 Bush enjoys not being president in the rape capital of India Officials in the Indian tourism industry are becoming increasingly alarmed at the situation going on in the city of Goa, a popular tourist destination. Recently, the hotspot has becoming a "haven for sex and drugs," which you would think sounds like the greatest place on Earth, like Amsterdam with sitars. The tourism bureau is trying to save face, insisting that the city is still a place for family vacations. However, Goa was dubbed "The rape capital of India," which probably won't make it onto the travel brochures. Regardless, NewsBot3000 proposes that the Mindwafers staff take a long deserved Spring Break in Goa, in order to get away from the daily drudgery of being annoyed at nearly everything in mass society. Once again, it's a haven for sex and drugs, and we all know everyone loves that. Generated By: NewsBot3000
Here's a really interesting article about the behind the scenes world of naming wars. If you thought Operating Enduring Freedom was a quick toss-off thought up while a White House staffer was taking a shit, think again. There's a very complex system of trying to project the correct image of whatever crock of shit we're trying to do now. Maybe they should call Afghanistan "Operation Bankrupt the Nation" The best name? Operation Beaver Cage from the Vietnam era. Not very intimidating is it? The Viet Cong reportedly responded with Operation Scorned Llama. -Fostah
 Scott Brown: A true DILF I'm happy to report that it's all smiles in the Pilf family these days. Once in a great while an event occurs that is so significant to human culture that we have to take a step back and realize that things will never be the same again; The birth of Jesus, the fall of the Roman Empire, the advent of American democracy and the creation of Fox News, these things changed our perceptions and our history in incomparable ways. Now we can add a new notch on the list: The victory of Scott Brown in the January 19th special election out of Massachusetts, the state equivalent of that annoying vegan guy who lectures you outside of KFC. Brown's victory over Martha Coakley, a horrid woman who would tax her own grandmother into bankruptcy if she could, served as a wake-up call to the democratic party. No more will people deal with big government cozying up to big business. No more will we watch our tax money be flushed away into useless programs that pervert our nation's greatness. The message is loud and clear: Obama, we don't like you or your jive talkin'.
Google the words 'Goldman' and 'Sachs' and it would appear that the financial giant is kind of like a parasitic version of Forrest Gump. They've been there through all of our countries ups and (especially) downs, feeding off of our tax money along the way, only to make themselves more powerful. Sachs is one of the only companies that actually gained off the recent recession and even TURNED DOWN funds from the government, only to take them anyway (what the hell, right?). Now it looks as though Goldman has had enough of the USA. We're running out of money to give them anyway. It turns out that Greece's recent financial turmoil stems from efforts back in 2001 to hide the extreme amount of debt that the country was in. Truthfully, I don't know how they did it, as I'm not a financial expert and it seems very complex. But I'm pretty sure it involved a mattress, a dank basement and a Vietnamese bookie named Saigon Sai. The point is: How come Goldman Sachs hasn't been scrutinized when their name is connected with every recession, depression, bubble, brunch and bar mitzvah gone wrong? The subject of financial regulation keeps getting brought up, which is all well and good, but about targeting this regulation at Goldman. Why should an entire industry have to suffer because of the misdeeds of one (although monstrous) firm? hmmm, maybe it's the $900,000 pledged to Obama's campaign. Nah, I'm sure it's just luck. -B.James
A Special Report by Mike
The other night Stephen Colbert had this walking/talking douche bag named John Durant on the show, who claims that people are happiest and healthiest when eating the foods our ancestors lived off in the days of the hunter-gatherer. Ahh yes - no shelter, no agriculture, constantly on the move, chasing down animals while being scared to death of them killing you, no sense of community whatsoever - the good ole days! When Colbert replied, "But didn't the average person die at like 30 back then?", Durant's response, and I quote,
"That is one of the biggest misconceptions out there. So many children died young back then, but once you made it past 1 or 2, people lived long normal lives into their 80's just like we do."
Sure, Mikey Hicks might seem like a sweet looking boy, with his adorable little Boy Scout outfit, adorable little glasses and his adorable little snub nose. How couldn't you love him? He's adorably little. But check under that Boy Scout uniform, go ahead. Here you'll find an adorable little fertilizer bomb, destined for flight 493 out of Detroit.
Those terrorists will stop at nothing, now recruiting sweet (and white!) Mikey Hicks to fulfill the wishes of a vengeful Allah.
Either that, or lil Mikey shares the same name of someone that we're supposed to be watching. I guess. The Department of Homeland Security doesn't know, so why should I?
Since the age of 2, Mikey has been stopped and searched on most of his frequent trips on airplanes. Apparently another American man named Michael Hicks was on the government's terrorist watch list and our fine loyal citizens, unable to show any sense of nuance or logic, began frisking a two year old, like a catholic priest's version of Supermarket Sweep.
The idea of a child being an agent of terrorist forces reminds me of this classic propaganda film: Generated By: NewsBot3000
The other white meat really gets no respect when compared to the beef or the chicken, but now, pork can stand tall and erect; according to Argentina's MILFy, sex-loving President, she substituted some pork for Viagra while trysting with her husband, and the results were delicious, juicy and fantastic. Apparently pork can not only lead to heart disease and high cholestrol, but it can lead to an improved sex life. In other news, pork fried rice orgies have skyrocketed 10,000% in the last twenty minutes. -Reece
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