By Reece (email Reece)
Link: Germany has offered to send remote-controlled robots to help clean up and repair damage at Japan's Fukushima nuclear reactors
Is anyone else terrified of this development? Germany and Japan teaming up again like the old days and this time they have nuclear-resistant robot warriors? Look at the mug on that robot. When did Germany start building mini-Voltrons? No good can come of this at all. Well, some good – namely stopping the spread of poisoning radiation among the Japanese. But other than that – no good. No good at all.
March 31, 2011 is the 90th day of the year. There are 275 days remaining until 2012.
Today’s Date In Obscure History: 1918. Daylight Saving Time is first used in the U.S. The idea was first proposed by an amateur bug collector, who wanted longer days for his bug hunting. It was first used by Germany and its allies in World War I as a way to conserve coal. It was another two years before the U.S. caught on. So, 39 million people die in a war, but on the plus side, you can spend an extra hour at the beach in the Summer.
Today's Birthday: 1596. Rene Descartes - Philosopher. He was also a great mathematician. Remember plotting points on graph paper in math class? Descartes was the guy that invented that system. However, "x-axis" and "y-axis" don't read very well on T-shirts, so instead we recite, "I think, therefore I am," and pretend that we're all philosophers.Today's Death: 1913. J.P. Morgan - Financier. Pretty much saved the country's economy single-handedly in 1907 when the stock market crashed. He just opened the window of his mansion and proclaimed, "Jay-P make it rain," and started dropping C-notes over NYC. Today’s Birthday of Someone You Thought Was Already Dead: 1928. Gordie Howe - Hockey player. Played until he was 52. That is in-fucking-sane. This is a sport where fighting doesn't earn you a suspension, just a time-out and guys hit you with sticks. When he played, no one wore helmets. 52. Let's try and put that in perspective. Can you imagine Charles Barkley playing in the NBA today? He's only 48. That's why Gordie Howe will always be Mr. Hockey.
Today's Crazy News Story: House in Wales said to resemble Adolf Hitler (not residents in house - actual house)
Fun Fact: Jaguars are the largest cats in the Western hemisphere.
By Big Sus (Email Sus)
Does anyone remember Highlights magazine? The one you probably read while waiting for the dentist? Had a backpage that folded out where you had to find objects hidden in the picture? Ring any bells? Within Highlights, there was always a feature titled Goofus and Gallant, which was a short comic strip featuring two boys with those respective names. The purpose of the comic was that Gallant was polite and did everything correctly, while Goofus was the screw-up who your parents hated. While Gallant composed himself with a nicely combed head of hair, Goofus stumbled around with an unkempt mop full of cat piss. Anyway, I found this short story, written by Jim Stallard, that's composed of testimonials of people who knew Goofus and Gallant and their thoughts on both of them. It leads to a dark but hilarious place by the end. It's short and very funny. Here's a sample:
Alex, high-school teacher of Goofus:
Goofus had a top-notch bullshit detector. Most teenagers think they have one, but his was the real thing, and I'm one of the few teachers who can relate to it. I introduced him to Kerouac, Bukowski, Burroughs. He acted enthusiastic about writing a paper in which they interacted. But it turned out to be seven pages of ... well, I was one of the characters in the scene, which was extremely graphic and not what we agreed on.
Paul, Gallant's college acquaintance:
Gallant just didn't get it when it came to relating to people. He would say words the "proper" way that no one normal ever does—you know, "Don't act immatoor." Always the authority. One night I'm walking to dinner with him and another student, a friend from England, and we're ragging on each other—he's calling me Yank and I'm calling him Limey. Gallant breaks in to inform us that "Limey" comes from the British navy, eating limes to avoid scurvy, blah, blah, blah. Gee, thanks, Gallant. Dork.
Take a few minutes of your (not really) busy day to read it, you won't regret it.
By Seagull (e-mail the Seagull)
Link: Doctors warn of "Facebook Depression"
What the fuck is going on around here? A few weeks back I wrote about some bullshit study that said Facebook boosts people’s self esteem. Now they’re saying Facebook causes depression too? Jesus people, you’re spotting dimes, you’re eating onions, I don’t know what the hell is going on here! Make up your minds you idiots because you can’t have it both ways. These quack doctors and scientists are always looking for shit like this to blame the world’s problems on and/or justify their jobs. I’m gonna break it down for everybody real easy here. People who suck at life are simply reminded of that when they look at other people’s Facebook page. People who DON’T suck at life are simply reminded of that when they look at their own Facebook page. It’s not rocket science… And I don’t need a bunch of phony baloney studies to explain this to me. Fact is there are people who go home and fuck the prom queen and there are people who go home and play Dungeons & Dragons in their parent’s basement. I can assure you Facebook is not the reason either one of these people feels the way they do about themselves, so stop wasting everybody’s time with this shit.
Here's the catchy tune that tearing up the clubs all around Libya...literally. The song, "Zenga Zenga" was put together by an Israeli named Noy Alooshe, a member of Israeli techno group Chovevei Tzion (what, you've never hear of them?). Although the song was meant to be a parody of Ghadafi and lampoon his somewhat nonsensical speeches, it's become a huge hit in the arabic speaking world. Try and compete with that Lady Gaga. You'll have to do better than a meat suit.
Here's the translated lyrics:
[Chorus]: Inch by inch. House by house. Home by home. Alley by alley.
Forward, forward! Revolution! (Revolution!)
I got millions on my side, not from the inside but from other countries.
From here I send a call to all the millions in the desert.
From desert to desert the millions will march and no one will be able to stop them.
Fast, fast!
The bell to work has rang!
The bell to march has rang!
The bell of victory has rang!
No turning back!
Forward, forward! Revolution! (Revolution!)
I'm not sure where the dancing girls come in, but maybe that's the 'bell' that's being referred to.
March 30, 2011 is the 89th day of the year. There are 276 days remaining until 2012.
Today’s Date In Obscure History: 1858. The first pencil with an attached eraser is patented. People, we were born in the wrong era. What's left to combine and get rich off of? We've already got sporks, iPhones, and edible underwear. Unless someone can figure out how to join BBQ ribs with porn, it's over. Actually, don't Google that.
Today's Birthday: 1926. Ingvar Kamprad - Entrepreneur. The entrepreneurial spirit is very "do-it-yourself." Kamprad applied that fairly literally and got rich off broken down furniture that he sold to people and said, "Do it yourself." Thanks to IKEA he's now worth about $6 billion. No mention of how much is due to the sales of lingonberries.
Today's Death: 1783. Willam Hunter - Anatomist. The top obstetrician of his day, Hunter was quite revered. He commissioned sculptures made of the muscles in corpses to create visual aids for other doctors. Kind of like the Bodies The Exhibition of his time. One thing about Hunter did bother some people in his later years. How did he keep stumbling upon the corpses of pregnant women to use for these sculptures?
Today’s Birthday of Someone You Thought Was Already Dead: 1937. Warren Beatty - Actor. Nothing to add. I just thought he was dead. Honestly, what was the last movie you remember seeing him in?.
Today's Crazy News Story: Boston bans beer towers
Fun Fact: The average gestation period for a donkey is one year.
By Reece (email Reece)
Boy that Internet was a Wild West back in the day, wasn't it? Just mustached rapists in sleeveless Tee's striking at kids left and right, suckering them into trips to the mall. How disappointed do you think Sandy and Ling Wu were when they thought they were meeting a 12 year old new friend of theirs and Fatty McRape Stash showed up instead wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and a cock sock? By the way I could have definitely used this video back when I first I was first surfing the Prodigy net world back in the mid 90s on the family MacIntosh 89 DOS classic or whatever the fuck it was. I don't think my parents ever told me that 95% of the people I was talking to in chat rooms were sweaty dudes probably jacking off everytime I entered my a/s/l with a great big smiley face icon. Here I was just a big goof just thinking there were kids out there too that were into baseball cards and ice cream sandwiches.
PS Love that chat program they were running back then. Was that AOL AIM negative 14?
March 29, 2011 is the 88th day of the year. There are 277 days remaining until 2012.
Today’s Date In Obscure History: 1886. Coca-Cola is born. After Fulton County passed prohibition laws, Dr. John Pemberton asks, "Cocaine's still good, yeah?" and brews the first batch of Coca-Cola. Years later Rick James would religiously use a straw to drink Coca-Cola through his nose.
Today's Birthday: 1869. Ales Krdlicka - Anthropologist. Remember social studies class and hearing about Indians coming to the continent when the Bering Strait froze over? Just walking on over from Asia? Krdlicka's the guy that came up with the theory. Granted, he had to cut off the heads of some decomposing bodies for his research, but it won him prestige amongst his peers.
Today's Death: 1751. Thomas Coram - Sea Captain and Philanthropist. During the same time that Blackbeard was terrorizing the seas and robbing people, Captain Coram was building ships and thinking about abandoned kids who were living on the streets. He got a Royal Charter to start the world's first incorporated charity, the London Foundling Hospital. The site is now a 7 acre children's playground, Coram's Field, and adults aren't allowed in unless they're bringing kids to play. Do not sully this man's name with a pedophilia joke, he was a good guy.
Today’s Birthday of Someone You Thought Was Already Dead: 1964. Michael Jackson - Politician. I'm pretty sure Michael Jackson was a singer, not a politician. But Wikipedia seems to think he was a Sheriff in Maryland. This is what happens when anyone can edit an encyclopedia.
. Today's Crazy News Story: Two men attempt to sneak 40 pythons onto plane in Indonesia
Fun Fact: Fact: An acre was originally understood as a measure of the amount of land an ox could plough in one day.
By Reece (email Reece)
The only thing more confused by this video than me is my penis. Should I be turned on by this? Is this boner material? I have no idea. On the one hand, you have boobs. Can't argue with that. But then you have this withered hag grabbing every tit in sight, caressing this poor model, and taking us step by step on how to unhook a bra like a couple of kids in the back seat of a Tercel. I don't know what the Christ is going on. I call boner. But I'd be willing to argue disgusting as well.
March 28, 2011 is the 87th day of the year. There are 278 days remaining until 2012.
Today’s Date In Obscure History: 1797. First U.S. Patent for a washing machine is issued. Because of the Patent Office Fire of 1836, no description of Nathaniel Briggs' device exists, and it is not known what kind of washing device Briggs invented. Well played, Briggs. Time to backdate a patent application for the internet and start a fire.
Today's Birthday: 1899. Augustus Anheuser Busch, Jr - Brewer. Junior was the one who started using the Clydesdales as a company logo back in 1930. He also bought the St. Louis Cardinals. So if you want a better tasting beer, Augustus can't help you. However, if your baseball team needs a new mascot he may be able to help design it.
Today's Death: 1943. Sergei Rachmaninoff - Composer. Sergei wrote some beautiful symphonies and concertos that you've never heard of because you're a cultural dolt. Go get your classy on.
Today’s Birthday of Someone You Thought Was Already Dead: 1956. April Margera - Mother. I just found in incredible that Bam hasn't killed her with a stupid stunt, or that she hasn't decided to end it all after seeing what an imbecile she's raised.
Today's Crazy News Story: Woman smuggles 1,000 pounds of cocaine in diaper
Fun Fact: Think your bracket is screwed? The most first round upsets in the NCAA tournament came in 2001, including all of the #9 seeds advancing, as well as a #15 (Hampton over Iowa State.)
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