Greetings, 'Waferists! Wekome back to the Weak in Review - your one-stop for all news on this big blue ball called Earth. What happened this week? Let's find out....

The Gulf oil spill continues to dominate headlines - depsite a public pee-pee slapping from President Obama this week, BP is still waiting for its"top-kill" efforts to bare some fruits. Officials estimate they will not know until Sunday if the highly publicized procedure of pumping thick mud at the broken pipes may suceed. So, hey don't cancel those Memorial Day beach plans just yet - this thing MIGHT be cool by Sunday. The Gulf spill has already became 4 times the size of the Exxon Valdez disaster, spilling an estimated 18-39 million gallons into the ocean and causing the Louisiana coast to look like those crappy 3-D art paintings they used to sell at the mall. If you squint you can actually see our Earth crying.

Nice to see you again, my loyal Mindwaferists. I know what you're thinking; "Rod, where have you been?" That's an interesting question. For the past few months I've been hiding in my attic, trying to steer clear of those damned Census takers and their fancy gizmos. In true patriotic fashion, I refused to give away information about myself, such as the fact that I'm caucasian or that I live in a two-family house (my mother-in-law, who lives on the other side, objected to my political stance but I persisted anyhow). Sure, the government tells you that it's just a harmless survey intended to count the population but I know better. What's with those GPS tracking devices anyway? It's clear that the Census is just another example of Big Brother tracking our every move, something that George W. would never have even considered under threat of waterboarding. 
     But the Census fueled madness is over and now I can return to my trusty computer and speak the truth to my thirsty public. A lot has happened over the past few months so I can't cover it all here. But one issue that stands above the rest is the continuing persecution of business by Oblama and his commie cronies. As you all know, an oil spill occurred off the coast of the Gulf of Mexico, causing a deluge of black gold to spread throughout the waters. What a waste of oil, I say. It takes me $50 to fill up my GMC Jimmy and a bunch of fish and pelicans get thousands of gallons for free! 
      The worst part of the whole ordeal is how British Petroleum, a leading oil entrepreneur, is being blamed for everything about the spill and being threatened by our "president" (since when can a president not be from our country I wonder everyday). Obama said that he wants to keep "a boot to BP's throat" and is forcing the little guy to clean up the whole mess, further showing our misguided leader's utter contempt for private business.
     

Greetings ya'll.....this week was a wild one wasn't it? Let's get down to the nity gritty....


- Remember that oil spill last month? Yeah it's not getting any better. In fact a new study has reported that the amount of oil spilled could fill enough gallon milk jugs to stretch more than 11,300 miles. It could also fill 102 gyms, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. While the clean up is still months away from being completed, authorities are now focusing on thinking about other adjectives to describes just how much friggin oil is in our ocean.


- Punch in your pin code extra hard today. John Shepard Baron, the inventor of the ATM, died on Thursday  at the age of 84 in his native Scotland. John stated his inspiration for ATMs came from seeing vending machines dispense chocolate bars. Donations made in Baron's will be accepted only in incriments of $20.00 and if you did want a receipt of his funeral please press Enter.

- Paramount has announced it has dropped Meghan Fox from Transformers 3, citing creative differences between the actress and the film's crew and super-director Michael Bay. Hardcore fans are said to be disappointed in the news Fox will no longer be featured in the franchise, but looking forward that they can now focus on masterbating to just the giant robots and explosions.

- Rumors are fast spreading that the reason behind the Cleveland Cavaliers' stunning loss in the NBA playoffs may be due to Cavs' guard Delonte West giving the ol "and 1" to super-duper-star LeBron James' mother. Was Delonte West banging LeBron's mom? Whether or not this is true, there is one thing we can all agree on: Delonte West loves KFC. For Serio!

Election fever warmed up three states this week in a boring kind of way, so maybe we should call it election pinkeye. Voters went on an antiestablishment tear this week, according to the media anyway, as Rand Paul, Texas Rep Ron Paul's son, won the republican primary in Kentucky. What made the decision truly juicy is that Kentucky is home to Mitch McConnell, one of the most powerful republicans in the country. While McConnell shilled for Paul's opponent Trey Grayson (who sounds like a fake newscaster), voters ignored the advice. Meanwhile, in Arkansas, longtime Senator Blanche Lincoln was forced into a runoff vote this month. The media, always the voice of intellectualism, tried to force some kind of meaning in all of this while mentioning the tea 758 times in a day for no reason. 


But all isn't well for Rand Paul, even after winning the Kentucky primary. In an interview with NPR, Paul was asked about the Civil Rights Act and whether his libertarian views would cause him to oppose the legislation if it were proposed this year, even though...um...it isn't. Well it looks as though Paul failed the completely hypothetical, pointless, this isn't going to happen so why are we asking this question test. Paul responded that while he supports the basic tenets of the act, that discrimination shouldn't be tolerated, he said that government should not be telling business how to conduct their...business. Keep in mind that the Civil Rights Act was passed in the 1960s and Paul is being asked this question now for God-knows-what-reason. Next, the interviewer questioned Paul whether he agreed with the Poor House Laws of 1861 and if James Buchanan was indeed a rat scallion.


And on the other side of the world, who knew that the Chinese could party harder than us? Ma Yaohai, dubbed China's most famous swinger, was sentenced to three and a half years in prison for crowd licentiousness, AKA, being a playa. Ma was involved in 18 orgies, which he organized online under the codename Roaring Virile Fire (which I will be naming my child). While its unfortunate that he has to spend time in prison just for having fun, there is an upside for Ma; he's now known as China's most famous swinger. It sure beats, China's most famous child molester.


And in mindfuck, theworldwillfoldonitself news, scientist Craig Venter created the first synthetic life-form, a bacteria completely created in a lab. Through a complex system of experiment that I'm too stupid to understand, Venter 'water-marked' his created DNA to put his stamp on his God-like creation. He maintains that the created organism can be used to create biofuels and help with many of the world's ills. Everybody else is freaking the fuck out that this guy was actually able to create something out of nothing. Will these created organisms mix with our natural environment and destroy our planet? Well, we're already on our way to doing that anyway (see: top story) so it doesn't really matter. Congratulations Dr. Venter for making many a science fiction story come true. Robert Heinlein is smiling out in the cosmos.


A small hootenany was put together by those crazy Afghanis, trying to hash out this whole 'war' thing. Representatives from all of Afghan society, including leaders of the Taliban, met in Maldives, to see if they could understand each other. Notably absent was anyone from the US, because what's the sense in meeting your target? Either way, the meeting didn't exactly go to plan, as none of the participants could find Maldives due to a connection failure in their GPS systems. Better luck next time.

- And our Headline of the Week goes to this gem:

"Is Dora the Explorer an illegal immigrant?"

The good people at www.FreakingNews.com have explored (thank you, here all week) how Arizona's controversial new immigration law may affect the children's television world. Other iconic children's TV show characters have felt the sting of the new immigration law; the Telebtubbies are officially wanted by immigration officials for failure to provide a green card, and Bob The Builder's entire labor staff have been deported.


-Reece and Bobby James 

Today marked a depressing milestone for the war in Afghanistan, further evidence that the war is wasting all of our resources. By resources, we could talk about the billions of taxpayer dollars that have been thrown away in a war that's achieved little positive results and has created more terrorists instead of reducing the threat. But money can be brought back; soldiers lives can't. After 5 US servicemen were killed by a roadside bomb, the deaths marked more than 1000 killed in the war in Afghanistan. It took 7 years for the first 500 but that last 500 have occurred over the past 2 years. This coming at a time when President Obama pledged an additional 30,000 troops to Afghanistan, further endangering the lives of our young soldiers in a war that increasingly seems as if there's no real mission to be accomplished. For all the empty rhetoric wrongly accusing Obama of being a closet socialist, the decision to continue the war effort is the clearest evidence that Obama has swayed from the promises of his campaign.
    Next week, a new spending bill will pass through Congress, allocating another 35 billion to the war effort. The funding will fuel the corruption filled Karzai government while ensuring that we'll be in Afghanistan for years to come. In an effort to look tough on terrorism and not look like a party that doesn't 'support the troops' the democrats and the rest of congress are going the way of the Soviets in the 1980s. 
     Forget healthcare, social security or any other social program. At least the American people get something out of that. This reckless war spending needs to stop as we waste our money on these pointless military adventures. It ruins our standing amongst the world, makes us weaker financially and, most importantly, it puts young kids at risk who are brave enough to fight in a war and trust a government that doesn't have their best interest anywhere in sight.
    Next November, forget party loyalty and vote for anyone who's brave enough to stand against the war machine. We're running ourselves into the ground.


-B.James

It's funny how the average American is bludgeoned in the face with any negative press regarding our purported 'enemies' but when some positive development occurs, we barely hear a whisper in the American press. Remember a few months ago, when all we heard about was how Iran was only a few years away from creating unleashing a nuclear holocaust upon us? Notice we've heard very little since then; what happened? Did they give up?
   Not likely; I think that has more to do with Pakistan being more fashionable to be afraid of, now that those guys are actually COMING HERE and trying to mess with us. Attempted Times Square bombing; that sells newspapers, not some inspector dicking around Iran, we don't want to read about that.
     Today, Brazil and Turkey announced that they will receive fuel rods from Iran, where the two allied countries will do the service of a fuel swap to ensure that Iran doesn't turn us into a Mad Max-like wasteland. Since Iran has clearly shown no interest in ceasing their nuclear program and we've been left with little option, this would seem to be a positive development, no?
    Not exactly, says all of the countries who actually have nuclear weapons. The US and France, jealous of being left out of the deal, still insist on sanctions being the only option. Yes, those same sanctions that crippled Iraq's economy and turned its people into a land of mercenaries willing to kill anyone as long as they're able to feed their families. That worked so great last time, why not do it again? Then, in a couple years of chaos and anarchy, we can invade. Hell, we'll be done with Afghanistan by then, why come home?
     Seriously, this Middle East adventure has gone on long enough. Can we just be honest and admit that a tiny country isn't going to strike the US or Israel and face complete annihilation themselves? This whole 'going to war to attain peace' is obviously not working.
     Keep in mind that none of the attempted terrorist strikes here (including 9/11) have involved anyone who is Iranian.

Update: Today, US officials announced a deal with the 5 permanent UN security council members (Russia, China, Britain, France, US plus Germany) where a fourth set of sanctions would be imposed against Iran. Goes to show you, that's what happens when you get too cozy with someone other than the world's major powers.

-B.James

By: Sal Pimento


New Orleans-
After the revolutionary ideas of placing a huge dome over the Gulf of Mexico and lighting the oil on fire failed at containing the oil spill, British Petroleum was forced to resort to even more unconventional methods. The BP cleanup crew was told on Tuesday to begin Operation Spotless Kitchen, consisting of tossing dry rags and sponges into the body of water in hopes of sopping up some of the 11 million gallons of oil that have spread throughout the last few weeks.
      BP CEO John Browne admitted that the plan is a gamble. "We have little hope that Operation Spotless Kitchen will do any good," he said. "But what the hell, we've tried everything else; sucking it up with a vacuum, swirling it around with a giant stick. I even hired a guy to suck it up with one of those McDonalds shake straws. What else are we supposed to do, we're an oil company. We know about extracting oil, not cleaning it up."
      President Obama has committed $5 billion toward the new operation, citing the need to rise to an environmental challenge of epic proportions. "Rags clean oil," Obama said. "Anyone who's ever worked on a car before would know that, it's a no-brainer. As for sponges, we've all seen what they do in the kitchen. Think of the Gulf of Mexico as a giant sink with lots of shrimp."
      Asked what would happen if the operation were a failure, Browne didn't seem too worried. "To tell you the truth," he said, "everybody will forget about the oil spill in another month when the American Idol finales come on. But hey, if it works, it works."

What a week for stories. Bombs, and spills, and bad water, Oh my. Mindwafers carefully documented the madness for your reading pleasure.

- A terrorist attack in Times Square failed over the weekend, as authorities discovered an explosive-laden SUV in the heart of NYC. The police quickly disarmed the bombs before anyone could be hurt. Contrary to belief, the attack was not carried out by a dude pissed off there are no more nudie bars at Times Square, but Pakistan national Faisal Shahzad. Faisal was reportedly a rabid anti-George Bush and anti-Iraq war supporter. Luckily he decided to strike in the heartland of George Bush country - New York City. The attack would have surely devastated the sausage vendors, street musicians, and The Naked Cowboy, but luckily New York's finest intervened.

So how was Faisal caught? Custom officials caught his name on the "no-fly" list - hey score one of the minimum-wage civil servants - and he was escorted off the plane by federal officials. Police as well as those who knew Faisal are at a loss for determining a motive - he just received a master's degree in business admin, his family was wealthy, and he excelled at ping pong. Take one look at his chin-strap beard and oversized Blue-Tooth and you would think Total Douche, not Terrorist. Was his bomb plot aimed at the retailers in Times Square because they ran out of skinny jeans and pink popped-collar Polos?

The bomb scare in New York City has already led to panic and overreactionary police tactics - Friday, authorities closed half of Times Square when a mysterious package was discovered on a sidewalk. The package - a water cooler, which when "denonated" by police forces, contained water bottles and books. No one was harmed and luckily the water in the bottles was not from the MWRA.

- In other world-altering news, the Gulf Mexico is now being renamed the Gulf of Texaco after one of the worst oil spills in recent memory occured. A spill said to possibly ecslipse the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill  in terms of sheer damage is snaking its way across the Gulf, due to the explosion and sinking of an offshore oil rig. Approximately 210,000–1,100,000 gallons of crude oil is being leake dinto the Gulf; in comparison, this is one-fifth the amount of gasoline needed to fuel P Diddy's Notorious 3 a.m. Hummer.

- Michael Bay has lent the Tranformers to assist in the clean up of the oil spill. Huge underwater robots are now doing the work of cleaning up the US's black gold fuck-up; they are currently positioning a giant 100-ton concrete-and-steel box over a blown-out well at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. Does anyone reminded of that crappy arcade game where you control the claw and try to pick up lame stuffed animals and no matter how many quarters you stuff into the machine, there's just no way the claw will grab anything worthwhile long enough to carry it to the dispense bin. That's what this oil spill clean up feels like. Giant robot arms cleaning up oily stuff animals, only it's gonna take about $900 billion worth of quarters and the prize is a whole bunch of dead fish.


- NATO commanders are putting forth a new wartime proposal to reward soliders who exercise restraint in dealing with violent situation with civlians and suspected Taliban in Afghanistan. Soliders will now be recognized and lauded for "courageous restraint" in dealing with hostile forces, which rewards the soliders for operating in a peaceful manner when encountering a potential deadly crisis. The Taliban has already developed a counter-attack to soliders who exercise courageous restraint to try to find a peaceful solution during conflicts: "Total killingness."


- A woman in Massachusetts has been cited for a hit and run of biblical proportons. The victim, legally named Lord Jesus Christ, of Belchertown, Mass., was struck by the woman's car as Our Lord and Savior crossed the street. When asked if He believed the woman should be prosecuted, Jesus replied, "Let he who is without sin cast the first hit and run,  aggravated assault and attempted vehicular homicide."

- Within seconds, the stock market dropped like a thirteen year olds balls as industry giants like Proctor and Gamble and Phillip Morris lost up to 90% of their value. But just as the parade of stockbrokers looked to shallow a pistol, the market miraculously recovered. The sudden drop was blamed on a computing error by several high speed computer algorithms programmed to buy and sell that accidentally sold off the farm. A great reminder that the economy can crash in seconds due to hitting the wrong key on a keyboard. Walking on eggshells anyone?

- Speaking of the almighty market, Greece is now rethinking that whole 'democracy' thing they invented hundreds of years ago as the country was swept into the largest crisis since the Battle of Troy. Several weeks ago, Greece revealed that they are in risk of financial default due to overspending and having anything to do with Goldman Sachs. Being a EU member, other European countries were reluctantly forced to bail out the black sheep, like Billy, your heroin addict brother. Germany took the lead in announcing a hugeout bailout package to the Greeks, causing the financial markets in Europe to say 'wha wha what?' Of course, what's bad for Europe is bad for everybody, so financial markets in Asia and the US nose-dived because of those free wheeling Greeks. A giant boycott on souvlaki was called for by the Citizens for a Useless Protest.

- While results have not been completely tallied up, it looks as though Great Britain has a new Prime Minister, replacing the formerly loved and now hated Gordon Brown (kick yourself if you still thought Tony Blair was in charge). David Cameron, the conservative champion and hater of all things brown, won by a good portion over the Labour party, who blew their mandate by treating the financial crisis like a stubbed toe. Surprisingly, Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats finished a distant third despite Clegg's electrifying performance during three recent debates. Goes to show you that making a good point about policy means absolutely nothing. According to a recent poll, .00001% of Americans not only didn't know about the election but also didn't realize that Great Britain had a government at all.

- Not to be outdone by the pasty Englishmen, Nigeria also got a new president after former president Umara Yar'Adua died fighting a longtime illness. Best thing about this? The new president's name is Goodluck Johnathan, a lot easier to remember than Umara Yar'Adua. Goodluck Johnathan takes over a country with chronic poverty, where 70% of households don't have reliable electricity and where rebels in the south have fought a longstanding and bloody war against the oil companies. In this case, having a name like Goodluck Johnathan is like Magic Johnson changing his name to "Normalimmunesystem Johnson".


And finallly, our headline of the week has to go to Fox News:

TSA Worker Arrested After Jokes, Fight About Size of Genitalia

In the airline industry, apparently size does matter. In Miami, a TSA employee was arrested after attacking his co-worker because of constant ribbing about his small...uh...engine. The worker had tested the Whole Body Imagining x-ray machine which has been installed at several US airports and when the image dispalyed his less than stellar manhood, he was mocked incessantly by co-workers until he finally snapped. Ironically the Body Imaging worked too well; while showing off his hilariously small penis, workers failed to notice the baseball bat in his hands when he went lunging after his teaser. What a prick.

See you next week folks. Remember to stay away from that seafood unless you want Castol in your belly. Can't wait to see what kind of economic and environmental destruction the big guys have in store for us!

-Reece and Bobby James

This past weekend, us Bostonians ran around like it was 2012 as a water main broke and our water supply was sprinkled with the remains from last Friday's burrito dinner. People bought water by the barrel, until there wasn't even a bottle of Aquafina kicking around. Little did those silly Bostonites know that they could get plenty of water 20 minutes down the road, where the water-leak didn't reach.
      But this article isn't about water, or mob rule, or about stupid people (actually it is about that). Rather, I wanted to illustrate the situation in Boston for a few reasons.
1) It showed how vulnerable we really are in our seemingly 'comfortable' environment. One water main breaks and we suddenly become selfish savages, buying 80 cases of water even though we clearly won't consume even a fifth of it in the span that the main is broken.

2) The leak occurred in the town of Weston, about 10 miles south of Boston and a town that's easy to miss. I'm sure that the only reason someone would be in Weston is if they know someone who lives there or if they live there themselves. In short, before this weekend, Weston had no effect whatsoever for the city dweller. But this incident shows how inextricably linked everything is, especially when it comes to resources. It reminded me of the blackout in New York City back in 2003, which was caused by an overheated pipe in Ohio.

        And while Bostonians thought their world was going to end, there actually was a lot of life ending down south; specifically that of hundreds of species of marine life that are now sucking down black gold because of an oil spill caused the oil giant British Petroleum (BP). That's right, the same BP that, in 1954, encouraged the US to replace Iran's democratically elected leader and install the Shah, later leading to the Islamic revolution of 1979. And we all know how that ended up...profits! Praise Allah!