A US federal watchdog announced that almost $9 billion was lost by the military. When asked about the funds, General Petraus shrugged. The money was collected from the sale of Iraqi oil and gas; so much for that big payday we were promised from the Iraqi's oil. On the bright side, if you happen to be in Iraqi with one of those beach metal detectors, you might be in the position to find a box of money containing $9 billion dollars. I'm sure you can find a better use for it than the US government.
Coincidentally, military leaders were seen soon after the report, driving around in gold plated Rolls Royces and lighting hundred dollar bills on fire with other hundred dollar bills. They must have hit the lottery or something.


-Generated by NewsBot3000

Despite the recent release of thousands of pages detailing how truly fucked the situation in Afghanistan has become, the resolution to fund Obama's 'surge' Afghanistan passed the House easily, as only 102 democrats voted 'no' while the rest are still nervous about that whole 'unamerican' thing. On a positive note, every Massachusetts rep, except for Stephen Lynch, voted 'no' on the bill, maintaining at least a little bit of credibility for our state.
The vote came days after Wikileaks showed the world that even our own government believes the war is going badly. The Obama administration countered that the documents were written before the recent surge and that the information is now outdated. Because we know how well the war is going now, right?

The damage of the bill? $33 billion...yup, $33 billion of our tax dollars, again pissed away to warlords, opium dealers and crooked Afghani politicians.

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but when are Americans going to get angry about this pointless war? With all the grumbling from the Tea Partiers about wasting funds, why aren't votes like these even mentioned? Included in the bill is funding for the F-35 fighter jet replacement engine, which Robert Gates, the Defense Secretary, has declared many times is a waste of money. Gates has made it his personal mission to scrap F-35 funding, which would save us $485 million, which, I realize, would pay off about 1/1000000 of our national deficit. However, a separate program supplying funding Boeing's C-17 cargo planes would save us $7 billion, a substantial amount, more than 1/5 of the total bill. Minority leader John Bohner supports both these projects for some reason (hint, hint, he gets a lot of campaign fun bucks) although they've been shown to be unnecessary by independent military investigations.
But again, we here the old argument that it will cost Americans jobs, as if the only thing Americans are skilled at are making weapons. That's what you get when you have an economy built around war. Just like China has to keep selling us broken iPods to keep their economy afloat, we need to keep those wars coming.



-B.James

While the news cycles inundated us with news of how the newest round of Afghanistan funding made it through the senate, another measure was voted on today and was subsequently killed by legislators and ignored by the media. Anti-war Rep. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio proposed a bill today concerning the ceasing of military activity in Pakistan. No, I didn't mean to type Afghanistan; did you know that we have troops in Pakistan too? Drone jets attack weekly in the country, often killing civilians along with the baddies, while special forces are situated throughout to provide 'assistance' to Pakistani troops in fighting al qaida. For anyone who read any of the wikileaks documents released this week, note the parts about American concerns that the Pakistani special forces are aiding the Taliban in Afghanistan. So what are we assisting exactly? How to defeat ourselves in a neighboring country?


This isn't the first time Kucinich has been ignored. Most of the bills he proposed are defeated handily by a congress with balls the size of peas. He addressed evacuating Afghanistan earlier this year, it was voted on and we didn't hear a peep in the media. During those good ol' days of the healthcare debate, Kucinich proposed a bill that would provide free nationwide access to healthcare and was, again, laughed off the stage.

But this time, Dennis brought a friend in Republican Ron Paul. If you remember, Paul was voted the favorite in a Tea Party poll last year, only to have his acceptance speech be overshadowed by the Alaskan dimwit herself, Sarah Palin, who is secretly hated among real Tea Partiers for her simplistic message and inability to speak a coherent sentence. However, the bill still went down in flames with a 38-372 vote. 
 
Just wait a few months until we're hearing about how the Taliban will use Pakistan's nuclear weapons (which we've heard very little about) against us. Looks like we've got our next war already carved out.



-B.James

Paris (AP) - Scientists across Europe are meeting this week to discuss the creation of a brand new Large Haldron Collider, the atom smashing device that earlier this year reproduced a small scale Big Bang, which created our universe. However, scientists now are looking towards creating a larger, updated version of the Large Haldron Collider, and they have decided they want acclaimed film director James Cameron to helm the project. Cameron, the mastermind behind such epic blockbusters like Titantic and Avatar, has been hand chosen amongst a field of dedicated scientists, nuclear physicists, and engineers to create the Even Larger Haldron Collider, one that promises to be "bigger, badder, and even more atom smashier", according to Cameron's production company, Lightstorm Entertainment.

"Let's face it, nobody cares about a Large Collider anymore," said CERN spokesperson Anton Badater. "That was so 2008. People want a Really Large Collider. They want things bigger and sexier and on a grander scale. Bigger, fuller, sexier is the new science these days. This isn't your Mom and Dad's astro-physics. We aren't interested in testing the Big Bang Theory anymore. We want to test the Really Big Bang Theory."

Scientists from around the globe have been clamoring to know how Cameron will be tackling this project. "It's a very exciting time for science," Professor Guag Uberdurk, a visiting speaker at MIT, originally from Sweden. "We have been trying to figure out a way to shoot atoms straight on instead of projecting them in swirling rings. We anticipate with Cameron's knowledge of CGI and special effects, he will be able to create some kind of apparatus to fire these delicate atoms at astronomical speeds in order to make them smash. Will he use something he made on the set of Termiantor 2? Or Aliens? Or even Avatar? We do not know. All we know is we are terribly excited to see if he casts Sam Worthington is any roles to help build our Haldron Collider."

While Cameron has absolutely no scientific background whatsoever, scientists at the foreground know that while they may hold the PhDs, Camerson posses the intimiate knowledge of what CERN lacks - building future machines that can destroy humanity and guns that can shoot atoms. According to CERN, operator of current the world's largest particle accelator in Genevea, they are in need of an linear atom blaster,. which may all acounts is a device that simple scientists just can't conceptualize.

"We are great with algebra, equations, physics, sure," said Uberdurk, "But a linear atom blaster? That just sounds like a Hollywood weapon to me, something the X-Men might need to fight Magneto. I have no idea where we would even start. But Cameron - now he seems like the type of guy that could invent that."  

Imdb.com has yet to announce any formal details on the Cameron-Large Haldron Collider project, but sources in both the scientific and Hollywood community believe that Cameron will begin scouting locations for the Even Larger device, which must be at least a few hundred miles long and may project a budget of over $500 billion, whcih would dwarf any past project Cameron has made. Cameron reps have not discussed figures but have apparently agreed to lower his directorial salary demands in exchange for a marginal cut of the gross profits of the Even Larger Haldron Collider.

"It's like when Jack Nicholson agreed to cut his normal fee for Batman and instead received a percentage of the movie's total earnings," said Badater. "He ended up making like $50 million off that one role. Well Cameron may not make as much in the director's chair for this one, but if he can make the Even Larger Haldron Collider work, there's no limit to what we can market. Atom-smashing lunchboxes. Atom-smashing soft drinks. Video games where kids can smash protons with other kids on the other side of the world with an Xbox hook-up. Not only will Cameron have succeeded in making a recreation of the birth of our universe, but he stands to make considerable cash if the creation of this universe is trademarked as a James Cameron production."

-Reece contributed to this story.

Two high profile, head exploding leaks were exposed over the past two weeks that could do some serious damage our government's credibility. That is, if our citizenry are actually paying attention (and that's a big if).
First, the Washington Post featured a four-part series based upon years of investigation into the Pentagon's clusterfuck of a homeland security operation. If you haven't read it yet, you have to at least skim through these pieces because they're unbelievable in their breadth and how much it confirms Eisenhower's farewell warning to prevent a military industrial complex from running amok.

It seems that it has officially reached amok. 

Among the insanity is a system of outside contractors that's so labrynth-like that David Bowie and that little baby were given security passes. The Post points out that so many people now have security clearances within the government, that they now outnumber the population of Washington D.C. And how do we keep track of all these clearances? We don't! Hence the leakage problem. 

The Pentagon reacted to the piece fiercely, accusing the Posters as giving away sensitive information, as if it were a leak. The only problem is that it wasn't a leak at all. The reporters were confused because they claim that the quotes were all on the record and, during the investigating, the Pentagon was actually cooperative. Maybe they thought that the Post was running one of those summer-time fun fashion issues featuring Pentagon paper pushers.

So far though, at least as far as we know, the leaks have been positive, at least in terms of us knowing where the fuck our tax money is being pissed away to. Yesterday, the infamous Wikileaks website, released a series of documents to the New York Times and The Guardian so as to provide maximum exposure. The leaks followed the trajectory of the war in Afghanistan and showed a not too sunny picture of how officials really view our search for the Taliban, or Osama, or al qaida, or...whatever we're there for. 

According to the documents, officials are concerned that Pakistan is aiding the insurgency in order to destabilize Afghanistan, something we all kind of knew. However, no American official has admitted to this fear, and they still haven't really (it is a leak after all, meaning we weren't supposed to see it).

In true White House fashion, they pulled the ol' "it's a security risk" card, while not actually denying anything actually written in the documents. I know I'm not a military commander (although I can kick some colonizing ass in Risk) but explain to me how finding out that even our own government doesn't think the war is going well constitutes a security risk. Aren't we supposed to hear the truth? It's not as if the documents give away strategy or locations, it's confirming what more than half the country already knew: that we're fighting yet another pointless and costly war.

The truth is that the 'leaks' shouldn't have even had to have been leaks. Finding out that our tax money is being used to finance an incomprehensible system of defense, where more people have security clearances than saw the final episode of MASH shouldn't be private information. Nor should it be secret that our leaders don't believe in a war that's being financed by us. If a dollar of our money is involved, shouldn't we have a right to know what it's used for. If you had a junkie friend who asked you for $20 every week, wouldn't you want to know what he's buying?

I guess this wasn't so brief.


-B.James

AP - (Phoenix, AZ)  At the center of the immigration controversy, there exists an ethnic group that has yet to have it's voice be heard amongst the protests, boycotts, and general revelry that has besieged Arizona in the months following the introduction of the Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act. The plight of the too-tanned white person has emerged from obscurity throughout the Arizona immigration controversy, and now, tanned white people who have been accosted by officials are finally letting their concerns be heard. Once drowned out by the majority of Latino and Hispanic protest group, the overly tan white is now voicing its disapproval for this infamous legislation.

Arizona has always been a popular retiree desination for all types of white people. And while it is no secret that white people tend to tan poorly in oppressive, hot sun, they nevertheless come to Arizona in droves to fill condos, over 55+ living communities and RV parks. But thanks to the new legslation which requires any individual who may resemble an illegal alien to produce immigration documents, suddenly having leatherly dark skin and a bronze complexion is no longer a desire for the majority of Arizonians.

"This law has really become an abomination," states Morty Feingold, a 79 year bronzed retiree originally from Staten Island, New York. Marty is head of the Arizona's Stop The Unlawful Persecution Involving Tan Denizens chapter, a grassroot organization aimed at righting the wrongs made against Arizona's very legal and very tan population. Morty, who is a former yuppie and retired fourteen years ago to Tempe with his wife Ethel and their two French poodles, has been approached twice by sheriff and immigration officials. Once it was outside a bingo parlor in Sedona, and the second time while on traveling to a health spa resulted in charges of resisting arrest. The charges were later dropped, but the incident prompted Marty to research "this whole crazy law thing" on that Internet do-hickey, and discover that other very tan Arizonians had been victimized by immigration officials. too

"We have over 200 members right now belonging to STUPITD," Marty reports proudly. "And new members everyday join to let us how they have been victimized. At the pools, at their local hardware stores, even at the golf course. I have over 500 pages of testimonals from people in Arizona that are as white as you or me that have been harrassed by the coppers!"

One thing is for sure, it's a bad time to be a Mexican in the US; or Salvadoran, Honduran, Costa Rican, Colombian or...it's bad to be a brown person, let's just leave it at that. The past decade has seen in a rise in anti-central and South American immigrants and it seems to be coming to an inevitable climax. Taking a queue from history, cases of racism and anti-immigration are always on the rise when an economy is tanking, which is the present case, no matter what recent reports of the contrary will tell you. The Mexicans are the new Irish, Italians, Jews and any other immigrant group who's experienced prejudice in our country during a down economy. Of course the difference, as proponents love to point out, is those other groups immigrated legally while the new crop don't bother with the legalities, preferring to hop in the cab of a pickup and enduring life threatening heat in order to live a shitty life here. 
What these proponents don't mention, however, is that in the early century when these waves of immigrants were arriving, we were a country in desperate need of workers. So what better than cheap, desperate labor? Now, our immigration system is littered with red tape, where an application for citizenry can take decades to go through. At the same time, jobs are declining, not because of these illegals, but because our manufacturing jobs have been shipped overseas. It turns out that they can get even cheaper labor in third world countries. And who says there's no loyalty in the American marketplace?

The Afghani war has officially reached the point where officials are throwing up their hands and saying 'fuck it.' The newest plan, which at first glance doesn't seem so bad, is to basically arm the country to the teeth, pay them, then tell everybody to shoot the bad guys.


In a fundamental way, the strategy is correct in what we need to do; put the responsibility of fighting on the Afghanis since it is their country after all. By empowering the citizenry, we're giving the people power over those that are undermining peace and stability, while providing a way out for our own troops. It's not unlike the "Awakening" in Iraq, where former Sunni insurgents were paid to fight against al qaida. The Awakening is widely viewed as a victory and a turning point in the Iraq War. What is rarely mentioned is that, while the Sunnis did indeed fight al qaida, they also targeted rival Shiites, igniting a virtual religious war that we even seen the end, especially if largely Shiite Iran gets involved, which they no doubt will.

Besides my once a year journey through Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged and my daily skimming through USA Today, Rod Pilf rarely has time to read, especially books. Being a conservative activist, seething with anger, rarely pairs well with an activity so passive as reading. I believe in the saying that "actions are louder than words." But what truly intrigues the Pilf is when actions are words. That is the case with Sean Hannity's latest opus, entitled Conservative Victory, a pairing of words so powerful that actual tears trickled down my cheeks; only for the third time in my life, the others being when Jimmy Carter was elected president and after the final episode of Sliders.

It's evident from the very first pages that Hannity is full blooded American, as he frequently cites our conservative demigod Ronald Reagan. Hannity make the wise decision to quote Reagan so much that the book could have been written by Reagan from the grave. As odd as it sounds, nothing excites me more than an undead Ronald Reagan rising from the grave to take our country back from the godless, socialist liberals whom Reagan castigated in his reigning years. He says that privately owned business is blamed for spoiling the environment, a charge that could again be brought up today, with the unfair treatment of BP and their little mistake that the media turned into a circus. I mean, oil comes from the Earth, what's the big deal?