Greetings, MinDwAfers, boy it's been a wild week--healthcare, war, . So let's get down to business!

In the latest Tourettes fueled outburst from a member of Congress, a representative from Texas has admitted he is the one that shouted "Baby Killer!" during a open healthcare debate last Sunday. Rep. Randy Neugebauer from Texas has insisted he shouted "It's a Baby Killer" at Congressman Bart Stupak, and didn't call the Congressman a baby killer himself. Because, you know, that would be out of line. On the heels of "You Lie!" and other wild and crazy Congressional outbursts, the Capitol building is about one meltdown away from having a Kosmo Kramer at the Laugh Factory moment.

On the heels of the healthcare reform package this week, Americans reacted in tried and true fashion; unprovoked violence. Democratic supporters of the bill, as well as one republican, have found themselves buried in threatening phone calls declaring the lawmakers "baby killers" (maybe it was Neugebauer?). In addition to the verbal threats, Rep. Tom Perriello's brother discovered a propane leak at his house days after a popular tea party website posted his home address, mistakenly thinking it was Perriello's. Another incident involved a brick thrown through the window of New York Rep. Louisse Slaughter (Sgt's sister) by another tea party member. What the anti-tax tea partiers failed to realize was that their tax money will be used to replace the window.

Pop the cork on your champagne liberals! Grit your teeth conservatives! For better or for worse, Obama's healthcare bill (or a deformed mutant version of it) finally passed in the White House, with the President signing his tughra yesterday afternoon. Glenn Beck and pals cried foul, then just outright cried for 40 straight minutes because they would now have to find a new topic for their show.
    The healthcare debate has been with us so long that it's become a fabric of American society, something that bonds us together. We can't agree on much but we can agree on this; if you disagree with me on healthcare, I hate your being and everything you stand for. Yes, for a year, this issue turned us into medieval barbarians. We pulled out guns at town halls, threatened our local legislators, hurled feces at the tax man, elected a half-naked model from Cosmo magazine. What a ride man, what a ride.
      Now that it's over, I already feel a bit nostalgic for the days when we could drive a car through a group of protestors assembled at City Hall in the name of liberty. Anger ruled the day, emotion over intellect, and it makes me wonder, what will we do now? Will we take part in logical give and take discussions, noting the positives of both sides while delivering a gentle rebuke to the opposition? Maybe I'm alone here, but I think gutting a chicken, smearing it all over my face while calling the president a lollygagging socialist is much more exciting.
      

By Reece

Boy that President James K Polk is really grinding my gears these days. First, that Walker Tariff is outrageous! I don’t know how he got that passed without our trade industry becoming crippled. And if that wasn’t enough, what’s the deal with that Oregon annexation. Jeez, buddy, how many states in the Union do we need here? But enough about Polk – how about something that really doesn’t work, like the US Postal Service. I tried to send a letter to my uncle in Georgia the other day and it didn’t arrive until 3 years from now. And now they want us to use stamps? What the hell is a stamp? You mean I gotta pay to have my letter show up 3 months later by horse to my relatives. Hey, anybody have one of those crazy new telephone things? I tried to dial “9” last night to reach my brother but I accidently dialed “6” because I don’t know what numbers are because it’s 1847 and half of the country is illiterate and has the reading comprehension of a 6 year old. 

Wait. Hold on. It’s not 1847. But why have I adopted the comedy styling of a very bad stand-up comedian in the year 1847. Because apparently in Itawamba County in Mississippi, the school board, the principal and a majority of its residents have been living in the sad past. According to a national story out of Jackson, a young girl had her senior prom cancelled because she wanted to attend with her girlfriend and wear a tuxedo.  Yes, Itawamba County, I know this will shatter your perception on reality, but lesbians are real. They do exist and some actually live in Mississippi. Some are hotter than others, but that’s an entirely different column. The school officials caught wind that the girl was going to wear a tuxedo and immediately cancelled the entire school’s prom, meaning nobody – straight, gay, bi – will get to enjoy one of the fondest memories one can have of high school. Luckily the Itawamba County school officials have, with their actions, prevented the infamous Prom Monster for attacking the school children and eating girls dressed in tuxes, as we all know are their favorite snacks. What, there’s no Prom Monster? Oh that’s right. No Prom Monster. Man, I gotta stop thinking in such simplistic terms.

People wonder why the South is such an easy target, and honestly, it’s instances like this that make me wonder if we really are living in two separate countries. You read some of the responses from the school officials and it is like they have never even heard of the concept of separation of church & state. They keep falling back on the fact that American was born a “Christian nation” and we need to adhere to those principals. I’m Christian and it infuriates me that ignorant assholes lump all Christians into bible-thumping fascists that cannot deal or respect individualism or sexual identity. I am a Christian but am I gonna tell Constance McMillen that her wearing a tux fucks with my religious world? Of course not. How does it interfere with anything? I remember my prom – a girl wore a pants-suit/gender neutral type of outfit and all hell broke loose. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t dance, I couldn’t believe she actually had the nerve to show up. Oh wait, none of that happened. All 300 of us there barely noticed and then went back to figuring out where we were gonna drink afterwards and if my date would be willing to let me touch her boobs later. Would anything different have happened with Constance in Mississippi? Maybe there’d be some ignorant assholes that would have whispered something to each other, but the majority would be like, “Hey I’m at my prom, I’m having fun, high school is almost over, turn up the Jay Z.” Non-issue. Until the Itawamba County officials got involved and decided to be the Moral Police for the entire school. America is supposed to the nation of equality, but more often than not, people use our past as a nation founded in Christianity in order to push agendas that not everyone agrees with. It's makes us look not only hypocritical in the eyes of the world - "Give us your poor, your huddled masses, and make sure they read this Bible" - but makes the people that embrace equality and individualism feel like idiots when our fellow countrymen string up KKK signs or hang nooses in gymnasiums or push hate speech and action against those that are different. I get personally embarrassed by stories like this. Does anyone else? Does anyone else look at the Itawamba County officials and just wonder what the fuck went wrong in their lives where they feel the need to shit on some high school girl who just wants to go to her prom? It's utterly sad on so many levels.

So now the whole incident has blown up across the nation. The prom is cancelled; students who probably didn’t even know who Constance McMillen is are pissed, and preachers, the ALCU, the Mayor, and Congressmen are getting involved. All because this girl just wanted to wear a tuxedo and look good for her girlfriend. Hey if my daughter wants to wear a tuxedo to her prom – I’m all for it. Would I rather her wear a skinny mini-dress with a neckline plunging down to her belly button and making every teenage boy at the dance look at her like a date-rape sandwich? Hell no. If it ain’t a tuxedo, I may throw her in body armor before she leaves for the prom. 

So the debate will range on. Court proceedings are underway as we speak. In one corner, the ALCU, making million dollar demands and calling everyone in Itawamba an insensitive prick. In the other corner, the school officials, the Mayor, and other town authorities who think they have the right to interject into who dates who and who wears what to a fuckin prom dance. Lost in the middle of this shitstorm? Constance McMillen and the other 172 students who were dicked out of their dance. And amazingly, a majority of them didn’t even care that Constance wasn’t gonna wear a dress at the prom. Wow, imagine if the Itawamba County officials had consulted them in the first place and see if anybody was actually offended, as they all assumed they had been. We could’ve avoided this whole mess. 

But then again, if it's 1847, the news probably would have gotten to them too late anyway.
 

By: Chaz Pimento


Washington DC (AP) - During a rushed emergency address to the country, President Obama made a plea to citizens who received their federal refund check not to deposit until the middle of next week.


Obama's announcement comes after the Treasury realized that they didn't have enough money on reserve to cover the amount of people who were to receive their check this week. If all citizens were to deposit their checks immediately, the effects could be catastrophic for an administration that is already in hot water for their handling of the sky high deficit.


"I'll urging all Americans to bear with me," Obama said to the televised audience, "and wait until next Wednesday to put that check in the bank."
Obama continued. "I know it's a pain, but you know we're good for it. We ran into some trouble lately and had to pay off some unexpected bills."


Obama "guaranteed" that all citizens will be compensated for their refund, as long as they don't jump the gun and "screw our account up big time." 


The president then discussed the negative outcomes if Americans didn't listen to the message. "We can't afford to be bouncing checks at this point. Do you know how much banks charge for bounced checks? Eighty-five dollars a check, that's how much. Multiply that by 100 million checks and you have a serious headache for a group of people already hard-up on cash."


Recently, White House officials tried to craft a bill aiming to regulate the banking industry. Among the points considered were more controls on additional fees, including overdrawing on your debit card or the fees related to bouncing checks, which Obama called "complete and utter bullshit."


Obama finished with an impassioned plea. "Look, you guys have all been in my spot. You have a little too much to drink one night, next thing you know you bailed out the entire finance industry and asked for nothing in return. All I'm asking for is a little patience. You know I'm your boy."

The pit of incompetence that is the democratic Congress removed its head from its ass for the first time since they became the majority in senate and house. True, they spent three years using our tax money for private orgies and flights to Micronesia, but check this out: Yesterday, the House banned all earmarks that target private organizations, a huge step forward in preventing our country from becoming a Russian style mafia-run organization. 
       To brief those that are unfamiliar, earmarks are specially allocated payments spelled out in congressional bills that hand Uncle Sammy's money over to private and non-profit businesses in order for them to perform work that is somehow relevant to the progression of our country. However, due to the clusterfuck of lobbyists that are now lurking the halls of Congress, earmarks have become a "pay-for-play" system, where businesses who contribute kindly to a candidate's campaign will get their investment back in the form of...you guessed it, earmarks! What's that you say? It sounds like bribery? That's because it basically is bribery.
      Now that ol' John Murtha kicked the bucket, it seems that Congress is finally ready to tackle this little bribery problem. Murtha, a Rep. from Pennsylvania, was renowned for his use of earmarks, allocating money for everyone, from the interstate unions to the asian massage "therapist" who visited the wrinkled, eternally flacid Murtha every Friday night.
      Republicans, never wanting to be out-moralled, called for a complete ban on earmarks, including non-profits. I guess if Boeing can't get theirs, neither can Amnesty International.
      NewsBot3000 says fuck em all, it's the free market bitches. Make your money the old fashioned way: setting up sweatshops in a third world country and disposing of your hazardous waste into the said countries public garden. Who said the free market had to be nice?

-Generated by NewsBot3000

You often hear commentators state that letting Iran get away with developing nuclear power makes our country look weak. However, you don't need to look towards Mahmoud and company for evidence that we're looking weak. All you need to do is look at our allies. 
   
First, in Israel, Jumpin Joe Biden visited the land of the mensh to casually mention to Israel's Prime Minister that maybe they should make peace with those Palestinian guys...or not, Joe really couldn't give a shit if he tried. And what did Israel respond to our kind coaxing? Their Foreign Minister announced that they would resume settlements in Jerusalem, the complete polar opposite of what Biden was trying to prevent. It doesn't matter, because we'll happily bask the chosen ones with billions of our hard earned dollars so that they can blatantly ignore anything we might say to them. To put this in perspective, picture loaning your friend, let's call him Vince, $1000. Now Vince blows that money on AK-47s and asks for more the next day. You, thinking Vince is good for it, let him borrow $10,000 this time. Vince gets more AK-47s and now he has a nice little arsenal. Because he's got all these weapons, Vince starts hanging out on the neighbor's lawn, which is not good news for the neighbor, who we'll call Old Man Hammerstein. Old Man Hammerstein starts throwing balloons full of piss at Vince and it's on. Vince unloads with everything he's got. You, not wanting a battle on your already bloody hands, tell Vince to cool out and go back to his house, leaving the neighbor alone. But Vince doesn't listen and continues hanging on Old Man Hammerstein's lawn, lying in his hammock, running through his sprinkler. Then, the next day, Vince asks for $20,000. And what do you do? You give it to him if you're the United States.
  
And in other gimme gimme news, our good friends over at Pakistan pulled another good one on us. As part of a program by the Defense Department to "Meet the Neighbors (whom you regard as the Great Satan)" Pakistani diplomats were flown into the US and treated to a free hotel room, with the cost running to $200 per person. How could this go wrong. They'll come here, see how amazingly friendly we are and then go back to the Middle East and say, "You know, I think we've got it all wrong." Peace is established. 
      
However, sometimes the best laid plans o' mice o' incompetent men often go wrong. When asked to submit to a full body X-ray once in our country, the kind that we all have to go through now, the Pakistani's refused, seeing this as an act of humiliation. When they returned to Pakistan, the men were viewed as heroes to their home country. And we'll be writing them that $35 billion check any day now. Money well spent? You bet.


-B.James

Are my circuits loose or did Congress get a whole lot sexier? First, verified hunk Scott Brown motors into the Senate and now this: Eric Massa, a democratic Rep. from New York resigned from his post after former male staff members made allegations of sexual harassment. Massa contends that the incident occurred during his 50th birthday party where he was tickling one staffer until "he couldn't breathe" and that no sexual conduct took place. After, the rest of his staff hopped onto Massa and played "kill the old guy." Who knew working for a congressman would be so much fun? I always thought these guys did nothing but craft talking points and get coffee, but apparently it's like working for Andy Warhol at the factory.
    
 In a surprising twist, Massa claims that he was brought down by the democrats, particularly Rahm Emanuel, Obama's Chief of Staff, whom Massa has run into problems with in the past. Keep in mind, Rahm is brothers with Ari Emanuel, a lovable entertainment agent, who was the inspiration for the character of Ari Gold from Entourage. Because Massa was to be the deciding vote in the abortion known as a health care bill, the Rep. figures that the dems wanted to get him out of there. 
     
Perhaps it's time we put this health care mess to bed. Hasn't it caused too much trouble? Plus, I'm really sick of writing about it.


Regardless of who's telling the truth, here are two things we can gather:


1) Apparently working for a congressman involves suffering obligatory tickle attacks.
2) Rahm is one of the creepiest guys in the country, as evidenced by the following video: 

The next time someone rants about how liberal our current government is, please refer them to this article about Switzerland's attempts to establish a system of public defenders for animals. Although the public rejected the proposal, could you imagine the reaction in the US if Obama proposed using public funds to hiring lawyers for defending Daryl the Dog from charges of assaulting Greta, the neighborhood calico cat?
    This type of law actually goes back to the middle ages, when animals were put on trial for crimes. For example, a landowner's pig could be put on trial for killing another landowner's chicken. Now, the landowners wouldn't go to trial as you would think, but rather the animal itself. This type of case is covered in the film The Advocate.
    So I guess until the Swiss approve these laws, poor animals will have no access to good attorneys and thrown in the slammer for things such as stealing table scraps and nipping at Lil Abigail's finger. Meanwhile, the wealthy pekinese gets off of a mouse murder rap and now appears on Dancing with the Stars. Justice indeed.

-Generated by Newsbot 3000