 During the speech, the president unveiled his 2012 campaign poster Reported By Sal Pimento
In a surprise move to both parties, President Obama used this year's State of the Union address not to discuss health care, unemployment or other domestic issues, but rather chose to talk about the movie Tron: Legacy.
The president began the speech mentioning how he was sent a promotional copy of the film, which he watched in the White House theatre. "I was inspired by the dizzying portrayal of what the future would look like and I said to myself, 'I want that," Obama said. He continued to describe various plot points of the film, which seemingly had nothing to do with the current state of US politics, before he connected the ideas.
"There was this one scene where Clu and Tron are racing with these spaceships across this computer field and I couldn't help think that this is what we need in the future of the US in order to be the innovation leader once again." Obama then pledged $50 billion towards research and development with the goal of creating a fleet of "those cool space computer cars." Then, in a surprise move, the president appointed actor Jeff Daniels as "Innovation Czar" mistaking the Dumb and Dumber actor with Jeff Bridges, one of the stars of Tron and Tron:Legacy. "Daniels is my man," Obama said, "because anyone badass enough to race space cars across a computer field is someone I can get behind."
In response to the president's Tron raves, republican senator Mitch McConnell criticized the president as lacking vision in citing Tron rather than the Star Wars series, which the senator feels is a superior example of what we should be looking towards. "I mean, I guess the space cars are okay, but they had ships that can travel through space in Star Wars!" McConnell said. "We wouldn't be restricted to traveling on a computer grid like in Tron. Instead we could go anywhere we want, even invade alien planets if we wanted to." In an obvious move to discredit Obama, the senator announced that he would send a bill to the house floor which would designate $900 bazillion toward developing a fleet of intergalactic spaceships and $5 billion to create "those sliding doors that go shoop when they open."
Despite the criticism, the president maintained that the US would remain in an "economic rut" if we didn't look toward the future in innovation. "Fine, you don't want space cars," Obama said. "You keep driving your Toyota with the brakes that don't work, I'll say hello when I'm flying above you on my sky computer grid system." The president then ended the speech by pantomiming what a space race would look like, using miniature toys and providing his own sound effects. The speech gained the biggest applause when the president attempted to mend the divisive politics of late.
"I know that democrats and republicans don't agree on a whole lot," the president began, "but no party can deny the importance of flying through the air in a space vehicle running on crystalized plutonium. To deny that would just be deluding yourselves."
 How can we smile if we're cramming food in our mouths? Generated by NewsBot3000Last week Forbes magazine released their list of the happiest countries in the world. Norway topped the list, followed by Denmark, Finland, Australia and New Zealand. No surprise that two Scandinavian countries topped the list, as they seem to top any list in terms of their people's well-being, as well per capita income. I've never been to Scandinavia, but I assume it's an endless barrage of free blowjobs, free drugs and beautiful women. So what makes a country "happy" in the first place? It's difficult to gauge an emotion so abstract as happiness but here's what the Legatum Institute, a British think tank, measured to come up with its results: Countries were measured in such areas as per capita, ease of doing business, entrepreneurship, healthcare, feeling 'well rested', openness to express opinions and levels of education among many others. Rounding out the list were Canada, the Netherlands, Sweden, Switzerland and, just squeezing into the top 10 spot, the United States. It's interesting to note that the United States is the only country on the list who doesn't have a national healthcare service, although we did rank first in healthcare spending (but keep in mind it says SPENDING, which doesn't actually mean we have the best healthcare).
Generated By NewsBot 3000
What do China and the movie Top Gun have in common? Other than the fact that they would be the only 2 places on Earth where Tom Cruise is taller than the average male, not much at all. But one scene from the movie could expose China as the frauds we always thought they were.
About a week ago, China aired an air force training exercise that showed a missile shot by a plane making contact with an F-5, a US fighter jet. The Ministry of Tofu (yes, you read that right), noticed the explosion to be similar to one from the movie Top Gun and did some investigation. To me, the footage looks pretty identical; however, take a look at the video for yourself and make your own conclusion. By the way, the media outlet who aired the footage has, for some reason, removed it from their website. Also, this wouldn’t be the first time China stole a famous scene or character from the United States. In 2007, a Chinese agency used an x-ray of a popular cartoon character to illustrate a story about a discovery related to multiple sclerosis. Who was that character you ask? Check it out for yourself…
By Tuukka Dump
So, its been about two weeks since my last post. I figured it was about time I write another article. In my last column I said this next one would be about how I thought Zdeno Chara was overrated and sucks as the Bruins captain. That’s boring… ill write about that when I get desperate.
Instead, after having a few adult beverages with Mike on Saturday night, I have a way better topic. The topic is asshole parents who live vicariously through their child’s athletic endeavors. You might be reading this and say, doesn’t Tuukka Dump just write about Ice Hockey? I do, and my topic is directly related to the fact that I am an ice hockey referee and constantly listen to parents scream at me as well as their kids, mascots, the lady at the snack bar, and anyone else within 100 feet of the rink.
 Are you feeling lucky today? When you're running a website, there are all kinds of nifty tools that help you track your traffic and where it is coming from. Our favorite part to look at is the list of Google search terms that lead people to your site because some of them are really out there. So we decided not to keep all the fun to ourselves and from now on will give you a monthly rundown of the 8 craziest search terms and the articles on the site they will lead you to. These are all 100% real and are the actual keywords entered by a person looking for something on the internet. We're still not sure if it's worse that they were searching for these terms or that it lead them to us? Either way, enjoy....
Search term: beach party orgies
Lead them here: The Phantom Gourmet BBQ Beach Party - An Orgy For the Stomach
We're pretty sure this guy was less than satisfied when his search for "beach party orgies" lead him to an article about a food festival
Search term: "indian man" mustache ride
Lead them here: The Mustache Challenge Page
Again, this person was probably looking for something other than a charity event for Greater Boston Foodbank
Search term: sausage vs bratwurst
Lead them here: (6) Sausage vs. (11) Bratwurst
Finally a successful search as this reader was treated to a spirited debate on the pros and cons of various encased meats as part of our March Fatness tournament - Season 2 is just weeks away!
Search term: best ways to blackout drinking
Lead them here: How to get totally blackout drunk.....the healthiest way possible
One of our rare pieces where we actually give you information you can use in real life - the title says it all
Search term: paul reiser sucks
Lead them here: Paul Reiser Even Sucks In Print
Not only a search term but something I'm sure we can all agree on. We're actually the first site that comes up when you type in "paul reiser sucks" assuring we will attract future generations of Reiser haters for years to come
Search term: girls taking a shit
Lead them here: Whats the deal with girls taking facebook pics of their friends on the toilet?
Not sure what this freak was looking for, but he/she got to read all about what Ty the Train of the Grundle Gang had to say about Facebook pictures of girls on the porcelin throne
Search term: a guy thinks he is an orange juice
Lead them here: Everyone Knows a Friend of the Orange Juice Guy
You know the one about the guy who take a shitload of acid and thinks he's a glass of OJ? Yeah - so does everyone else, and it's a crock of shit
Search term: honey possum testicles
Lead them here: Unsung Heroes of the Animal Kingdom: The Honey Possum
We think this person found what they were looking for, but considering we didn't actually have a close up of the biggest balls in the world, maybe not
That wraps up January's edition of the Crazy 8 Google Searches and we'll see you again next month. Until then thanks for reading and posting links to these great articles and more on your Facebook page, because as great as Google is, it's your support and recommending our site to your friends that brings us our real fans - and for that we are truly appreciative.
Remember when the differentiators of lunch was either “Cold” or “Hot” lunch? Back in those days “Hot” lunch at the school café was $1.25. In the world we live in today, “Hot” lunch at the work café can run you on average $8 a day or $40 a week or $2,080 a year! “Cold” lunch on the other hand has very minimal costs. At Market Basket, a pound of Slim-N-Trim Turkey or Roast Beef will run you about $6, a loaf of wheat bread goes for $1.99, and a big bag of chips or fruit if you’re on a health swing should be around $4. You’re looking at $12 in total which would be $2.40 a day or $624 a year. Almost a $1,500 savings if you bring your lunch into work every day and you wonder where your money goes! Just to put that in perspective, the average person making $40,000 would have to make about $2,100 in pre-tax dollars in order to save $1,500 post taxes. I know some are pushing back saying, “I don’t want to eat a sandwich every day!” Well get creative and bring leftovers from the night before. I’m pretty positive your office or wherever you work has a microwave. If you don’t have a microwave, use your brain and think of the many things you can eat without one. You’re pretty smart. Just try to use your brain…
By Harvey Dent
I promised myself I would not write anything the day after the State of the Union in order to eliminate emotion and potential bias. After a couple of days of letting the words seep into my brain, I’m ready to talk about the hollow statements that were made by the Commander in Chief of the United States of America.
I hate to harp on our debt, as I did in my previous article, but the statement of putting a 5-year freeze and budget cutting proposals against non-security, discretionary spending is honestly a complete joke. Are people in this country stupid enough to think that this will help reduce our $14.1 trillion debt (according to Mindwafers Debt tracker in Real-Time)? Maybe a more important question; does Obama think the people of this country are stupid enough to fall for it? Non-security, discretionary spending amounts to 15% of the $3.5 trillion budget. That’s a little more than $500 billion. No, they’re not cutting $500 billion from spending; they’re just putting a freeze on it. It’s already estimated that,” The federal budget deficit will reach a record of nearly $1.5 trillion in 2011.” Can someone please explain to me how putting a five-year freeze on a tiny portion of a budget that’s running at a 40% deficit will reduce our $14.1 trillion debt?! Let’s also not forget that it’s projected, by March, we will reach our debt ceiling of $14.3 trillion. What do you think will happen next? Significant changes? My guess will be that Congress raises the debt ceiling to $16 trillion, but who cares about that. How about they take a serious look at the 3 pieces of the budget that amount to 85% of spending or almost $3 trillion? Social Security, Medicare, and Military Spending need some drastic changes and fast!
By Bobby James
Today, at 2:30 pm, Youtube held an online interview with President Obama, who vowed to answer questions submitted over the website. Over 100,000 questions were asked, ranging on issues from healthcare, defense and energy policy. However, the number one issue among the Youtube contributors was the legalization of marijuana, the top video being submitted by a police officer (from Medford!) who called for the end of marijuana prohibition. The video received over 13,000 votes.
In fact, among the top 200 submitted questions, 198 of them related to marijuana legalization, which would appear to be an overwhelming majority. So did democracy speak? Not exactly. Despite the huge number of queries, the president refused to take the subject seriously. This is nothing new. Last year, Obama held the same forum, where marijuana legalization again dominated the submissions. Obama had this as a response:
School bullying is no joke these days, and when a teacher hears from her students that one of their classmates is being spat on, choked and pushed around, they have to take it seriously. When you then hear that he threatened to bring a gun to school, you can't blame teacher Elaine Brown for calling the police.Except for when you find out the kid was 7. Yeah, that's right - 2nd grade. I'm pretty sure I dished out and received well over 100 death threats per week during that year of my life, and never was a single one taken seriously by anyone. But I guess that's the world we live in these days, where we have to be scared of someone who is 4' tall and 65 lbs. Brown however was suspended for her actions. Some parents initially defended Brown, agreeing that she was only trying to protect her class, but school officials charged that Brown didn't follow the school's bullying policies. However after much public outcry when the story got into the hands of the media, the school board caved and let Brown back in the classroom. Her first action upon her return has been rumored to be working with congress on a bill that would make "assault with an imaginary weapon" a crime punishable by mandatory time in juvenile hall. We here at Mndwafers wish her godspeed.In honor of this 7 year old natural born killa - check out the 10 Greatest Bullies of All Time presented by KidCrushy of the Grundle GangThen check out Big Sus's take on the Bully Pulpit from just a few months agoAlso we once dared to ask - is Biff Tannen a Rapist?Are you being bullied right now? Learn some self-defense techniques from bar room brawling badass Bas Rutten!
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