Well folks this is it. We started on March 1st with 64 competitors and after a long and artery clogging road, we have finally arrived at the Flabby Four. The staff here at Mindwafers has had a lot of fun breaking down the matchups and watching to see how you all will vote. Sure we may have had our differences along the way, but if you're willing to put those behind us for the sake of crowing the ultimate champion of tasty goodness, then so are we. Without further adieu, ladies and gentlemen, your Flabby Four:
Fast Food Region: (7)Wendy's
Defeated in Sloppy 16: (1)McDonalds, (3)KFC, (13)Chipotle
Signature Items: Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, Frosty, Spicy Chicken Sandwich
Mascot: Ginger chick with pigtails
The Skinny: Do you believe in miracles? Not since the ladder match for the WWE tag team title between the Hardy Boys, The Dudley Boys, and Edge/Christian has there been a more exciting 3-way battle for ultimate glory. When it was all said and done, juggernauts McDonalds and KFC were smashed right through the pre-cracked folding tables and the team of Dave Thomas and his tasty little daughter Wendy were the ones left standing. You've showed your love for Wendy's over all other Fast Food joints – will you take them all the way to the title?
Pizza Region: (3)Papa Gino's
Defeated in Sloppy 16: (1)Bertucci's, (4)Uno's, (7)Pizza Hut
Signature Items: Paparoni, The Works
Mascot: Stereotype of Italian pizza maker
The Skinny: With the majority of voters residing on the east coast, it was going to come down to Bertuccis and Papas, and our voters went for the flavor over the fancy. You don't need a girl wearing a man's dress shirt and tie telling you about the tortillini special – no, not our readers. Give you a checkered table or a cardboard box with recycled napkins and a bathroom that looks like the basement in the Saw movies and your happy as a pig in shit – and that's why we love you. Does the Papa have what it takes to be the last short and hairy man standing? Only you can decide
Snack Food Region: (1)Dorito's
Defeated in Sloppy 16: (3)Cape Cod Chips, (4)Cheeze-Its, (10)Pringles
Signature Items: Nacho Cheese, Cool Ranch
Mascot: High college kids with orange fingers
The Skinny: One of the great dynasties of our time, Dorito's is making it's second straight trip to the Flabby Four. It was not an easy road for Dorito's coming out of what arguably was the most stacked region in the tournament, barely escaping a hard fought battle with Oreo's in the 2nd round. While Dorito's can't fill you up alone like the rest of these competitors, they do have the distinct advantage of being the only choice which is edible the day after you purchase it. And that has to count for something.
Chain Restaurant Region: (10)99 Restaurant
Defeated in Sloppy 16: (1)Yardhouse, (5)Texas Roadhouse, (14)Hooters
Signature Items: Boneless buffalo wings, Blockbuster beers, free popcorn
Mascot: A Horseshoe that has nothing to do with the number 99 or anything in the restaurant
The Skinny: Apparently our readers have never been to a Yard House – but that's OK, we love you guys anyway. After the world's largest selection of draft beer though, we think the 99 is a fine choice to represent chain restaurants everywhere. It's cheap, it's pretty good, and most importantly you can wear whatever the hell you want and be surrounded by good people. That's what the local chain restaurant should be – but should the 99 become the ultimate champion of March Fatness? Only you can decide!
Johhny ‘The King” Crab will once again give you an objective stance on the Snacks Region where the winner will be part of the Flabby 4. As we saw in the previous round, The King is well versed on all snack foods the industry has to offer. (1) Doritos  With a tougher than anticipated battle in the 2nd round against Oreo’s, Doritos slightly edged their cookie competitor for the win. The triangle corn chip, with many explosive flavors, has the opportunity to do what no other snack food has done before, re-peat as the national March Fatness Champion; however, to get back to the Flabby Four, Doritos faces their toughest battle against 3 other formidable opponents.
(4) Cheez-it  It came down to the last day, where Cheez-it took the lead and never looked back against an equally competitive snack food, Cheetos. Some would say that the Cheez-it was not deserving of their #4 seeding in the snacks region, but they’ve managed to prove everyone wrong by making it this far. Very simple, yet unique in its own way, households everywhere, for example our good friend Jeff Diprimio (part owner of primiotickets (www.primiotickets.com)), are addicted to this simple square treat and have, at all times, at least a couple boxes of the Cheez-it on hand. Do they have enough to make it to the Flabby 4?
(3) Cape Cod Chips  Was there any doubt that Cape Cod Chips weren’t going to make it to the Sloppy 16? There wasn’t a doubt in this world. After annihilating their first 2 opponents, Cape Cod Chips have an opportunity to represent Massachusetts in the Flabby 4. The state hasn’t been this excited since John Calipari created a team of immigrants, broke 15 NCAA rules, and took the 1996 UMASS College Basketball team, which included Marcus Camby, to the Final Four. Cape Cod Chips has coasted through and now needs to turn it on if they want to be the representative of the Snack Food Region in the Flabby 4.
(10) Pringles  With the lone upset in the 2nd round, Pringles handily took down the much overrated Tostitos & Salsa. As a 10 seed, there weren’t too many people confident that Pringles would make it this far, but they’ve managed to prove the majority of the snack world wrong. With a crunchy bite in every baked chip, we’ve all, at one time, taken down a whole canister of Pringles at one sitting. If you’re shaking your head no, then you’re lying to yourself or you’re not part of the elite class of snack food eaters. Babies everywhere are addicted to the salty, crunchy goodness. Will their Cinderella Story continue or will it end here? You have the power to make the decision.
It's a repeat! Doritos, the lone representative from last year's battle, will return to powdered cheesy dominance and wins the Snacks region for the 2nd year in a row!
The final vote from the pizza bracket will be brought to you by Mike, definitely a pizza connoisseur, it's unusual to see an entire weekend go by without him grabbing a slice somewhere. Due to his love for the real American pie, Mike is feeling the pressure as he holds this tremendous responsibility to guide you the voter toward the best choice to represent all chain pizzas in the Flabby Four. (7) Pizza Hut  In a shocking and slightly embarrassing result, Pizza Hut was able to defeat gourmet pizza giant California Pizza Kitchen. Call it your typical east coast bias, but I believe Reece made this happen by playing the Book-It card. It’s the same reason most Americans would rather have the individually packaged orange cheese slices than a bread bowl full of oven baked brie. We always have a special place in our hearts and on our pallets for the things we grew up with. As much as I love CPK’s wild and different options, there really is just something special about that little cast iron individual pan pizza with the mini spatula. The crust is buttery and crispy while the pan keeps the cheese warm and gooey. Something has to be said for the all-you-can-eat lunch buffet as well, and while you won’t find the individual pan pizzas there, you will find their “dessert pizza” creations which make it worth your while. You can only eat so many $5 footlongs.
(4) Uno's  In another result I was not a huge fan of, Uno’s Chicago Deep Dish pizza took down the new and improved Dominos to advance to the Sloppy Sixteen. Not that I think the “new” Domino’s is anything spectacular, but in my opinion Uno’s is just terrible. I’m a proponent of the pizza/sex theory where even when it’s bad you’ll still take it, but I can honestly say I’ve never left Uno’s without regretting my decision to eat there. They call it deep dish; I call it under-cooked pizza with too much dough. When you take a bite and can’t tell if the substance in your mouth is cheese, sauce, or gooey dough, you have a problem. It’s almost like one day a guy was about to make a calzone and just said fuck it and threw everything into a pot to see what would happen. Take half that dough and stretch it over the top like a real pie, and you might have something there Uno. Until then, I’ll be throwing the “reverse direction” card every time I come near the entrance of one of these places. (And if you didn’t get that joke you had a deprived childhood by the way)
(1) Bertucci's  Bertucci’s on the other hand is a fine establishment and a Boston tradition. I can remember going there as a kid and thinking to myself, “Awesome, we’re getting the good pizza tonight”. Later as a high school and college student, I would eat there often as you could simply order a cheese pizza and gorge yourself on endless bowls of salad and enough rolls to feed an African village. It was around that time that Bertucci’s tried to class it up a notch, most likely with a mindset of “Hey, if the Olive Garden can do it, so can we”. This development was huge for 18-24 year old males, who could now take a date there and still enjoy the same salad/roll gimmick keeping the check under $30, all while tricking the girl into thinking you took her to a nice Italian restaurant. And although the menu now offers dishes like filet mignon and veal parmagina, you can still order up the old favorites like the Sporkie, the Nolio, and the Silano fired up in that beautiful brick oven. I’ll always have a special place in my heart for Bertucci’s and think they would make a fine choice as your champion of the Pizza bracket.
(3) Papa Gino's  But to me, the true test of any pizza joint is the pepperoni pie. You can make Styrofoam taste good if you cover it with buffalo sauce and bleu cheese, but there is no hiding your crust, sauce, and cheese when that is all there is hanging out there. Pepperoni is also the king of all pizza toppings and will give you an insight into the quality and quantity of toppings used. For my money, you can’t get a better pepperoni pizza from a chain than Papa Ginos. You might notice that it’s a bit more expensive than its competitors, but just like most other things in life you get what you pay for. How good could the ingredients be if you can afford to sell a large 2-topping pizza for $5.99? The crust on a Papa Ginos pie is considered thin crust, but there is much more substance to it than your usual thin crust pies that come out more like crackers with sauce and cheese on top. The Papa has perfected the pizza crust, but might have outdone himself with the sauce. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I could eat the Papa Ginos sauce like soup. Some place's sauce is so awful it makes the pizza completely inedible. The Papa’s sauce on the other hand has me polishing off an entire large by myself because I can’t get enough of it. I’ve noticed an attempt by the Papa to upscale his joints recently, ditching the checkered tables for a more “Panera-like” feel inside, which normally I would take points away for, but as long as they keep making the pizza the same way they can make the booths as fancy as they want. I am giving my full endorsement to Papa Ginos and will be rooting for them to advance to the 2nd annual Flabby Four.
The local favorite Papa Gino, father of the pizza pie, has won the Pizza region with a whopping 60% of the vote! Mama mia - that's a great'a pizza pie
Who is moving on to the Flabby Four? The Sloppy Sixteen has arrived and your pudgy boy Reece is here to break down the final remaining players in the Fast Food region. Having survived the chest pains and gastrointestinal discomfort that comes with a late night trip to each of our remaining Fast Food’ers, Reece will let you know that out of all these tasty beef and chicken joints, which will move to represent their brethren in the Flabby Four?
A little something for everybody on this trip into the Fast Food region for the Sloppy Sixteen. The powerhouse McDonald’s, universally known (they just opened a drive-through on Jupiter I believe) and universally loved with over 1 trillion cows slaughtered by the hands of Ronald McDonald. The burrito factory Chipotle has ruined pairs of pants from Allston to Exeter, and Wendy’s with a little late night sumpthin-sumpthin for everybody. And KFC – the Colonel leading his troops into battles with artillery of 11 herbs and spices. These behemoths of fast food have been bloating bellies and crushing digestive systems for, collectively, over one hundred years. But who has the greasiest food wrapper to rule them all?
Wendy's  Sometimes the red headed step child to the big guns Mickey Dees and BK, and literally the red headed namesake of David Thomas’ loins, Wendy’s has made significant strides in the past few years to not only be on the outside looking in, but to challenge and usurp the throne. Wendy has revolutionized the nugget game, and their selection of chicken sandwiches dominates what BK and McDonald’s offer the consumer. And their dedication to feed the overweight and impaired with their late night hours is nothing short of heroic. While the other drive-throughs have joined in, it was once that only Wendy’s was available when it was 2am, you were high as balls, and so hungry you were considering eating your steering wheel. That’s gotta count for something.
KFC  Wendy's may have the top bird at the burger joints, but KFC’s chicken is heads, tails, giblets, and that little hanging thing under the chicken’s mouth, above the rest. Their creation of popcorn chicken, tiny balls of fried chicken you could shovel like breaded M&Ms, was a game changing moment. The Colonel’s annexation of all lesser competitors: Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, A&W Root Beer, and Long John Silver’s – was purely American. If you can’t beat em, buy em out. That military strategy, with the Colonel leading the charge, makes me think that regardless of the outcome of this tourney, KFC won’t be going down without a finger-lickin’ fight.
Chipotle  The lone foreigner in this fast food fight, Chipotle has defeated such icons like its Mexican brother Taco Bell and Panera Bread. Now, in the fight of its life, Chipotle has one secret weapon that these other joints just don’t have access to (well, also explosive diarrhea): hot sauce. Chipotle is able to unleash perhaps the greatest new condiments of the 21st century – the hot sauce. Hot sauce is now everywhere. People love the hot stuff. It is showing up on mac and cheese, burgers, fried eggs; hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are psychos out there developing hot sauce ice cream. Chipotle and its powerful burritos, wrapped thick in foil like torpedo shells, pack a wallop of tasty beef and sizzling fire. If that’s what you’re into, Chipotle might just take this whole damn thing home.
McDonald's  But can anyone stop the McDonald’s onslaught? Many have tried and failed. Morgan Spurlock. Corporate Accountability International. Even this piece of shit art student from New York. But nobody can stop the clown. Ronald McDonald has been warming hearts and warming toilets since the stone age of the Fast Food era. It is not outrageous to stay that no one of these competitors would be here in this capacity without the clown. Like Edison, like Henry Ford, like Al Gore…Ronald is an icon for something much more than just cheap burgers and fries. It’s the familiar golden arches that greet you at every highway on and off ramp, like welcoming arms to break up your road trip. Its plastic toys from whatever movie of the minute is hot right now in Happy Meals built by children in countries with twelve vowels in the name. It’s a corporate structure that says, “Minimum wage? We’ll show you minimum wage!” McDonald’s is in our blood, in the clogged arteries and weakening vessels of every American folk that’s ever grilled a burger, salted a fry, or blended milk and ice cream with their home blender. There’s a clown heart in all of us.
Do you believe in miracles? The impossible has happened - Wendy's has dethroned the king of fast food and won the popular vote to take the Fast Food region! Freckled red headed girls everywhere - rejoice! Your day has arrived!
With his fingers still greasy from the Pizza region last week, Big Sus returns to give you an overview of the 2nd round of the Chain Restaurant region. After consuming enough food during the 1st round to feed the entire country of Bhutan, Sus swore that he was out of the game. With a massively distended stomach threatening to cause a half-digested tsumani throughout the streets, Sus thought it best to hang it up and enjoy the quiet life. However, Mr. Mindwafer convinced Sus to come back for one last score before the jersey is retired. Sus, having grown up around chain restaurants and, at one point in his life, being forced to live in the kitchen of a New Hampshire area Red Lobster, knew that he was up to the challenge. (1) Yardhouse Vs (8) Chili's  I'll be totally up front about this: I have never eaten at the Yardhouse. Furthermore, I had never even heard of the Yardhouse before this tournament. But after hearing about the massive selection of beers and seeing how good the food looked I became enraged at the injustice that there isn't a Yardhouse near me. Much like an infant, I smashed bottles of tomato sauce on the floor while screaming that "God hates me!" After calming down, I checked out the website and noticed that a Yardhouse will be coming to Boston soon. This taught me that, to get what you want, you should cry and smash things.
 I may not have eaten at the Yardhouse but I can be damn sure that it's a whole lot better than Chili's. Athough, eating 4 year old ice cream off of a dog food factory floor sounds more appetizing than Chili's, just to put it in perspective. Chili's is part of the "I dare you to eat that" club, where they serve food that contains an entire day's worth of calories into a single meal, such as the jalapeno ranch burger, which rings up at over 2,000 calories and over 100 grams of fat! I wouldn't doubt that, in a few years, it will get to the point where these places will simply stick a suction tube into your stomach while you suck your own body fat into your mouth. Now that I think of it, that's a pretty sustainable system. For the sake of America's health and the threat that our enormous weight will tear a hole in space-time, please don't let them win! Not that I have any biases.
The Yardhouse goes yard and wins with 68% of the vote! They are heading onto the Sloppy Sixteen!
Johhny “The King” Crab will portray his diversity by bringing you round 2 of the Snack Food region. The King has been known to dabble a little bit in addictive drug known on the streets as snack food. It has come to Mindwafers attention, through a rumor that has been floating around, that he survived a year on snack foods and snack foods only. Unlike the man who lost weight by only eating potatoes for 2 months, The King repulsively maxed out at 400 pounds of 100% pure body fat, which is an achievement peasants can only dream about. Is there any truth to this rumor? You be the judge… (1) Doritos vs (8) Oreos  With a predictable destruction of Funions in round 1, Doritos has a much more formidable opponent in the second round of the snacks region. Going head-to-head with the Oreos, who is coming off an impressive win against M&M, should be an interesting second round battle. The seasoned tortilla chip, created in 1964, is now made by a company who specializes in soda. No, not Coke, but Pepsi Company owns the rights to Frito Lays who creates the delicious tortilla treat. In the past 2 decades, there has been a roll-out of many different flavors including “Doritos Collision,” which consisted of 2 different flavors in the same bag, for example Hot Wings & Blue Cheese. Is there a better combination of flavors to satisfy the snack food craving? In 2008, they also introduced a mystery flavor related to their soda line. What was the mystery flavor you ask? The flavor was Mountain Dew, which, in my opinion, is almost as good as perky jerky.
Round 2 of the delicious pizza region will be brought you by a man whose greasy mustache needs no introduction – Reece. Reece has had a love affair with pizza since his days in utero when his doctor would inject gobs of mozzarella into his mother along with pre-natal vitamins. Reece has never met a pie he didn’t eat and his recently broken bathroom scale will confirm that. Of the remaining 8 pizza joints left, he will lay on a thick layer of sauce and cheese and give you the straight dough on who should be advancing to the Sloppy Sixteen. (2) California Pizza Kitchen vs (7) Pizza Hut
 I was all ready to bash the hippies that created California Pizza Kitchen - I just pictured a couple of stoned dingleberries just leaving a yoga studio and cryin about all the commercialized pizzas mannnn, and we should open our own pizza stand, mannnn - but as it turns out, two lawyers were actually the founders of California Pizza Kitchen. How about that. But it didn't take them long to sell out and PepsiCo bought the pizza chain in 1992 to the tune of $100 million. So all those crunchie, nontraditional pizzas with green ingredients and wacky, innovative styles are not being thought up by dudes on weed in a smoky basement. It's all marketing teams and ad councils. Sorry to burst your bubble. Why am I telling you this? Because California Pizza Kitchen is fuckin weird in my book. Avocados and caramelized pears and Thai chicken and Japanese eggplant? What are we doing here, making pizzas or filming Iron Chef? Save that shit for Gordon Ramsey. I like my pies with cheese, sauce and dough. I don’t need it to look like it belongs on a square plate at Capital Grille for $800.
 As for the Hut - it will always have a special place in my heart because of Book It. You remember Book It, don't you? That elementary school program where if you read a book, and presented your Book It button at Pizza Hut, they gave you a free personal pizza all to your face just for being able to read. If that's not incentive enough for kids to pick up a copy of Curious George and Maniac Magee, I don't know what is. Read a book, get a pizza? It's sheer brilliance. It totally worked on me, I'm not even ashamed to say I was snookered by the Hut. I used to read like a fiend back in the day just so I could run downstairs and be like, "Mom, Dad, just bagged another Encyclopedia Brown - start the car, we're going to Pizza Hut." I take full responsible for reading so many books and eating so much pizza that I believe I put all the local Pizza Huts in the Merrimack Valley out of business in the late 80s-early 90s. That's my bad. But it did help me read at a 5th grade comprehension when I was only in 2nd grade. Who's the fool now?
The Hut crushes the hippies with over 70% of the vote!
The Fast Food Bracket rolls on (pun intended) with Mike. After a few major upsets in Round 1, these 8 grease filled options are just one victory away from a spot in the Sloppy 16. After the defeat of his beloved Taco Bell, Mike will try to sway you in a particular direction even harder this time, but remember - it's you that decides the winner. (1)McDonalds vs. (8)Subway  In the closest first round matchup of all, Subway and Quiznos officially ended dead even at 50/50. In order to break the tie, we put one of each sub in the corners of the Mindwafers office, and released a cage full of rabid badgers to decide the winner. Unfortunately neither sandwich got touched but we do have 3 interns being treated for serious injuries. Best wishes for a speedy recovery guys! Anyway, we picked Subway based on the $5 footlong, and the fact that they have now also invested in a mini-pizza oven, basically eliminating any competitive advantage Quiznos once had. In the Fast Food region, consistency is the name of the game, and knowing that I can walk in and get more food than I need to fill me up for $5 is pretty nice. Subway might be the #1 choice for a lunch break because it’s cheap, it’s fast, and while you won’t drop 200lbs. from eating their sandwiches, at least you know you can do a hell of a lot better looking for healthy options at Subway than anywhere else.
 McDonalds put White Castle back in its rightful place with a big first round victory. Now we have in their second round opponent, the business that is currently their biggest competition in the real world. A value meal at McDonalds will cost you north of $5 these days, so they have no answer to the healthier, larger options at Subway that you can get for around the same price. What Subway has no answer for however, is that we all have little yellow M’s floating around in our bloodstream. It starts with a happy meal as a kid, then your first Big Mac, maybe a couple nuggets and a hot fudge sundae – and you’re hooked. Until they start opening up McMethadone clinics where you can get weaned off this stuff, we’re all junkies for life with a 100% chance of relapse, even if we were strong enough to quit. You may be able to hold off for a year, 5 years, 10 years or more – but you know at some point you will absolutely be faced with a scenario where you’re starving and the golden arches are your only option. So what you gonna do? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Mickey Dees kills Jared hard with 70% of the vote and will go onto the Sloppy Sixteen!
(12)Panera vs. (13)Chipotle Mexican Grill  In a tragic but predictable 12-5 upset, we saw Panera take down Boston Market in the first round last week. Apparently my reminders of how douchey the overall Panera experience is was not enough to sway the voters towards reasonably priced comfort food. In fact, I’m slightly convinced much of the Panera support was in spite of me. So this time around I would just like to mention how wonderful Panera is. There is literally no better place on earth to pay $12 for a soup/sandwich combo that won’t fill you up. So if you’re the kind of person who likes to eat before they go out to eat, Panera is the place for you! Sure it’s just as expensive as a real meal you could get at a sit-down restaurant, but part of the charm is the hipster behind the counter who gives you attitude when you try to order one of “Tuesday’s soups” on a Thursday. Atmosphere, great service, and great food – what else can you ask for?
 Chipotle Mexican Grill comes to the 2nd round after a huge upset over fellow “Mexican” joint Taco Bell. Apparently the readers would rather be eating actual animal meat and their voices have been heard. As sad as I was to see Taco Bell go down, it’s a lot like when a perennial powerhouse shows up thinking they are winning on name recognition alone, and then gets blindsided by a less talented team that just wants it more. It’s no secret that Chipotle has to try harder than Taco Bell, but obviously its working as the majority of you would rather run for their boarder when it comes to your taco and burrito needs. Either that or all the people who would have voted for Taco Bell were stuck in the bathroom and couldn’t get to a computer in time. Either way, if I’m paying $8 for a sandwich, I’m going with the one that weighs 4 lbs. over the .05 oz piece of chicken in-between a dinner roll. I’m sure Panera is better for my health, but I’d rather die young eating Chipotle than live forever eating at a place that considers an apple a side dish.
The people hath spoken (and flushed) - Chipotle wins with 51% of the vote!
(3)KFC vs. (11)Fuddruckers  Fuddruckers advances to round 2 after upsetting food court favorite Panda Express in round 1. Apparently having 2 Asian writers on staff hasn’t had the effect we were hoping for. How a 1 lb. slab of ground beef and a nacho cheese pump defeated Kung Pao chicken and crab rangoons, I will never understand – but that’s why they play the games! In addition to attempting to kill you via beef/cheese/bacon, Fuddruckers does actually spin up a pretty unbelievable milkshake. They run you a few dollars but I’m pretty sure it amounts to 12 gallons of melted ice cream in one glass so you’re definitely getting your money’s worth. It is also worth mentioning that Fuddruckers is the only member of the Fast Food region to serve beer and wine, so perhaps the combination of the cheese pump/old-school milkshakes/alcohol deserves more respect than I originally considered.
 KFC cruised over rip-off brand Popeye’s (who not only stole their concept, but then had to steal a name too) and should again have no problem advancing to the Sloppy 16. While they don’t offer beer and milkshakes, both of those items are pretty readily available elsewhere. I still don’t know another place on earth where I can get a bucket of fried chicken. I assume they are all over down south, but I think we all know that anything below Ohio doesn’t count. I still believe KFC is the favorite to win it all because of its combination of value and options. You go to McDonalds or BK; you know what you’re getting before you walk in the door. Every trip to KFC offers a chance at something different – and there has to be something said for that. The colonel adds variety to his secret blend of spices better than anyone else left in the Fast Food region.
The Colonel beats the Fudd and the 11 herbs and spices move on to the next round!
(2)Burger King vs. (7)Wendy's  After defeating fellow all-around burger joint Jack in the Box, The King enters the 2nd round with a little swagger. I think after the paper crowns, the first thing that comes to one’s mind upon hearing the letters BK is the Whopper. Of all the nationally recognized burger creations, the Whopper might be my favorite. I just like the combination of vegetables they use and it has always felt to me like the closest thing you can get to a restaurant burger from the Drive-thru. The one downfall is that cheese in not implied when ordering a whopper, and if you forget to say “with cheese”, sometimes they won’t even remind you. Which to me, is like making a pizza without the cheese – what’s the point? The other thing that rubs me the wrong way is that somehow adding cheese runs you an extra $13. What kind of cheese are they using? I swear adding cheese to a $1 Jr. Whopper makes it like $7.50. I never understood that.
 Wendy’s is coming off the destruction of Sonic by an over 90% majority vote, and for good reason. Wendy’s is just solid all around with their Classic single/double/triple, the Spicy Chicken sandwich, and the original $0.99 value menu. However Wendy’s has been lacking something all these years that has held them back from making a jump to the next level – and that is breakfast. This is where Burger King pulls away in this matchup as far as I am concerned, and I think anyone who has ever had the French toast sticks and hash browns at BK will agree with me. I love Wendy’s and always will, but to me it was a pretty close matchup on the lunch items and when you add in the afore mentioned treats with their great breakfast sandwiches like the croissanwich, it’s just too much to overcome. Sorry Dave Thomas’s ghost, I’m going with The King.
The King is dead! The red headed step child and her late night menu wins it with 60% of the vote!
Round 2 of the Pizza region will be posted tomorrow. Polls close for all second round voting on 3/18/11. Visit the March fatness page to stay up to date on the voting schedule and all the latest news.
Today is the final day of the March Fatness first round. If you have not had a chance to vote on any of the 32 matchups yet, you still have time! Is one of your favorites losing and you can't stand to watch? Make sure to spread the word to all your friends so your favorite foods can be represented in the finals! Here are some of the individual matchups which are still too close to call:
Finalizing the first round at Anchor with The Soggy Bloomin Onion AKA Chain Restaurant Region will be the debut for Mindwafers newly found world traveler and food enthusiast, Johnny “The King” Crab. The King has had an opportunity to try pretty much everything this world has to offer and is therefore more than qualified to bring you an objective stance on the Chain Restaurant Region. As proof of his eating credibility, our own Mike witnessed The King eat 4 different types of raw eggs at once, while pausing with a grin of delight as the pre-fetus stage spawn made it from his mouth down to his stomach. We’re pretty sure that a quail, salmon, smelt, and sea urchin are swimming around his stomach as we speak.For more about The King, see his bio in the “About Us” section. (6) PF Chang's vs. (11) Olive Garden  PF Chang’s is a dining experience where Chinese Food and material society come together to form a restaurant. They offer a type of food that can be categorized as “upscale” or “gourmet” Chinese, which is really an oxymoron. Seriously, gourmet Chinese? Do you believe those two words belong together? When I envision Chinese food in my brain, it’s; Orange Chicken at the Mall food court, Crab Rangoons at the local hole-in-the wall named something like Jade Palace, or Deep Fried Flounder with a side of Baby Clams in Oyster Sauce at any restaurant in China Town. Not, “gourmet Chinese.” I do have to say, when their lettuce wraps first touched my tongue, I was hooked. In fact, Mindwafer’s own, Mike, worked at P.F. Chang’s in Hawaii, and the first thing I told him to get me when I arrived to visit, was an order of lettuce wraps. True story…
 Does anyone know anything else about Olive Garden other than the fact that they have an all you can eat salad bar and breadsticks and specialize in Italian-American cuisine? Are people really basing their dining experience on all you can eat salad and bread?! If so, I really think Olive Garden lovers need to re-evaluate not only their dining experience priorities, but also their life. All you can eat salad and bread? Come on now.
PF Chang wins by a fortune cookie with 51% of the vote and barely escapes to Round 2!
(3) Ruth's Chris vs. (14) Hooters  A place where people dine to feel somewhat important in today’s society and to get a glimpse of the financially carefree lifestyle, Ruth's Chris offers a wide variety of unbelievable, aged, hand-cut steaks. For over $40 a slab, of course a-la-carte, it’s one of the best 20 oz., “melts in your mouth”, rib-eyes you will taste in your life. On top of the unbelievable meat, the service is 2nd to none; everything from valet parking when you arrive, napkin placed on our lap, cutting and feeding of steak, and in some cases, a post-meal HJ. I honestly think I saw a waiter pull out a bucket for someone to piss in so that person didn’t have to get up and walk to the bathroom. What more could you ask for from customer service? 3 hours later, the $200 dinner is literally flushed down the toilet.
 Is there a restaurant who’s brand is more recognized in the United States than Hooters? A place where young & horny teenage kids and old white collared perverts go to check out young girls in tight white tank-tops, petite shorts, and socks rolled up to their knees, while trying to eat oil soaked, overly breaded, and terribly seasoned chicken wings. Let’s be honest, is Hooters in this competition for their food or for their business model, which is to flaunt around big-breasted girls in order to get these 17 year old horn magnets and 45 year old perverts to fork over as much money as they can squeeze out of them. One of the downfalls to growing up was actually realizing that the girls that work at Hooters are not attractive whatsoever. Another astonishing thing to me is the amounts of families who attend Hooters as if it’s Chucky Cheese or Applebee’s. Are these parents who bring their young children serious with this? Do they not know where they’re taking their family? It’s always awkward to see a family seated in between the token 45 year old pervert by himself after work and the group of 8 teens. “Mommy, what are Hooters?” asks the 10 year old boy. That has to be an awkward conversation.
Tits beat meat with 60% of the vote and score a major upset! Let them titties fly!
(7) Legal Seafoods vs. (10) The 99  In my line of work, I do some traveling, and every time I leave the Northeast and have a conversation with someone about seafood, Legal Seafood is always brought up. The comments I have to endure, like, “it’s the best seafood” or “the lobster bisque was unbelievable” honestly makes me grind my teeth. I have to hold back with all my power to not immediately reply as if I have turrets. The corporate and commercial feel of the restaurant is just the beginning of why I hate the place. Well, to be honest, it’s the whole reason why I hate the place. When I eat seafood, I don’t want to have to wear khaki’s and a button down shirt. I want to have flip-flops, cargo shorts, and a t-shirt on. I want to be able to splatter lobster guts all over the person next to me without having to worry that I’ll have a lawsuit on my hands. In all honesty, the food is pretty descent; however, very over-priced and if you drive 5 miles in either direction, I guarantee you will find better seafood for half the price. Paying $3.50 for 1 oyster is highway robbery if you ask me.
 The 99 or “the nines” will always have a special place in my heart. A cross between Chili’s and Applebee’s, 99 started in 1953. I’m fully on board to admit that the 99 has fully mastered the art of creating a boneless buffalo wing, instead of the crap many restaurants offer, which ends up being a flat chicken finger dumped in buffalo sauce. It all started in 1998, when I was introduced to not only my friend’s hot older sister, who was serving us, but also the perfectly created masterpiece, which offers a perfect crunch to every buffalo glazed piece of chicken. The first bite was instantly followed by an explosion in my pants (the good kind). After that day, I have never been satisfied with a boneless buffalo wing ordered from any other restaurant. In recent news, I’ve found out that the 99 now offers bone-in Buffalo wings and have a $0.39 special on Thursday nights. It’s tough to beat that.
Your classic 7-10 upset special - The 99 wins it with a whopping 70% of the vote!
(2)Cheesecake Factory vs. (15)Friendly's  Founded in 1978 with 149 restaurants country-wide, The Cheesecake Factory serves many different types of food with their expertise in, and you guessed it, cheesecake. Due to the large portion sizes, the Cheesecake factory has been nicknamed, “The Worst Family Restaurant in America.” To put it bluntly, a single order would be enough to feed a family of 25 in Haiti. Something you may not know about The Cheesecake Factory, they are now involved in the funding of terrorist organizations. Earlier this year, the company agreed on a deal with the Kuwaiti AlShaya Group and has expanded into Kuwait. According to unnamed sources, it was identified that the agreement requires 75% of the profits to be funneled into an unidentified terrorist group along with the delivery of 1,000 cheesecakes to the cave of Osama Bin Laden. I wonder if he has refrigeration. In any event, the food is okay; however, the cheesecakes are really where it’s at. With 50 to choose from, any cheesecake they offer will satisfy your desire to make love with a desert that’s number one ingredient is cream cheese.
 How can you not love a restaurant where you can get a big beef burger between two hot grilled cheese sandwiches (Grilled Cheese Burger Melt) and then end your meal with a Happy Ending? I think the better question is why aren’t all restaurants offering Happy Endings post-meal? Still early in my professional career, to this day, I can still say that working at Friendly’s as a young kid in high school was still the best job I’ve ever had. Walking into work Sunday morning and taste testing every ice cream flavor really gave me something to look forward to. If you only knew some of the things that went on in that restaurant would make you never want to eat there again, but how many other chain restaurants that others have worked at would be categorized under this statement? My guess would be all of them! Think about what could potentially be going on in the back the next time you walk into a chain restaurant
to dine. Bon appetite!
Friendly's scores the massive upset and shocks the world with 55% of the vote! Happy Endings (sundaes and HJs) for all!
The first round of March Fatness has been completed and polls will be up through Midnight tomorrow.
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