 Osama, standing in front of his 200 volume children's series, The Pious Kitty Osama's Journals Are Full of Poems About Puppies, Bombs Osama Bin Laden, who is still dead, left behind volumes of personal journals and flash drives full of information, which officials are pouring over like a middle-aged housewife devours a British royalty edition of US Weekly. What they've found so far is that Osama was much more in charge than they thought, according to Osama at least. Plans were found for many past failed bombing campaigns, as well as future ideas about the future of terrorism, with Osama sounding like Nostradamus with a vest full of explosives. The most provocative info concerned Osama's ideas on striking cities other than New York, particularly Los Angeles. Osama said that they should target trains and strike on an important day. Little did he know that LA has about as good a public transport system as a Somalian village. As for the 'important date' maybe he should have struck during the premiere of the next Anne Hathaway movie and done everyone a favor. But he would wrestle him to the ground with his bare hands. Texas Rep. Ron Paul said in a radio interview that, if he were president (if we could be so lucky), he would not have ordered Osama Bin Laden killed in Pakistan. Rather, Paul says that he would have coordinated with local police and have arrested the al qaeda leader, ensuring that he faced a civilian trial. Already out of the Republican mainstream, Paul went onto make some actual sense. He made the analogy that, if Osama were in London, it's unlikely that we would have ignored British police and conducted the raid on our own. Wow, a real good point. Honestly, I'm stunned that a Texas Republican just made the best point I've heard all year. And the American people will reward that critical analysis by not voting for Ron Paul and marginalizing him as a fringe hack. Because, after all, Newt Gingrich is...a guy who we're familiar with and Mitt Romney...yeah, we know his name too. While Ron Paul was killing it on the radio, the other Republicans did their usual sneak attack for their worthy cause of killing everything that's not them. Rep. Buck McKeon, submitted their version of the Defense Authorization Bill, which included a tiny, tiny little amendment that might be a tiny, tiny bit important. The amendment states that an "authorization of military force includes the authority to address the evolving threat posed by these groups." In human language, this means that the bill would hand over complete power to the president to fight terrorists, whoever they may be, in the name of The War On Terror. After learning that they can get whatever they want in the name of war, next year, Congress will introduce the War On Sting, which hopes to eliminate the threat of the musician Sting. Then the following year, they will release the War On Not Getting Blowjobs to tackle a serious problem among the barren wasteland that is an American Congressman's nether regions. We all kind of saw this one coming right? Symantec Corp says that third parties are "accidentally" getting user's information online throught the applications available on Facebook. That means that these companies now know that most Farmville users are lonely, boring compulsive masterbaters, who enjoy Sugarland and the movie Transformers. Is it still a violation of privacy if the privacy isn't interesting?
By Reece (email Reece)
Ever since Bin Laden's somewhat MILFy wife and his hipster looking son have been making headlines - boo hoo, our husband/father was shot in the head, woe is us - I have found the whole thing fishy. Especially Osama's son, Omar Bin Laden, who looks the DJ assasiin that tried to command Derek Zoolander to kill the prime minister of Malaysia by playing Frankie Says Relax. But it wasn't until the team of cracked journalists at Mindwafers uncovered his horrible secret that I truly saw the light.
Behold...
Omar Bin Laden IS Wayne Skylar from Channel's 5 Only Married News Team on the Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job!
That, or Christopher from The Sopranos with dredlocks.
Either way, nice try Al Queda. You're gonna have to get up pretty early to pull one on us again!
 Arrgghh, that disproportionate amount of yellow makes me angry Call me foolish but I thought we already left Iraq. Military officials are considering extending the August 2011 timeline for troops to leave Iraq because, hey, why ruin a good thing? As we all know, Iraqis are thrilled with having our military in their country and especially the love the sight of a multi-billion dollar military base occupying an area where they could put 1,000 schools, hospitals or at least a nice casino (Iraqis gotta gamble too).
Amazingly, another Wall Street titan was taken down, the second in a month period at a time where there are likely hundreds of others that got away. Raj Rajaratnum, a founder of the Gallon Group, a hedge fund that does things that I can't afford, was found guilty on 5 terms of conspiracy. The case derives from several shady deals that Rajaratnum took part, concerning insider trading from various technology firms. Lest you think that 'the Raj' is a scapegoat, you will be comforted to know that the firms he made deals with will be ignored and you will never hear about this case again. Sorry Raj, but we needed to make an example of someone. Your name doesn't help your case either.
An article in the BBC today asked the question, "Why are Americans so mad about oil prices?" The article pointed out that most European countries pay twice as much at the pump as Americans and our culture has thrived too long on 'scandalously cheap energy and big business.' So why are we so mad about gas prices? Because we're Americans and we get mad at things, that's what we're good at. We do wars, attack ads and WWE wrestling. You Europeans go ahead and do your sorbet and your waffles and...whatever else you're known for (I'm an American robot therefore I speak through an American filter). Why are we so mad, Europe? Why are you such pussies? American out.
 It's back to the single life for Arnold Since the death of Osama Bin Laden, there's been plenty of finger pointing going on, mostly from us to Pakistan, who we say harbored Bin Laden for the past few years. Pakistan, in return, has denied the allegations and, as a sign of good faith, outed one of our CIA agents in the process, just to be a dick. Luckily the CIA agent is hiding out in a suburban mansion bordered by barbed wire so it's unlikely that Pakistan will be able to find him. After the outing, the US punished Pakistan by only giving them $2 billion this year instead of the $8 billion that was promised. Take that Pakistan! Perennial hobknob Newt Gingrich decided to throw his hat in the ring, mainly because it looks like at this pace there will be no Republican challengers for the next presidential election. Gingrich is known for obsessing about a cum-stain on a dress while, at the same time, cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. This proved that Newt Gingrich himself was actually a cum-stain the entire time. Good luck Newt, I'll see you when the media is tearing those skeletons out of your closet. Former California Governor Arnold Swarzenegger is wishing that he could travel in time, as he finds himself separated from his wife, Maria Shriver. It always seemed strange that these two were together, as Shriver hails from the Kennedy family, a democratic dynasty if there ever was one. But it wasn't political disagreements that had anything to do with the split. Rather, Shriver decided to finally watch Last Action Hero and compared it to a snuff film before packing her things and burning her eyes with hydrochloric acid. Sad news for weed heads everywhere. Officials in Amsterdam, the weed smoking mecca of the world, are considering a law that would ban all visitors to the city from entering the infamous cannabis coffee shops. They would revert the coffee shops into private clubs, where membership could only be attained if you're a Netherlands resident. Angry activists planned to take to the streets to protest the potential law but soon realized there was a Dr. Who marathon on TV.
 Kobe considers his options after congress redefines what 'rape' actually means Obligatory Bin Laden Update
The news keeps flowing, although it's starting to look like we're getting to the scrapple at the bottom of the bucket. After more snooping into the operation that killed Osama, investigators are finding that it wasn't the Rambo-style firefight that they once thought. The new details rather indicate that the 20 Navy Seals were up against only a handful of people, most of whom weren't armed and some of whom were children. Yet, in the Seals defense, the children were feisty, Muslim and hopped up on Pepsi before the fight.
In other OBL news (and I can't believe we're calling him that now), Pakistan intelligence services are getting all types of shit from us. We just can't believe how Bin Laden could have been living miles away from a military complex in a wealthy suburb. How could they not see this coming? I mean, it's like as if there was this terrorist group who was planning to hijack a plane and there were all these warnings that it was going to happen and then...oh wait.
Even though last November's election was supposed to be a referendum on creating jobs and the republicans won a mandate, it seems that they've been spending most of their time obsessing about lady parts. A new bill passed by the House along party lines seeks to permanently end federal funding for abortions. It includes a tax hike for private insurers who choose to cover abortions (that's right, a tax raise). While Obama will probably veto the bill, House republicans have attached this bill to support on the debt ceiling vote, because abortion and debt ceilings are exactly alike.
But more importantly, the bill seeks to redefine what 'rape' actually means, since abortion is still allowed to be funded if rape were committed. The House wants to cease using the word 'rape' if sex happened under the following:
1) The woman said 'no' but did not physically struggle during sex
2) The woman was drugged
3) Adults impregnating minors
The House previously promised to take out the amendment redefining rape, but stuck it back in through a 'backdoor maneuver'. I'm sure they could have come up with a better way to word that.
So break out the Rohypnol boys, the doors are open! Thanks again GOP. The chart to the left, released by ThinkProgress, shows how large the income gap in the US has become over the past 30 years, trailing Pakistan and Ethiopia. But hey, at least we're beating Uganda so that's...something. It's not surprising that Sweden and Norway beat us out, they beat us in everything, but Ehiopia? Kazahkstan? The place where Borat is from? Hmm, wonder if there's any jobs in Ethiopia...
I've actually heard people say that Obama is giving the country away to the Muslims. Seriously, I've heard people say that. Would anyone trade their lives with a Muslim in American, especially now? Especially after hearing this story, probably not. An algebra teacher in Texas told a Muslim student in his class that 'you must be grieving' because of the Bin Laden death. The teacher then went on to say that OBL was the kid's uncle, before the student started crying. The teacher then wrote an equation on the board: 2X + 3 = you're a pussy.
 Will we finally see a Trump/Lawrence presidential ticket in 2012? Obligatory Bin Laden News
Once again, the Osama news train steams forward with these little tidbits of trivia. First, Native Americans are offended at the use of the codeword "Geronimo" used in the operation to kill Bin Laden. Tribal Chairman John Houser says his people shouldn't be equated with a murderer. Agreed. However, aren't there a million other things that Native Americans could be offended by, like every high school team in the country? Or how about how how we destroyed the Earth that they held sacred? All I'm saying is pick your battles man.
Also, President Obama decided not to release the Bin Laden death photos, a huge disappointment for our blood thirsty public. While we were all saddened by the news that we wouldn't be able to see a bloody corpse, Obama cheered us up with this uplifting news. For his reelection tour, Obama will travel around with a cleaned up and sunglasses-clad Osama Bin Laden as part of Obsama World Tour. Obama promises a wacky adventure and possibly even the appearance of Andrew McCarthy.
As the election season heats up, we were all dying to know; who is Joey Lawrence supporting in the presidential race? His endorsement is sought after more than any other figure in the country, outpowering Oprah, Warren Buffet and George Soros combined. History has shown that once a candidate gets the green light from Joey, he'll be headed to the White House. So who is he supporting? Donald Trump, whom Joey says will be a breath of fresh air. Yes, a breath of fresh, arrogant, pompous, shitty air. Lawrence says that Trump is a great businessman and the US is, pretty much a business. If that's the case, then we must be Ames.
John Ashcroft, the former Attorney General that famously had a naked boob on a statue covered with a piece of cloth, has a new job. He will be advising Xe Services, formerly known as Blackwater, on matters of ethics. If you remember, Ashcroft was a proponent of using torture tactics to get information following 9/11, so you know his ethics are sound. As for Xe, they didn't change their name for no reason. They've been accused of all kinds of rights violations while running wild in Afghanistan. So the pair should make a perfect fit, like the Batman and Robin of war crimes. Don't let that revolving door hit you on the way out!
I hope it's better than dick cheese. A grad school student in New York has accomplished the unthinkable. Combining the joys of boobs and eating cheese. Miriam Simun created three types of cheese made from three different types of breast milk, each woman having a unique diet. The best reviews went to Midtown Smoke, which was described as "creamy and pure heaven". That's what he said?
 Only YOU can save the nudists Obligatory Bin Laden Update It would be unAmerican to not start every post with an update of every piece of minutia related to Osama Bin Laden so here it is (although I'm sure if robots are required to pledge their allegiance to a country. I'll have to consult the Laws of Robotics on that one). The right wing is finally giving praise to the president after the assasination of Bin Laden...only not the current president. While Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney and their ilk did congratulate Obama, they did it the way a 6 year old is forced to thank his grandma for that ugly Christmas sweater. But they pepped right up when the subject switched to G.W., who they said 'laid the groundwork' for the operation, although it was reported that Bush closed the department responsible for hunting down Bin Laden in 2006. If we're giving credit for doing nothing than I guess I'm also responsible for bringing down Osama. And while we're at, I'm also responsible for overthrowing Egypt's government, creating the TV show Mad Men, creating the electric car and, let's go all the way, creating the heavens and Earth, time and space. That was sooo easy.
Oh yeah and that BS story about Osama using his wife as a human shield turned out to be completely false. Shocking. Also, it turns out that he wasn't armed during the operation which may create an image problem. Cue the effigy Muslim world! A batch of white substance was found in an envelope addressed to Senator Scott Brown's office today. No one knew where it came from but Brown's former camp counselor swore his innocence. When staffers entered Brown's room, they found the envelope open, with white substance strewn all around the office. When asked where it came from, Brown shrugged tiredly, remarking that he needed a beer, some Cheetos and a nap. BP, also known as Mother Nature's rapist, was forced to pay $25 million in fines because of an oil spill. Before you get outraged at the paltry sum, it helps to know that this has nothing to do with the Gulf spill last year, but rather another, more minor oil spill in Alaska. The spill was used as a testing ground for the Gulf spill, an exercise to carry out "Operation Fuck the Earth"(OFE). The fine represented 1/100000000000000000th of BP's quarterly profits. Alaskan regulators spent the rest of the day trying to squeeze water from rocks. Elderly nudists (picture that) are worried that their lifestyle will disappear if they don't get young people involved in being nudists. To try and entice young people to attend nudist resorts, they've instituted theme nights such "reverse strip poker night" which would appear to violate the whole reason for strip poker. Who ever thought we'd see the day when convincing us to see naked people would be so difficult. My advice? Hire strippers to hang around the resort. They're already used to it and it's more humane. Works for everybody, no?
 "Please don't cut my winky" Obama's Birth Certificate Not the Only Newsworthy Event In World
The news media had a field day with Obama's decision to finally show his birth certificate to the public, describing it as a 'bombshell'. Meanwhile, other things happened in the world, more specifically actual bombshells; many of them in fact. First off, an Afghan military officer killed 8 US servicemen by pretending to be...an Afghan military officer. That's right, it turns out that the baddies don't wear their "Terrorist" hats out in public. Sneaky devils. Also, a blast at a Moroccan cafe killed 14 people. Supposedly, the bomb was aimed toward tourists, who wanted strong coffee, but not THAT strong. And a roadside bomb hit a US naval bus in Karachi, killing 1 civilian and wounding 15 others, including naval employees. Officials say that the Taliban may have been involved, partly because of a similar bombing that happened on Tuesday, but also because the Taliban really hate the Village People. Finally, not to be outdone by the rest of the world, an explosion at a gas pipeline in the Sinai region of Egypt cut off gas supplies heading to Israel. This kind of gives new meaning to the Arab Spring. So just to recap, 4 bombings, 23 people killed, many more injured and we Americans are talking about how the American president was born in America. I'm just saying... The Chamber of Commerce, who has helped big business to fuck our country like John Holmes in his prime, says that it will fight to keep its client's shady financing a secret 'through all available means'. The issue stems from an attempt by President Obama to force the Chamber to disclose corporate funding for political races. Since the Citizen's United case last year, corporations are able to donate all the money they please toward advertisting toward candidates without disclosing who financed the ad. If Obama is successful, we would see brought to you by Exxon/Mobil at the end of a Joe Barton ad, for example, making the campaign season a little more honest. But you know what we think of honesty in American politics. Honesty is like the high school hall monitor that rats you out to the principal for smoking cigarettes in the bathroom. And big business smokes a LOT of cigarettes in the bathroom. By the way, 'through all available means' refers to the Chambers efforts to sabotage any organizations that seek to tell the truth about rotten multinationals. Why are the evil organizations always the most organized? The UN Security Council couldn't agree on a simple measure to condemn the recent actions in Syria, where protesters have been routinely beaten and, in some cases, killed for speaking out against the government. It's safe to say that if they can't even agree to wag a finger at Syria then the government's actions won't stop and they will continue to get away with suppressing their own people. But wait, news alert! Syria got something a lot worse than worldwide condemnation. It was announced today that the Syrian envoy will not be able to attend the royal wedding this week. I repeat, the Syrian envoy WILL NOT be able to attend the royal wedding in Britain. Some things are worse than death. Lloyd Schofield, who clearly has too much time on his hands, is on a mission to end penis cutting. That's right, the retired hotel worker has gathered enough signatures to put banning circumcisions on next year's ballot in California. He says that the practice is painful and traumatizing. Almost as traumatizing as seeing an uncircumcized penis.
 It was announced that Carl Lewis will lead the 2012 alien invasion After being exhausted with the subject, President Obama finally provided the long form version of his Hawaiian birth certificate and said that people need to 'end the silliness' of making his birth a political issue. When the public still questioned the legitimacy of the certificate, Obama provided a video of his parents having sex when Obama was conceived, along with photos of the Hawaiian doctor delivering him. In addition to the photo evidence, Obama was able to get God himself to come down and tell the press that, indeed, he gave Barack Obama to the world in Hawaii. The public is still unsure of whether the claim is legit, as Obama could have faked all the evidence and hired a bearded guy to play God. Republicans scoffed at Obama's admission, calling it a waste of time, as if they didn't just spend the past two years harping on the subject. Donald Trump, who brought the birther subject into the public eye, said 'birthing is so last week; I'm into race carding these days' before launching into a tirade against Obama using the race card against Trump, who now says that he's full blooded Filipino. I'm pretty sure this should be a bigger issue than it's being made to be. For the first time since Hamas' democratic victory in 2006, the two opposing governments in Palestine, the other being Fatah, have decided to kiss and make up. Considering that the status of Palestine is easily the most important issue facing the Middle East, and arguably the world, we might want to keep an eye on how it pans out. But also, you know, Donald Trump said something today about gas prices so there's that too. I mean, we have nothing to do with the Middle East anyway, right? I'm sure in 10 years, what will really matter is what Donald Trump said about the Middle East rather than...what actually happened in the Middle East. The budget cut machine continues around the world, as SETI suspended payment for the Allen Telescope Array, which was that creepy looking collection of satellite dishes that trolled space for any sign of intelligent life, which is rapidly declining on Earth. The organization says that the machine will be back up and running in 2013, which leaves 2012 WIDE OPEN for an alien invasion. Hmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Are you reading my mind? My God, what's happening? Carl Lewis was stricken from running in the primary race as a State Senator in New Jersey. Lewis was running as a democrat and claims that governor Chris Christie kept him off the ballot because of political reasons. Of course it has nothing to do with the fact that Carl Lewis...isn't registered to live in New Jersey. I'm all about conspiracy theories but I'm pretty sure you have to live in a state before you're able to run it. Rather, I bet Carl Lewis was thrown off the ballot because they saw this:
 Would you be that surprised if this guy was right all along? The rogue news leak site, who are either heroes or traitors, depending on where you get your information from and your general intelligence level, released another doozy yesterday. It details the detainment of various inmates who were held for flimsy reasons. Once such case involved an Al Jazeera cameraman who was held for 6 years in order to be questioned about how the network gets their news. Man, American journalism is becoming awfully lazy these days. In a more egregious case, the beloved McDonalds icon Grimace was held in Guantanamo for 4 years after refusing to give up the 'special sauce' recipe in a Big Mac. Grimace was finally released when he revealed that the 'special sauce' was actually Grimace cum. Already tired of beating the birther thing into the ground, surrealistic presidential candidate Donald Trump has focused his attention on an even more pressing matter: that of Obama's grades in college! Because what country would accept a C student as their leader?! Trump's comments of calling Obama 'not Harvard material' and 'a terrible, terrible student' have made an effect on the president. After Trump grounded Obama and sent him to his room, the president has been studying for the past 8 hours for his mid terms, which he swears he will "ace, hardcore." Upon a satisfactory grade, Trump promised to buy Obama an iPad 2.
A group of economists delivered a cheery, yay-America style report today, where they said that the economy would grow this year, however at the rate of Emmanuel Lewis in his teen years. They also predicted consumer confidence would rise and, by December, the unemployment rate would go down...wait for it...a whole .4%!. Wow, at that rate there won't be any unemployed people left to complain about! I'm glad our government was supposedly focusing all their ideas on unemployment and will lower it by less than half a percentile. How was busting unions, getting rid of abortion and raising the debt ceiling supposed to benefit us again? Regardless, the economists cautioned that the economy will be fine as long as an oil shock doesn't occur. Now, they said this at a time when oil prices are climbing higher than we've seen in years, a time when it seems like an oil shock is not a question of if but when. This is like saying that your alcoholic father won't hit you unless he starts drinking. And ohhhh does daddy drink...
Oakland preacher, and general fun-loving crazy, Harold Camping predicted on his radio show that the world would end on May 21st of this year. Not to be satisfied with only a date, the 89 year old Camping also gave a time of 6 pm for the rapture to come along, just enough time for him to finish his early bird dinner. I can't say I would be disappointed in knowing that the guy holding the 'Jesus Is Coming' sign on the corner was right all along, in fact I think it might be an appropriate end to the world. But it doesn't matter, because I don't think robots can go to hell.
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