 Kennedy wonders, 'But can I have sex with it?'
Pilf-Town- Obama: What a Turkey
By: Rod Pilf
Most people regard the annual turkey pardoning on Thanksgiving to be innocent fun, a spectacle for the kids. However, these people don’t realize that this is serious business, as releasing the wrong turkey can be a detriment to society as a whole.
The tradition began under George H.W.Bush, who pardoned Tom the turkey, former CEO of TripToFan, the failed pharmaceutical firm. Tom Turkey was falsely accused of accounting fraud after his company’s board of directors accused him of purposely misleading stockholders in the days leading to TripToFan’s bankruptcy. Tom claimed that he had no knowledge of his company’s ill shape and simply reported what he knew. Bush rightly released this poor turkey, accepting the fact that Tom was victim to an SEC witch-hunt intended to stifle the free exchange of ideas and services.
Obama’s decision to pardon Courage the turkey is a different animal altogether. Courage is well known as a former union organizer with ties to PETA, the terrorist group, not the delicious bread you use to roll up turkey meat. Later, the criminal turkey went on to form TERD- Turkeys Eradicating Reprehensible Distribution- an organization that aimed to destabilize the turkey farm business. Harmless turkey? Hardly.
 A customer tries to get to get to the Blu-Ray player stuck under the dead Santa
Santa Claus Trampled in Black Friday Melee
By: Chaz Pimento
Leicester, Ma- Early morning shoppers were treated to a tarnish in their holiday cheer when the world’s most famous fat man was crushed to death during a storm of consumer fury.
Santa Claus, AKA Kris Kringle, was pronounced dead at St.Vincents Hospital after being repeatedly stepped on during a special day-after-Thanksgiving sale at Walmart in Leicester, a small town outside Worcester, Massachusetts.
Among other items, customers clamored for the newly released DJ Hero and the iPhone 3GS. Mr. Claus started his shopping early in order to keep up with demand from increasingly needy children around the world.
Despite a lifeless Claus lying on the floor, customers continued charging toward the aisles, stepping over the red suit-covered body, while flailing limbs were hurled toward anyone standing nearby.
One customer, who asked not to be identified, recounted the event. “Santa walked in all jolly-like, rubbing his beard and such,” the customer said. “The last thing I heard was ‘ho ho hoaahh’ before he was pushed to the ground. On the positive side, I got a GPS system for 25 bucks, 80% off retail price!”
Others saw the death of Santa as the price you pay for competing in such a whirlwind day of shopping. “What does he expect?” said another anonymous customer. “This is Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year. If you ask me, Santa had it coming. He’s not the only one looking to buy toys for Christmas.”
Santa’s funeral is scheduled for next Wednesday. However, attendance is expected to be low, as most people will be rushing towards Target’s One Day Only Post Thanksgiving Wednesday Sale. The family of Mr. Claus has requested that he be buried with a black iPod Nano, which he was clutching at the moment of his demise.
 He says it was consensual but the villagers think otherwise - Maybe this isn't what Sarah Palin had in mind with the word "rogue" but the headline says it all here, " Rogue Monkey Accused of Attempting Rapes" Apparently, last year in India a monkey saw a couple having sex in a field and, from there, got crazy with "lust" and began trying to mimic the couple's behavior. The horny monkey has terrorized villages, trying to make sweet love to the ladies, although clearly he doesn't have much game. The article goes on to talk about some other incidents involving rogue monkeys, including one that snatched a baby out of her mother's hands and escaped with the baby under its arm. More than anything else, this seems to be the last bit of inarguable evidence that Darwin was correct. Attempted rape? Baby stealing? They're becoming human after all.
- B. James
As an avid reader of both fiction and non-fiction, I'm continually searching for books that take the position of the common man. Rather than waste my time on aging hacks like Phillip Roth or become enraged by the nonsense of Shakespeare, I look for simple language, like that of a caramel apple dipped in liberty, the type that doesn't talk down the reader, but gently caresses the readers biceps, telling the reader to "bear my arms."
I want a story about Joe Six-Pack, or even Jane Six-Pack, the type that cooks a Sunday meal for her family with venison she killed and cleaned herself, who runs into 'regular' problems like how to deal with her growing daughter, how to balance work and family and, most importantly, how to negotiate a back-end deal involving three Saudi oil excavators while grooming to be the next Vice-President. You know, everyday type things.
What the f**k is happening in Afghanistan?
By Bobby James
At a time when the US waits for President Obama's decision on what to do in Afghanistan, it helps to take a look at the eroding country in its present state and how it came to look that way.
For our generation, it's hard to imagine an Afghanistan not at constant war, whether with foreign invaders or itself. Just mention the country's name and it evokes visions of sand piles, bombed out buildings and crippling poverty. But it wasn't always this way. Throughout the early to mid 20th century, Afghanistan enjoyed a thriving culture, where its capital city, Kabul, was dubbed the Paris of Central Asia. Intellectuals discussed politics in coffee shops, while wealthy patrons ate at world class Afghan restaurants.
 The senate checks out Nancy Pelosi's sweet ass (Baucus-center)
Welcome to Who's Running Your Country Into the Ground, where your loyal public servants at MinDwAferS pick apart our sad excuse for a government. Our first subject involves a "moderate" democrat, another term for a congressman without a spine who sucks off any industry clod he can get their greezy hands on. His name is Max Baucus, a democrat from the prairie lands of Montana. You may have heard his name from all the hoopla surrounding the healthcare bill, the hoopla that had people going apeshit and biting each other's arms because al qaida was supposed to take over our healthcare system. Baucus served on the Senate Finance Committee, where he held one of the most important positions regarding the systemic change of our healthcare.
Before we get to Baucus' many errors of judgement and corrupt ways, we need to go into the irony of his positioning as pointman for the healthcare issue. In 2008, the senator raised a record $13.6 million, a record for a senator, where only about 10% came from residents of Montana. Where did the rest come from? Did he hit the lottery? Well, in a way he did, at least among the healthcare industry, since they footed Maxy boy's tab. So, to recap, the healthcare industry, along with the financial industry, in which Baucus has a direct connection, provided the senator a sure thing at a reelection. Then, a year later, that same senator gets put in charge to "reign in" the very industry that just the year before, financed his private jet. Hmm, interesting.
Like many others across this country, I was saddened, crushed even, to learn that Doug Hoffman, the conservative's great white hope, lost New York's 23rd congressional district on Tuesday to Democrat Bill Owens.
The results of this race showed the confused thinking of the American voter. To ignore such a charismatic, thunderous speaker such as Hoffman, you have to wonder whether Americans are becoming brainwashed by the Obama machine. Just watch Hoffman's ball of fury explode into your hippocampus.
For anybody looking for a laugh, please read this article about a Russian journalist's trip to Turkmenistan, a former Soviet republic that has to be the most backwards, batshit country there is.
A couple of highlights:
The founding ruler, Saparmurat Niyazov, is definitely one the most insane leaders of all time, creating a cult of personality that would make Kim Jong Il jealous. Despite the fact that the country is suffering from crippling poverty, Niyazov had a solid gold statue of himself constructed in the town square, which rotates slowly so that the leader's face will always be in the sun. His family's mausoleum is a massive structure with golden arches that sits outside an apocalypse-like den of miserable poverty.
There's lots more fun to be found in Turkmenistan!
Niyazov died in 2006 but not before he left an insane legacy that includes banning opera, ballet and the circus, while "establishing a theme park based on Turkmen fairy tales." He also made his personal memoirs compulsory reading in the country's public schools and anyone wishing to get a driver's license needs to pass a test based on Niyazov's book.
Also before his death, Niyazov appointed his personal dentist, Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov (It's like Smith for Turkmen) as his successor. Following this decision, "Berdy" published his own memoirs and made that, too, essential reading for the Turkmen public. So there's now a total of 2 books that are published in Turkmenistan.
This is a great excerpt from the article, where the journalist wanted to prove how alone and isolated Turkmenistan is from the rest of the world, involving some very easy trivia questions:
"To test out just how isolated the place really was, I played a game on a Friday night out at one of Ashgabat's few nightclubs. I asked 10 different people, all young well-to-do types in their twenties, if they could name the current US President. Seven of them expressed total bemusement, one guessed "Bush", and one of the bartenders disappeared to phone a "friend who knows everything", and returned a few minutes later proudly brandishing a piece of paper on which was written in neat Cyrillic letters, "Vagassa Avama." Well, at least they know our dear President Avama. So why does this kind of repressive regime able to exist? Aren't we supposed to be spreading democracy throughout the world like a case of the swine flu? Well, here you go:"Turkmenistan is watched closely by the rest of the world due to the vast reserves of gas – the fourth largest in the world – that lie under its arid sands and off its Caspian coast. With the cash that flooded into the country as the gas flowed out, Turkmenbashi built possibly the oddest city in the world."I guess it's all about the gas.-B.James
Welcome back my fellow Mindwaferists for a very spoooky edition of the Weak In Review. You're old buddy Bobby James had the misfortune of hanging out in Sudbury, Massachusetts last week, where I frequently stay with my brother-in-law and play friendly games of Russian Roulette over iced lattes. At 3 am, we were finishing up a game when the police kicked in the door. After a ten minute John Woo-style standoff, the police realized they had the wrong house and apologized. We were able to finish our game a few minutes shy of 4 am. Needless to say, I won. Here we go: Pakistan went all Notorious B.I.G. this week as they wondered whether our billions in military aid are worth all the problems. The Pakistani military battled militants in the South Warizistan region in order to root out Taliban members, but in the course of things, accidentally killied innocent civilians in the area. Whoops. Something tells me that it's going to be difficult bringing peace to a place called "WARzistan" It's kind of like ridding Legoland of all its Legos.
|
RSS Feed
