By Seagull (e-mail the Seagull) Back in March I predicted the Raiders would draft the fastest guy in the draft with a relatively high pick. Well I was off by a round, but never the less, old Al did it again when he selected Demarcus Van Dyke with the 21st pick of the 3rd round. Obviously I added that in there as an attempt at humor, but I was totally serious… Not that anybody should be impressed by this since this is what Oakland does- they draft the fastest player in the draft pretty much every year (despite the fact that this guy didn't even start for his college team). Regardless, I don’t think Mel Kiper is any better at this shit than I am and he gets inside information. So I’m coming for you Kiper… And I’m bringing your hair with me. You too McShay. Suck it…
 NewsBot 3000 is proud to bring you all the best news of the week in one tidy, neat package for your reading pleasure. My programming believes calling this the Weak In Review is an error, but the programmers at Mindwafers have insisted that this week, like every week, is weak. Enjoy!
God has turned to his rolodex of disasters to once again fuck with humanity, this time with series of devastating tornados that have struck in the mid west. The storms have left hundreds dead and missing through several states, including once again, this cow from 1996’s Twister. Also among the reported missing, Helen Hunt’s career.
Concerns of safety for nuclear powers plants in the center of this week’s deadly tornadoes were alleviated when safety inspectors reported that all plants that were affected by the storm were stable and running smoothly. The chairman of the Nuclear Regulatory Committee, Gregory Jaczko, released a brief statement of “Nah-nah nah-nah nahhhh-nah” directed to Japan.
NFL star Jay Cutler is engaged after popping the question to realty TV “star” Kristin Cavallari of “The Hills” fame during a vacation in Cabo San Lucas. Reports say the Bears quarterback got on one knee, but hurt himself on the extension, and was forced to be replaced mid-proposal by second stringer Todd Collins. But after Collins fumbled the ring box and also called Cavallari the wrong name twice, he was replaced with third stringer Caleb Hanie, who finished the proposal. Hanie and Cavallari reportedly “couldn’t be happier” and have yet to set a date.
Hackers invaded the Sony Playstation Network this week, pulling the entire system offline and making it impossible for users to be able to play multiplayer games, download games, or use their PS3 to stream movies and music. The final tally of suicides are still being reported but officials estimate among the dead are over 3,000 dweebs, 1,228 nerds, 912 dorks, 309 spazzs, and over 300 million pre-teen Asian boys.
Supermarket tabloid magazine Star has published an apology to actress Katie Holmes for a story insinuating that she was addicted to drugs. The magazine retracted for the story and donated an undisclosed sum to one of Holmes’ favorite charities. Star has further apologized to Katie Holmes that she still has to be married to Tom Cruise.
 Middleton waving goodbye to the crowd before fleeing the scene.
By Sal Pimento (email Sal)
Embarrassment has gripped England this morning as the much anticipated royal wedding has been called off. Prince William has reportedly accidently called his bride Kate Middleton the wrong name during the exchanging of the vows at this morning’s ceremony, calling her the name “Rachel” mistakenly when the minister asked to repeat his vows of marriage. Shocked guests were left to gasp when Prince William realized his mistake, but by then the damage was done. Middleton continued on for several minutes in the awkward ceremony, but later fled the altar alongside her family and bridesmaid. The flabbergasted royal family quickly left as well and could not be reached for comment.
“By jove, I can’t believe William would flub so brilliantly!” remarked Cocksley Jenkins outside the Winchester Pub in London when asked of his reaction. “He’s gone and ruined the entire day! Today was to be a joyous holiday in merry England, but now it will be known as the day Prince William made a priceless ass of himself in front of all the world.”
“That poor dearie,” said Haggie Missingtooth who camped outside Buckingham Palace for the ceremony, said in reference to Middleton. “She must be stewing ripe madly, eh. I would slap aside me husband head if he called me the wrong name on me wedded day.”
For all intents and purposes the royal wedding has been cancelled. Beleaguered guests exited the ceremony in droves, some ignoring hastily made post wedding plans and parties. Elton John has said to have cancelled his royal wedding after party and later tweeted: “This is the worst day of my life #princewilliampullsarossgellar#”
London tabloids are rushing to judgment on who the “Rachel” is that Prince William misspoke of. While some believe it could be high profile home wrecker Rachel Uchitel, many believe it is actually Rachel Greene, an attractive coffee barista in Manhattan with a sleek haircut and extremely attractive friends that never seem to work. We attempted to reach Greene for comment for this story, as well as contact her place of employment, Central Perk coffee house in Greenwich Village, but were unable to get a response at press time.
10: 10 PM - We are back, a quart low of pee and ready to roll. Kiper shows us the best available, including Da’Quan Bowers and Prince Amukamara. Payne: “Great a guy named Prince - I’m sure he’s not completely full of himself.“ But the Redskins pick Ryan Kerrigan, line backer at Perdue, who might be Nancy Kerrigan’s brother? Cousin? Illegitimate son? He should shore up the Skins d-line who will definitely be losing Albert Hayesworth, who may or not be going to jail for feeling up a chick. Tough year for Albert. But I’m sure that $20 million guaranteed for a quarter of a season’s work made it all worth it.
10: 15 PM - It’s the time Angry Artie has been waiting for . Goddell announces amongst a sea of New York boo birds that the Patriots select Nate Solder, a simply enormous offensive guard whose 320 pounds and 6 foot-EIGHT. He should have been drafted by the Celtics. But after a string of bone crushing hit clips plays, we are convinced this is a good pick. Alongside Matt Light, who should move to right guard, and hopefully with Mankins staying, and with Sebastian Vollmer (a “true German”), this line has the potential to be the best on football. You know - if they play.
So the Patriots finally stick with their spot and draft a player of need. Patriots Nation just sighed with relief. No trading for 5 picks in the 3rd round, no multi-year/multi-round swaps. They actually use the draft to draft a player. “I’m stunned.” Says Rex Payne. “Did they really just draft based on need and availability for the first time in 10 years? Is this what this is like?"
So it’s that time of the year again. The NFL Draft is upon us, only this year it is shrouded in uncertainty. Will there be football? Will there be a lockout? While it seems last week’s ruling brought football back from the brink of cancellation, you can never say never with the way our country’s legal system goes. I half expected Gloria Allard to show up on behalf of the owners and convince some idiot judge that football is unconstitutional and should be banned altogether. All I know is, if I am forced to no longer have the ability to get out of girly things with my fiancée on Sunday by using the greatest excuse ever invented for men: “Sorry baby the [fill in name of your team] are playing”, then I will not be a happy camper.
So without further adieu, it’s time for the Mindwafers 2nd Annual NFL Draft Diary. They may be no football but if there’s a draft, we’re gonna make fun of it! We have assembled the finest and angriest football minds on staff and actually got them together in one room - that’s right, Angry Artie and Rex Payne. How did we land such superstars? Artie’s bed time is approximately 11pm these days and Payne is on a work release program, but for the NFL draft, the stars have aligned and they are here to make fun of some soon to be millionaires....
April 29th, 2011 is the 119th day of the year. There are 246 days remaining until 2012.
Today's Date in Obscure History: 1992 - As we know from the famous Sublime song, on this date race riots broke out in the Los Angeles areas following the acquittal of the four police officers charged with beating Rodney King. Even though 1992 doesn't seem so far back, it was almost 20 years ago that we realized racial relations in our country weren't as harmonious as we thought. 53 people were killed in the riots that spanned 6 days, also resulting in approx $1 billion dollars in property damage. And no, it wasn't all Korean liquor stores. Shit. I guess we haven't changed either.
Today's Birthday: 1954 - Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry! Hello--! The namesake behind perhaps the greatest television comedy of all time was born today, revolutionizing the sitcom as we know and spawning so many shitty intimators that Jerry and the gang should get royalities even for their shows as well as their own. The great thing about the any number of 12 Seinfeld reruns that are currently on TV right now as you read this - they never get old. Sure some of the topical stuff (OJ in particular) seems a bit dated, but the core funny of Seinfeld - the discussion about nothing (ie Is Superman funny, why can't ketchup and mustard be in the same bottle, did Iron Man wear underwear, does soup and sandwich constitutes a meal) - will live on infamy. Seinfeld - often imitated, never duplicated. Thanks again Jerry.
Today's Death: 1980 - Alfred Hitchcock. The father of the modern horror picture, Alfred Hitchcock directed fifty films in a career that spanned 6 decades in Britain and Hollywood. He was declared one of the most influential film makers of all time by Moviemaker magazine. For Psycho's famous shower scene, Hitchcock was said to have surprised Janet Leigh with freezing cold water to generate realistic screams. We are forced to agree - nothing makes you scream hysterically then when somebody flushes while you're in the shower. It's murrrrrrrderous!
Today's Birthday Of Someone You Totally Thought Was Dead: 1938 – Bernard Madoff, American scam artist. Wait – didn’t he kill himself? Nope, that was his son, who decided it was easier to hang himself with a dog leash while his 2 year old son slept in the next room than it was to continue on living with the Madoff name. People wish Bernie was lying in the dirt next to him, but here’s hoping that he lives forever. No punishment the courts could ever hand down would be worse than knowing your son killed himself because you were his father. Death is only an end to that well deserved suffering.
Fun Fact: It is impossible for a horse to vomit
Quote Of The Day: "To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time”– Leonard Bernstein, American composer
Illusion of the Day  Livin on the edge...or is it the top...or the bottom?
 This thing works in Philadelphia, right? By Mike (e-mail Mike)
Here’s a story I thought I’d never write, especially following a first round playoff series, but as of today, April 28, 2011, I am officially proud of the Bruins. After being let down time and time again, I’ve come to expect a colossal meltdown to end a perfectly good season, after all, It’s Called Bruins! Being just old enough to have caught the Cam Neeley/Ray Borque years, my time as a Bruins fan began in the early 90’s. Things were looking good in those days, but the next decade was the definition of the word futility, being capped off by trading Ray Borque for a bag of pucks because we felt bad for him, and then actually holding a parade for the Stanley Cup he finally won…with Colorado.
By Harvey (email Harvey)You’re not gonna believe this but the Federal Reserve actually has good news for a change. (Yes, I don’t believe it). They just announced that a $600 billion bond program created to strength our weak-ass economy and help with job creation is ending on scheduled as it is has succeeded in lowering loan rates and rising stock prices. Fed Chairman and devil incarnate Ben Bernake announced that he did expect that on the strength of this bond program, economic growth is not far behind. And even though you can’t trust this snakes oil salesman any farther that you can chuck him down a well, stocks did rise and gained 95 points, the biggest rise in three years.
So how do you get your grubby hands on one of these little Treasury bonds? First, ask your grandmother.. You probably got some many of them from your Grandma or Nana growing up that you actually thought they were real money when you were a kid. If there’s two things grandmothers know, it’s buying federal bonds and making spaghetti sauce. If you don’t have access to a grandmother, log on to the website of the US Treasury here: http://www.treasurydirect.gov/
And remember to be patient. The current maturation rate for bonds bought after May 2005 is twenty years. So hey you might be a grandmother by then too!
 "Please don't cut my winky" Obama's Birth Certificate Not the Only Newsworthy Event In World
The news media had a field day with Obama's decision to finally show his birth certificate to the public, describing it as a 'bombshell'. Meanwhile, other things happened in the world, more specifically actual bombshells; many of them in fact. First off, an Afghan military officer killed 8 US servicemen by pretending to be...an Afghan military officer. That's right, it turns out that the baddies don't wear their "Terrorist" hats out in public. Sneaky devils. Also, a blast at a Moroccan cafe killed 14 people. Supposedly, the bomb was aimed toward tourists, who wanted strong coffee, but not THAT strong. And a roadside bomb hit a US naval bus in Karachi, killing 1 civilian and wounding 15 others, including naval employees. Officials say that the Taliban may have been involved, partly because of a similar bombing that happened on Tuesday, but also because the Taliban really hate the Village People. Finally, not to be outdone by the rest of the world, an explosion at a gas pipeline in the Sinai region of Egypt cut off gas supplies heading to Israel. This kind of gives new meaning to the Arab Spring. So just to recap, 4 bombings, 23 people killed, many more injured and we Americans are talking about how the American president was born in America. I'm just saying... The Chamber of Commerce, who has helped big business to fuck our country like John Holmes in his prime, says that it will fight to keep its client's shady financing a secret 'through all available means'. The issue stems from an attempt by President Obama to force the Chamber to disclose corporate funding for political races. Since the Citizen's United case last year, corporations are able to donate all the money they please toward advertisting toward candidates without disclosing who financed the ad. If Obama is successful, we would see brought to you by Exxon/Mobil at the end of a Joe Barton ad, for example, making the campaign season a little more honest. But you know what we think of honesty in American politics. Honesty is like the high school hall monitor that rats you out to the principal for smoking cigarettes in the bathroom. And big business smokes a LOT of cigarettes in the bathroom. By the way, 'through all available means' refers to the Chambers efforts to sabotage any organizations that seek to tell the truth about rotten multinationals. Why are the evil organizations always the most organized? The UN Security Council couldn't agree on a simple measure to condemn the recent actions in Syria, where protesters have been routinely beaten and, in some cases, killed for speaking out against the government. It's safe to say that if they can't even agree to wag a finger at Syria then the government's actions won't stop and they will continue to get away with suppressing their own people. But wait, news alert! Syria got something a lot worse than worldwide condemnation. It was announced today that the Syrian envoy will not be able to attend the royal wedding this week. I repeat, the Syrian envoy WILL NOT be able to attend the royal wedding in Britain. Some things are worse than death. Lloyd Schofield, who clearly has too much time on his hands, is on a mission to end penis cutting. That's right, the retired hotel worker has gathered enough signatures to put banning circumcisions on next year's ballot in California. He says that the practice is painful and traumatizing. Almost as traumatizing as seeing an uncircumcized penis.
By Sal Pimento (email Sal)NESN employee and Boston Bruins play-by-play announcer Jack Edwards has reported led a group of New England based militia members over the US-Canadian border early this morning in a declaration of war and eventual invasion of Canada. Edwards and his squadron of soldiers, thought to be no more than 100 in the regiment, reportedly attacked Canadian sentry guards and border patrol officials at the Route 235 Morses Line crossing in Vermont. After gaining entry to the country, Edwards reportedly marched through border towns in Quebec, ransacking homes of French Canadian citizens who immediately surrendered and fled at the sight of the frothy Americans. The Canadian National Guard has been called in to stop the militia’s advance. But Canadian officials fear that Edwards’ invasion plans will inspire more Americans to realize their neighbors to the north of a bunch of diving pussies and more conflict could arise.
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