Greetings Underlings,
Now that tax season has passed, I feel I need to share with you the reports from the past fiscal year. While I expected tremendous growth among the Mindwafers corporation, I failed to consider that employers are obligated to pay taxes and, as a result, the IRS placed a lien on Mindwafers HQ, as well as my fleet of 7 military grade hover vehicles.
It appears that things are not going so well. To put it simply, we're shit broke. Our electricity costs are through the roof, no doubt stemming from Mike's grow operation in the attic, not to mention Trip Marshmellow's non-stop Pink Floyd lazer show that plays continually in the basement. We've spent too much for too long and it's time to make some important cuts. Most importantly, we've been spending way too much on paper towels. It seems like everytime I glance at an expense sheet, I'm having to order new rolls of paper towels. The cost of paper towels alone this year cost the company $1.2 million. I have reason to believe that Rod Pilf, who was hired as a janitor but continues to somehow post articles, has been purposely flushing paper towels down the toilet with the purpose of bankrupting the company. He must be found and delivered to me. I also have reason to believe that he's hiding in the ducts.
Sure, you could say that our out of control costs started when I installed the turrets on the roof, which cost a cool $4 million each. But then again, they look cool and it exudes fear into our competitors, so I feel that they more than justify the expense. If our headquarters were ever to be invaded, it's certain that we would be able to fight off those mongols with the cunning use of automatic gunfire. Regardless, because the turrets were installed incorrectly, it will cost another $400 million to correct the problem. I knew I shouldn't have used illegals for the installation. Pilf, you were right on that one.
So, what I'm trying to say, and this is difficult, is that we need to cut our budget completely. I'm saying that...oh this is tough...is we need to shut down Mindwafers for a couple of weeks and figure out what we're going to do, what direction we're moving in. There's too many questions to ask and not enough answers. The world will keep spinning, I think anyway, so we'll be back stronger than ever. I regret any inconvenience that this may cause you or your families but know that you will not be paid during this recess and your health insurance plans will be suspended until further review.
Thank you
-H.M. Mindwafer
 This is hung above my bed I've been silent about this too long. For the past two weeks, Americans have been whooping it up with cheers over the death of Osama Bin Laden, the guy who convinced Iraq to attack us on 9/11. While I'm happy as a clam that we got rid of this clown, I can't help but be a bit skeptical of the timing. Oblama wants us to think that he went in there by himself and grabbed Bin Laden out of his Pakistan hideout. But everybody knows that it was former President Bush who put in all the work, calculating Bin Laden's position and setting him up to be put down. For all we know, maybe Bush left Osama purposely so that the next president would get the credit. Bush is selfless like that.
But, like I said, the timing of the killing is what makes me question the whole thing. Doesn't it seem convenient that this came a week after Oblama supplied his "real" birth certificate to the nation? The certificate, a flimsy piece of cardboard that I could have prepared in minutes, was instantly rebuffed by any sensible person. I was in grade school too, you know. I made a side business out of fabricating fake birth certificates, supplying my fellow colleagues who were too young to be accepted into the campus Republicans and needed an age boost. I was their man.
And what of his school records? Once King Trump brought up the subject, Oblama cowered into a corner like a frightened pigeon about to get its teeth removed. Then, all of a sudden, we all love the guy because Osama is dead? Give me a break. Obviously, this whole 'killing Osama' issue was just a smokescreen for what really matters; the fact that our president is a dumb foreigner.
But the biggest smokescreen, the king (or should I say fuhrer) of smokescreens, is Oblama's resistance in facing the debt ceiling. Now let's get this straight, the debt ceiling isn't like the glass ceiling. No way, this ceiling is for the boys only. The debt ceiling is the amount our country is able to borrow at a time. Our fearful president wants to raise the debt ceiling so he can borrow money like he was Whimpie craving a hamburger. Don't be fooled people. Osama Bin Laden never actually existed. He was created by the left wing media in order to scare us into raising the debt ceiling. But Rod Pilf isn't going for that junk. I will stauncily refuse to move that ceiling even an eighth of an inch. And I'm showing my solidarity by cutting expenses in my own life. For the next month, Rod Pilf will purchase nothing for his family in order to cut expenses.
Furthermore, I am advocating that Mindwafers cut its expenses to show that we mean business. I'm talking no computers, no notebooks, no long distance calls, no electric bill, nothing; cut, cut, cut. I am formally announcing a grand protest aimed at Mindwafers.com if they fail to adhere to the philosophy of the cut. Don't incur my wrath Mindwafers, I've taken out greater foes in my day.
With the purpose of lifting up his floundering campaign, presidential hopeful Donald Trump is throwing down a new gauntlet. The millionaire impressario spent the past month obsessing about the president's birthplace but now says that there's a more urgent issue to raise with Obama.
"I, Donald Trump, owner of many tall buildings, is telling you today that our president killed our Lord and savior Jesus Christ," Trump said to a packed at audience gathered in the town square Biddeford, Maine. "If he says it's not true then why not release the records proving that he didn't kill Christ. I mean, we don't know anything about this guy."
While Trump says that he doesn't have any "evidence" to prove his accusation, he insists that Obama was present during the turbulent period in Rome where a young idealist man named Jesus ruffled the feathers of "elitists, like this Obama character." Trump also elaborated on his accusation, claiming that Obama was a business partner of Pontius Pilate, the Roman Senator who betrayed Jesus and had a major hand in his crucifixion. According to Trump, days before the crucifixion, Pilate met with Obama, who was at the time being serviced by a chambermaid, and told to forsake Jesus so that Islam would reign supreme.
 Osama, standing in front of his 200 volume children's series, The Pious Kitty Osama's Journals Are Full of Poems About Puppies, Bombs Osama Bin Laden, who is still dead, left behind volumes of personal journals and flash drives full of information, which officials are pouring over like a middle-aged housewife devours a British royalty edition of US Weekly. What they've found so far is that Osama was much more in charge than they thought, according to Osama at least. Plans were found for many past failed bombing campaigns, as well as future ideas about the future of terrorism, with Osama sounding like Nostradamus with a vest full of explosives. The most provocative info concerned Osama's ideas on striking cities other than New York, particularly Los Angeles. Osama said that they should target trains and strike on an important day. Little did he know that LA has about as good a public transport system as a Somalian village. As for the 'important date' maybe he should have struck during the premiere of the next Anne Hathaway movie and done everyone a favor. But he would wrestle him to the ground with his bare hands. Texas Rep. Ron Paul said in a radio interview that, if he were president (if we could be so lucky), he would not have ordered Osama Bin Laden killed in Pakistan. Rather, Paul says that he would have coordinated with local police and have arrested the al qaeda leader, ensuring that he faced a civilian trial. Already out of the Republican mainstream, Paul went onto make some actual sense. He made the analogy that, if Osama were in London, it's unlikely that we would have ignored British police and conducted the raid on our own. Wow, a real good point. Honestly, I'm stunned that a Texas Republican just made the best point I've heard all year. And the American people will reward that critical analysis by not voting for Ron Paul and marginalizing him as a fringe hack. Because, after all, Newt Gingrich is...a guy who we're familiar with and Mitt Romney...yeah, we know his name too. While Ron Paul was killing it on the radio, the other Republicans did their usual sneak attack for their worthy cause of killing everything that's not them. Rep. Buck McKeon, submitted their version of the Defense Authorization Bill, which included a tiny, tiny little amendment that might be a tiny, tiny bit important. The amendment states that an "authorization of military force includes the authority to address the evolving threat posed by these groups." In human language, this means that the bill would hand over complete power to the president to fight terrorists, whoever they may be, in the name of The War On Terror. After learning that they can get whatever they want in the name of war, next year, Congress will introduce the War On Sting, which hopes to eliminate the threat of the musician Sting. Then the following year, they will release the War On Not Getting Blowjobs to tackle a serious problem among the barren wasteland that is an American Congressman's nether regions. We all kind of saw this one coming right? Symantec Corp says that third parties are "accidentally" getting user's information online throught the applications available on Facebook. That means that these companies now know that most Farmville users are lonely, boring compulsive masterbaters, who enjoy Sugarland and the movie Transformers. Is it still a violation of privacy if the privacy isn't interesting?
By Reece (email Reece)
Ever since Bin Laden's somewhat MILFy wife and his hipster looking son have been making headlines - boo hoo, our husband/father was shot in the head, woe is us - I have found the whole thing fishy. Especially Osama's son, Omar Bin Laden, who looks the DJ assasiin that tried to command Derek Zoolander to kill the prime minister of Malaysia by playing Frankie Says Relax. But it wasn't until the team of cracked journalists at Mindwafers uncovered his horrible secret that I truly saw the light.
Behold...
Omar Bin Laden IS Wayne Skylar from Channel's 5 Only Married News Team on the Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job!
That, or Christopher from The Sopranos with dredlocks.
Either way, nice try Al Queda. You're gonna have to get up pretty early to pull one on us again!
 Arrgghh, that disproportionate amount of yellow makes me angry Call me foolish but I thought we already left Iraq. Military officials are considering extending the August 2011 timeline for troops to leave Iraq because, hey, why ruin a good thing? As we all know, Iraqis are thrilled with having our military in their country and especially the love the sight of a multi-billion dollar military base occupying an area where they could put 1,000 schools, hospitals or at least a nice casino (Iraqis gotta gamble too).
Amazingly, another Wall Street titan was taken down, the second in a month period at a time where there are likely hundreds of others that got away. Raj Rajaratnum, a founder of the Gallon Group, a hedge fund that does things that I can't afford, was found guilty on 5 terms of conspiracy. The case derives from several shady deals that Rajaratnum took part, concerning insider trading from various technology firms. Lest you think that 'the Raj' is a scapegoat, you will be comforted to know that the firms he made deals with will be ignored and you will never hear about this case again. Sorry Raj, but we needed to make an example of someone. Your name doesn't help your case either.
An article in the BBC today asked the question, "Why are Americans so mad about oil prices?" The article pointed out that most European countries pay twice as much at the pump as Americans and our culture has thrived too long on 'scandalously cheap energy and big business.' So why are we so mad about gas prices? Because we're Americans and we get mad at things, that's what we're good at. We do wars, attack ads and WWE wrestling. You Europeans go ahead and do your sorbet and your waffles and...whatever else you're known for (I'm an American robot therefore I speak through an American filter). Why are we so mad, Europe? Why are you such pussies? American out.
 I’ve been nowhere to be found this whole playoffs” By Doza (email Doza)
Before KG left Adidas for the Chinese sneaker company, Anta, his favorite Adidas slogan was “Impossible is Nothing” (who can forget him screaming “Anything’s possible!!” after winning the 2008 Finals?). In this case, 3 straight wins would be something. 3 straight wins isn’t impossible; but it is improbable. Our backs are against the wall. Fight or flight. Win or go home. CelticsBlog tweeted a great Winston Churchill quote today: “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty”. The pessimist thinks Rondo’s arm has to be killing him, KG just shot 1 for 10, Big Baby looks like Robert “Tractor” Traylor (Rest in Peace), Shaq is a non-factor, the Heat have won 3 in a row in Miami against us and LeBron (fadeaway and three-pointer over Pierce) and D-Wade (three-pointer in OT) have hit every single big-money shot. The optimist is thinking like Kevin Millar in 2004 before Game 4 against the Yankees: “Don’t let us win tonight!”
 It's back to the single life for Arnold Since the death of Osama Bin Laden, there's been plenty of finger pointing going on, mostly from us to Pakistan, who we say harbored Bin Laden for the past few years. Pakistan, in return, has denied the allegations and, as a sign of good faith, outed one of our CIA agents in the process, just to be a dick. Luckily the CIA agent is hiding out in a suburban mansion bordered by barbed wire so it's unlikely that Pakistan will be able to find him. After the outing, the US punished Pakistan by only giving them $2 billion this year instead of the $8 billion that was promised. Take that Pakistan! Perennial hobknob Newt Gingrich decided to throw his hat in the ring, mainly because it looks like at this pace there will be no Republican challengers for the next presidential election. Gingrich is known for obsessing about a cum-stain on a dress while, at the same time, cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. This proved that Newt Gingrich himself was actually a cum-stain the entire time. Good luck Newt, I'll see you when the media is tearing those skeletons out of your closet. Former California Governor Arnold Swarzenegger is wishing that he could travel in time, as he finds himself separated from his wife, Maria Shriver. It always seemed strange that these two were together, as Shriver hails from the Kennedy family, a democratic dynasty if there ever was one. But it wasn't political disagreements that had anything to do with the split. Rather, Shriver decided to finally watch Last Action Hero and compared it to a snuff film before packing her things and burning her eyes with hydrochloric acid. Sad news for weed heads everywhere. Officials in Amsterdam, the weed smoking mecca of the world, are considering a law that would ban all visitors to the city from entering the infamous cannabis coffee shops. They would revert the coffee shops into private clubs, where membership could only be attained if you're a Netherlands resident. Angry activists planned to take to the streets to protest the potential law but soon realized there was a Dr. Who marathon on TV.
Here we go with another week. Spring is sprung, your eyes are itchy and you want to be anywhere but at work. It may look like you're stuck, that things are not getting better anytime soon, but with the economy in such a sad state, at least be thankful that you have a job and always remember: It could be worse. For as bad as things get, as much as you find yourself in that hole of debt, at least you can sleep easy knowing that you're not an: Immokalee Worker Immokalee is a small town in Florida that's best known for its tomatoes. It is a favorite of companies such as Whole Foods, Burger King, McDonalds and Yum! Brands, which owns KFC, Pizza Hut, Long John Silvers and Taco Bell, who are able to purchase the tomatoes at a small price so you can eat a gordita for 99 cents. But, as usual, there's a cost to these cheap little tomatoes. In 1993 the Coalition of Immokalee Workers was created, made up of Haitian, Mayan Indian and latino immigrants who had been subject to harsh conditions more familiar to the third world than the richest country in the world. While working in the tomato fields, the workers were forced to live in shacks, which they were expected to pay for out of their checks. The living expenses put the farmers into so much debt that they're forced to continue working to pay it off, adding up to a sly type of slavery just given another name. A Florida federal prosecutor even dubbed the town "ground zero for modern-day slavery." Rather than being paid hourly or salary, the workers are paid for what they pick, averaging out to about 50 cents for 32 pounds of tomatoes. And you complain when you have to pick up a ten pound box! Just last year, it was agreed that the Immokalee workers would get 1 cent more per pound by its corporate buyers. Shockingly, this 1 cent raise was fought against for over 10 years until Burger King was the first to give in, followed by Yum! brands. But still, the workers receive about $12,000 per year, with most of that going toward their housing. I guess that's one of those 'jobs that no one else wants to do' that we love to talk about.
So next time you're in a hurry and stop by the drive-in at Taco Bell, remember, there's a reason why you were able to eat a 3-pound steak burrito for 2 bucks. Be sure to enjoy that taste of refried beans and Mayan tears and remember, it could be worse.
By Doza (Email Doza)
When I saw Rondo land on the floor and his arm looked like something from Faces of Death I thought, “this is Armageddon for this Celtics season”. Little did I know, the C’s little man said “Imma gettin’ my ass back in the game!” When Rondo came back in the game, he might as well had his left hand in his pocket or with a Red Bull in it. He was a one-armed bandit making one-handed passes and dribbling all with his right hand. But it invigorated the Celtics squad and crowd, as we saw KG turn back the clock (28 points) and Pierce show the aggressiveness he has lacked earlier in the series (27 points, 12 of the first 23 points for the C’s).
This was more impressive than Willis Reed for the Knicks or Larry Bird coming back after banging his grill against the parquet floor. Every time Rondo had to use in his left dislocated arm in a minimum matter, the whole room cringed. If you didn’t flex your left arm back and forth a few times while watching Rondo steal the ball with his left hand (ouch!!), then go in for the uncontested layup.
If the Heat plan on killing the Celitcs, it’s gonna take more than D-Wade deliberately tackling our smallest player. Our smallest player may be aloof at times, but this 171 pound kid has a 70 pound heart.
Amidst all the Rondo rowdiness, KG showed why he’s called the Big Ticket. This is the best I’ve seen Garnett play since the 2nd Bush administration. 18 rebounds was impressive along with the points, but his attacking style was fun to watch. He actually backed Bosh down instead of fading away. He FINALLY got to the line (only once) after not shooting a free-throw the whole series.
The Heat are gonna need more than a fork to stick this Celtics team. I have no idea if Rondo can even play the rest of the playoffs, but the Big 3 ain’t going out like that, DWade, you punk ass BITCH!
Beware, the picture below is not Mother’s Day material.
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