an untainted political system, what makes us think that Mexico's is any more honest.
Surprisingly, they're not a fertility cult of any kind or a Dan Brown-style secret society of mothers popping out mutant babies to take over the world. No, The Birthers are a group of angry people who, for some reason, maintain that the president wasn't born in the country so he's unable to be president.
Despite the proof of a birth certificate that proves otherwise, The Birthers continue their loud, angry rabble. They claim that birth certificates contain a liberal bias and the government has no right to tell an American citizen when they were born.
It turns out that their main gripe is that Obama was born in Honolulu. It's impossible for The Birthers to conceive that a state ending in three vowels can be part of the US. In fact, the issue has been raised that perhaps Hawaii is nothing but a scheme hatched up by the left to install a socialist government that forces children to wear flowery shorts and play the ukulele.
The Birthers represent a new wave of protesters, a form of performance art where the protesters rail against ever more absurd causes. Anti-abortion marches and anti-gay rallies are so yesterday. It's almost as if some guys got together, threw a bunch of hackneyed causes into a pot, shook it up and picked one up.
And you want to know who's part of The Birther club? James Von Brunn, also known as the crazy Nazi Holocaust Memorial shooter, who claimed on a blog that Obama had hidden documents from the public. Like I always say, in order to prove something, you just need a credible celebrity at your side.
Ironically, The Birther movement has weakened the GOP's reputation. The group isn't embraced by all of the republicans, just the extra crazy ones, like Rush Limbaugh and Lou Dobbs, who just basically just need to fill up some airtime. Why not throw out every rumor you hear? Obama is the flying humanoid, Obama ate a baby in order to satiate his appetite for sweet socialism, there's two right there.
This whole thing is a lot like the 9-11-was an inside job-people, who had to ruin every liberal protest by making everyone involved look crazy. Unfortunately, these are the people who have the most time on their hands, along with an unlimited supply of poster-board and Sharpies. I'm just waiting for all The Birthers to get together and burn their birth certificates because Obama being born on some magical island is obviously their Vietnam.
Mayo, I guess your an illegal alien now.
 After telling him to 'git neked,' Bill Clinton steals Kim Jong Il's clothes This week in the world was a doozy all right. All law and order crumbled and society disintegrated into a scene reminiscent of The Road Warrior.
First off, in southern Sudan, tensions have increased between competing tribes, causing officials to be nervous of a possible return to the civil war that killed more than 2 million people and has seen about 30 temporary ceasefires. It's like Jay-Z vowing retirement except, you know, a civil war. Upon hearing the news, America collectively stood up and promised to find Sudan on a map.
Also, in holy shit, we're fucked news, attacks in Afghanistan increased and military officials estimate that more than half of the country is being run by the Taliban, the guys that (I guess) we were there to get rid of (or was that al-quada, I get confused). Reportedly, General Petraeus said to Richard Myers, Chief of the Joint Chiefs, that the war was going badly. Myers replied "which war?" and the two men had a good laugh over cocktails.
Oil speculator Andrew Hall is set to receive a $100 million bonus for his work in securing huge profits for Citigroup, the behemoth that was bailed out by taxpayer money. The public would be furious, except they don't know what an oil speculator actually does.
Speaking of oil, it's running out faster than Ruble vodka in a back-alley, says economist Faith Birol of the International Energy Agency. Birol claims that we need four Saudi Arabias to satisfy our energy demands through the next century. Scientists were told to cease work on developing alternative energy and begin working on building four new Saudi Arabias.
Cambodia banned annual "Miss Landmine Contest," an event showcasing victims of errant landmines left over from the Khmer Rouge era. It's too bad because the talent portion was something special.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially took his oath of office after a contested election where the opposition claimed that the incumbent rigged votes. Ahmadinejad won on the strength of his inspiring motto, No you can't.
And the biggest story of the week: Bill Clinton flew to North Korea, gave Kim Jong Il a noogie and freed two journalists, who were taken captive after illegally entering the country. On his way home, Clinton crushed Iran's nuclear facility with his bare hands, solved the middle east crisis and made peace between He-Man and Skeletor.
-B.James
 White House Beer Summit Continues Into 2nd Week:
Obama and pals still throwing them back despite angry calls from neighbors.
By Bobby James
Washington (AP) - A week since the media frenzy died down over President Obama's meeting with Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, the threesome have continued a non-stop drinking binge.
"I was shocked when I first saw them," said Jeff Sweeney, a Domino's Pizza employee, who delivered two meat lovers pizzas to 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue. "They were playing darts in the basement while Gates was on his laptop, looking at Youtube videos. It was the most surreal thing I've ever seen."
President Obama called in sick for the past week, claiming he must "have the swine flu or somethin'." Sources close to the president claim that Obama was putting on a phony sick voice over the telephone. They also claim that a stream of giggles continually echoes out of Obama's basement hangout, along with the constant sound of AC/DC's Greatest Hits played at maximum volume.
"I swear I saw them playing cornhole on the lawn," said groundskeeper Emanuel Tavares. "Once they saw me, everyone ran away."
The beer summit began innocently enough, with Obama wanting to strike a dialogue with the two men, who were embroiled in a controversy surrounding Gates arrest at his Cambridge home, stemming from a mistaken 9-11 call alleging that Gates was burglarizing his house. The event set off a public outcry about the state of race relations in the US.
Regardless, the issue of the arrest was never mentioned. Instead, the men spent their time talking about their favorite episodes of The Dukes of Hazard over a game of Asshole. The summit climaxed when Gates challenged Crowley to an arm wrestling competition.
It was at this point where Vice President Joe Biden made the comment that they should "make things interesting" before hopping into his pick-up truck to purchase one of many kegs of beer.
Neighbors have complained about the noise, which often carries into the early morning.
"There's no peace around here," said Shirley McCafferty, one of Obama's neighbors on Pennsylvania Avenue. "I keep finding empty beer cans in my garden. They used to be so quiet over there. Now I can't even get the newspaper without the vice president making cat calls at me."
For those who don't want to read the idiocy themselves, here's a quick summary. Last week, Obama was looking to hold a press conference to discuss the latest plans for the healthcare overhaul, only to find that ABC didn't want to air it in primetime. It turns out that our healthcare system isn't as important as watching pathetic has-beens trying to tap-dance to "Puttin on the Ritz."
As a result, Obama's chief of staff had to call the CEO of Disney in order to get the president on TV, since Disney owns ABC. It's pretty fucked up to know that, with that system in place, FDR would have had to appeal to Dreamworks in order to broadcast a fire-side chat. Who knew that Goofy and Pluto were more powerful than the leader of the free world?
But it gets worse.When I first read this next sentence, I figured it was a joke. God I wish it were:
"The upshot was that the news conference was moved up an hour, to 8 p.m. -- a boon to NBC, which had a 9 p.m. special featuring overnight British singing star Susan Boyle."
Remember the uproar over the election? Hope, dreams, change, cash, prizes. Is our attention span now that short that we can't skip a night of watching awful singing to know what's going on with our own healthcare system? Of course, I barely made it through that last sentence without checking my Lady Gaga Tweets.
-B.James
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