So far, it's been a disastrous start for the democratic congress in trying to reverse the disastrous Supreme Court decision made earlier this year. To recap, the decision made it legal for corporations to create ads supporting a political candidate because, apparently, our political system isn't corrupt enough already. As a result, let's say that a monster like BP gives Mr.Senator a few million as a present for their campaign. Following this nice gesture, BP can then create an ad on any platform, urging voters to vote for the same Mr. Senator. Messed up? You bet. This system makes it almost impossible not to be taken advantage of and makes a mockery of our entire voting system.
      A bill was thrown around over the past couple of months with the purpose of overturning, or at least providing some accountability to this bribery-prone system. It seemed okay at first, with the bill requiring corporations and other entities to reveal who was behind the ads, so that the public would know who's peddling the bullshit into their mouths. But as the weeks went on, you better believe that there were some compromises. As it stands, the NRA has gotten an exemption to the rule because of the size and scope of their organization. Of course, democrats felt the heat from progressives, who rightfully called this a sellout to industry groups. 
     Rather than scrap the NRA from the exception list, the democrats sought to balance things out, giving an additional exception to the Humane Society, a group that's traditionally a darling of the left. Soon after, groups such as the AARP also got an exception and now it's looking like the bill is getting to that usual level of industry-soaked pointlessness. Basically, everyone except Walmart got an exception and I'm sure they'll be asking for one next week. It's now become a system of who's deemed worthy enough of receiving a loophole, with the decision being made, no doubt, by how much money the groups have contributed to political campaigns, the very situation the bill was trying to combat. 
     Do you think there's a gene that prevents politicians from understanding irony? 


-B.James

It's a brand new week and a boatload of terrible and hilarious things have happened all across our wonderful planet. Luckily we are here to recap it for you. As Norm MacDonald might say, "And now, the fake news....."


-A 6-story statue of Jesus, nicknamed Touchdown Jesus for its arms spread open stance and ability to shake double coverage, was destroyed this week during a lightning storm. Touchdown Jesus greeted passerbys on Interstate 75 for years before a bolt of lightning during a powerful storm on Tuesday reduced the King of Kings to blackened steel and charred foam. Luckliy, Jumpshot Buddha will be filling in as the go-to exploitative holy monument until contractors can rebuild the fallen Gentile.

-A 50 year old American man was found in the woods of Pakistan, citing a "dream from God" that prompted him to fly halfway across the world to kill Osama Bin Laden. When he was found, he was armed with a pistol, a sword, and night vision goggles. Pakistan officials say once he clears a mental health exam he can go be sent back to the States to continue playing Pirates Of the Caribbean.

-Scientists are using Calvin Klein Obesssion For men to lure jaguars into conservation areas in order to monitor and study them. They first tried used Paris Hilton's H but unfortunately all it lured were jungle whores.

A common theme that I've tried to revisit over time is the consistent hypocrisy shown by Congress in regards to spending. This attitude permeates through both parties, as each have, for anyone paying, shown themselves to abandon their core beliefs when it comes to forking money over to an agenda. 
    No more is this evident than in the arena of defense spending, where about 54% of our tax money now goes, including $200 billion allocated only to Iraq and Afghanistan. That's more than half of what we generate given to military adventures that have had little impact on our everyday lives. Of course, the common rebuttal is that this whopping amount prevents another 9/11 occurring on our soil. And it's an airtight defense because it's something that can never be proven. As we all know, another 9/11 hasn't occurred. Is it because of the massive amount we give to the military? Well, maybe, who knows? There's no way to prove the causes and effects so most Americans don't really have a problem with the present levels of funding.
     But announce that our tax money will be used to provide healthcare or jobless assistance and there's no doubt there will be an uproar among conservatives, the rallying cry about our money being 'wasted' on these programs, even though additional healthcare goes toward saving the very same lives that we're supposedly saving by preventing another 9/11 from happening. Clearly it's time to end the madness.
     Politicians, both right and left, are generally afraid to oppose military funding for fear of being labeled 'anti-American' as we've seen countless times before, especially in the Karl Rove days. This attitude persists even though we've seen countless examples of the same government waste happening in the defense industry, including billions spent on missile defense systems that don't work and cash being pilfered by defense contractors in Iraq. But again, for some reason, the public doesn't seem to mind this kind of waste so much. Why is that? Is it our country's overwhelming military history, an almost uninterrupted millenium of constant war? Maybe we're just used to our country being at war and so personally removed from the wars on a daily basis that we don't have to worry about it. Honestly, I don't know the answer and it's probably a combination of different factors. But what I do know is that entirely too much money is spent on the war machine, so much that it makes continual war inevitable, with thousands of jobs at stake if we were to suddenly stop manufacturing all of these weapons.

Remember back in the golden days of 2002 when we swept into Afghanistan and took that shit over faster than a laundry cycle? The Taliban was gone and we all cheered about how the Afghan people would finally be free. Alas, a few short years later and, wouldn't you know it, the Taliban came back, stronger than ever. New members joined, sick of being bombed and their country's rubble turned into even finer rubble. The question remains, where did the Taliban go and how did they come back so strong? 
      It appears that the enablers of the Taliban turned out to be our own allies; that of Pakistan, who's secret service arm, the ISI, has quietly funded and supported the Taliban cause going back to the 70s, when the then US-supported Taliban fought against the invading Soviets. But surely after receiving billions in aid from the US, the ISI would change its tune, right? Wrong. A recent CIA report details the buddy-buddy relationship that still exists between Pakistan and the Taliban. In fact, the two are so intermingled with each other that ISI members are even included in the 15 member Taliban council.
      Just to refresh your memory, this is the same Pakistan that received $3 billion following 9/11 in order to 'fight terrorism' and has been getting steady dollops of money from us ever since. That's our tax money, the amount taken out of your check each week and that makes you weep at how little you're able to actually take home. Yeah, that money. 
     So, just to recap. A good chunk of our tax money is given to a country in order to fight a particular group of terrorists. But instead of fighting the terrorists, this country actually supports them with the very same tax money that we give. Kind of like us giving money to Columbia to fight drugs and having them spend it on 2 tons of coke instead.
     Now my question is, where's the anger? If we suddenly announced we were giving $3 billion to the inner city for development or the same amount to provide healthcare for the poor, we would hear no end to it. So why a lack of outrage in this situation, to a measure that's clearly hurting our country and making our military adventures abroad seem even more superfluous? Just asking.


-B.James

This week was, relatively speaking, a slow news week, as no new wars broke or new environmental disasters struck. These days, the best we can expect as that nothing new happens. Of course the BP oil spill saga continued covering our oceans to the point where it ceases to be shocking and the war in Afghnistan/Pakistan keeps painting the town read. Let's see what else happened:


-The US military brass in Afghanistan, now in the 'what the fuck do we do' mode, is finally settling on its usual solution; dealing with warlords. Here's a tip; read the history of any US involved invasion of the past 30 years and you'll notice a familiar pattern. To establish 'peace' we always become buddy buddy with the host country's local warlords. Of course the warlords are able to establish peace. They're also able to establish banning women from participating in society and able to establish a totalitarian state that will inevitably hate America and be fighting us again 20 years down the road. Here's to the great Afghani War of 2030.


-In (not so) lighter news, a New Jersey woman is dreaming the dream and trying to set a Guiness World Record. Is the record for balancing a plate the longest? Running the farthest? Nope. Donna Simpson of Old Bridge wants to become the fattest person in the world. And in Fat Country America, being the fattest is really saying something. Now weighing about 600 pounds, Simpson, with the support of her clearly insane husband, is vying for the title. One can't help but picture an 80s montage of Donna eating Krispy Kremes, watching Maury and doing a ten-set of remote control push-downs. Good luck Donna Simpson! Your kids will hate you forever.


-After setting even harsher sanctions on the Iranian government, including banning trade with Iranian shipping companies and defense contractors, an article revealed all the ways in which Iran is avoiding sanctions, essentially making the new law pointless. The plan involves Iran setting up shell companies under American sounding names, like Happy American Company, Freedom Inc. and Never Forget 9/11 Ltd. These companies fly under the radar and allows the Iranians to continue business as usual. The report shocked the international community, who began to be a bit leery of the opening of two new establishments opening around the world, named Muhkdawnalds and Buhrger Sultan.

Ever wonder why the Chinese immigrant who can barely speak english dominates every class while you're fighting both sleep and a pesky erection in the back of the room? It's a little something called work ethic, something that the Chinese have in droves, especially where it comes to education, where a college degree may be the only thing that saves a Chinese peasant from a life of back breaking labor. 
    Chinese students are getting ready for the nationwide college entrance exams this week, a test that causes so much anxiety in parents that they flock to the Confucian temple and leave stone tablets with engraving begging to let their kid pass the test. 
     Roads are blocked off during the days of the test to give the students a quiet atmosphere to study, while families often book hotel rooms for the weekend for the purpose of studying. About 70% of the test takers pass and are able to go on to a Chinese University, while the rich kids get to go to American University and escape completely.
     Since China instituted the 'one-child' policy, families have a smaller chance of their children attending college and subsequently leading a good life. This causes students to go to extremes at times. One students had a tiny listening device lodged inside his ear, which eventually caused a perforated eardrum. Another suffered serious burns when a  recording device, strapped to his chest, exploded during testing.
     Just imagine what these Chinese kids must think when they get here, seeing our college students wasting their days sucking on nitrous hits and drinking beer for breakfast. And we act surprised when we're told China is going to take us over in 50 years.

-Generated by NewsBot3000

Stamford, CT (AP) - A joint press conference scheduled later today by the World Wrestling Entertainment company and the White House will announce that this year's Wrestlemania, the standard in sports entertainment, will feature none other than 44th President Barack Hussein Obama headlining the main event. The announcement, coming just days after President Obama unleashed a tirade against the BP executives for causing the world's most deadly oil spill - highlighted by his promise to "kick some ass" - will put the world's free leader and the champion of democracy in the western world, versus seven-time defending WWE Champion John Cena.

"We could not be more excited to have President Obama headlining this year's Wrestlemania," said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. "Ever since he took off, he has dispalyed a fire and charisma that identifies with the common WWE fan. Beer summits, supporting the troops, Nobel peace prizes. And now, he is promising an ass kicking over this oil spill. Well, what better way o prove your a real ass kicker than to get in the squared circle in front of 50,000 fans?"

Obama has been increasingly erratic following the month long oil disaster, flying long hours to and from the Gulf Coast and trying to use his political influence to get the mess cleaned up. But as his influence has failed to stop more and more oil from flooding and effectively destroying parts of the southern Louisiana and Gulf Coast ecosystem, Obama has said enough is enough. In a promo cut by Obama leaked on WWE.com, Obama has promised to "kick some ass" and "take a steel chair to anyone who gets in his way in this oil cleanup." When pressed further, he knocked away a reporter from CNN with his patented Obama Boot, a finsihing move he has developed with Secret Service where he dropkicks his opponent in the groin, and while they are doubled over, leg drops their head into the floor. Obama left the CNN reporter devastated and diverted all follow up to his new ringside manager, Mr. Fuji.

Greetings, loyal Mindwaferists. This may be our last Weak in Review as the above undoctored photo shows, clearly we are headed for the end of the world.

Tropical Storm Agatha has finally subsided in Guatemala, leaving not only 150 dead, hundreds homeless and missing, but has produced one of the most clear-cut, "Holy Shit we are fucked" images of the just around the corner apocalypse. The floods follow volanic eruptions just 20 miles south of hardest hit Guatemala City. Guatemala officails have appealed to the world for aid, but international officials are wary to provide help to the country for fear it will just get wrecked in another natural disaster that will probably happen tomorrow.

In actually pretty fuckin sad news, the man long suspected of murdering US teen Natalee Holloway in Aruba 5 years was picked up in Chile on suspicion of another murder of a young woman. Piece of human scum Joran van der Sloot, who was held but never charged in the infamous Holloway murder-disappearance case, is the son of a prominent Dutch judge and no doubt probably had all the leeway Aruba could offer in getting him off scot-free from the Holloway case. He even admitted on hidden camera to disposing of Holloway's body (the confession was thrown out of court becuase Sloot argued he was high on marijuana - yes weed not only makes you crave Funions and pizza but also makes you lie about violent murders you totally didn't committ). Luckily, Chilean authorities couldn't fuck up this guy's 2nd murder even if they tried - he was caught on video entering a hotel with the 2nd victim around 5am, then leaving 4 hours later alone and trying to flee the country. At first you don't succeed, murder murder again. He's hoping he takes it up the Sloot in prison for a very, very long time.

In our weekly discouraging oil-spill update, a cap put in place by BP has collected some of the oil spilling into the Gulf; however some crude is still escaping. So to date we've had BP use a box, some mud, a dome,  detergant, industrial tubing, and now a cap. BP spokesperson MacGruber indicated if the cap doesn't work, they are willing to try a rubber band, a paper clip, and some tinfoil and see if that will work.

The BP oil spill is kind of like Madonna, it loves the spotlight. More depressing news surfaced when atmospheric researchers predicted that, in its current course, the oil spill will reach the Atlantic Ocean by summer as part of the oil spill's "Drill Baby, Drill" 2010 tour. The spill will only appear in a handful of coastal cities so be sure to get your tickets early; it's gonna be a gusher!


Not only is the food at McDonald's suspect, but the Happy Meal toys as well. McDonald's is pulling its Shrek-themed drinking glasses, citing poisonous cadmium being found in the glasses. McDonald's assured the public that they have pulled the glasses and said that other than the hamburgers and the fries, everything else at McDonalds's is safe to eat.