Romney shows his rugged individualism by laundering his money by hand
NewsBot 3000 is proud to bring you all the best news of the week in one tidy, neat package for your reading pleasure. My programming believes calling this the Weak In Review is an error, but the programmers at Mindwafers have insisted that this week, like every week, is weak. Enjoy!
So anything good happen this week? Anything? Hmm? Bueller? Bueller?
Oh here's a funny story I heard on the bus:
There was this guy, I think his name was Sam something, I don't know, something foreign. Anyway, he was shacked up in this house in Egypt, or Iraq or one of those places we're fighting. So he's reading the paper and all of a sudden, Navy SEALS rush the place and shoot him! AndBut the bullets were rubber. See it was all a part of this practical joke show, like Punk'd on MTV. What happened to Ashton Kutcher anyway. Regardless, I'll have to get back to you on the details on the story of Sam...or Samo, or whatever his name was. Somehow, he cost our country $3 trillion dollars. That's a lot of zeros.
On another note, can we agree on a spelling for Osama/Usama. I mean, how are we supposed to agree on a hot acronym like OBL or UBL if we can't agree on spelling the guy's name. Come on America, we need to come together here, for freedom.
Oh here's a funny story I heard on the bus:
There was this guy, I think his name was Sam something, I don't know, something foreign. Anyway, he was shacked up in this house in Egypt, or Iraq or one of those places we're fighting. So he's reading the paper and all of a sudden, Navy SEALS rush the place and shoot him! AndBut the bullets were rubber. See it was all a part of this practical joke show, like Punk'd on MTV. What happened to Ashton Kutcher anyway. Regardless, I'll have to get back to you on the details on the story of Sam...or Samo, or whatever his name was. Somehow, he cost our country $3 trillion dollars. That's a lot of zeros.
On another note, can we agree on a spelling for Osama/Usama. I mean, how are we supposed to agree on a hot acronym like OBL or UBL if we can't agree on spelling the guy's name. Come on America, we need to come together here, for freedom.
In non-Osama Bin Laden news, hilarious political hopeful Donald Trump is the subject of a Facebook campaign to get him removed from piloting the pace car at the Indianapolis 500 as celebrities have kicked off the NASCAR event in the past. The Facebook movement to “Bump Trump” by organizer Michael Wallack is in direct response to Trump’s “birther” tactics, which Wallack and his supported deem as overtly racist. “We have enough racists in NASCAR.” Wallack posted on his Facebook wall. “We don’t need anymore.”
An $80,000 motorbike that was stolen in Texas last year was recovered in the Philippines. The bike and the owner, pictured here, are said to be very happy to be together again.
The last World War I vet has died, at age 110. The British man, who joined the Navy at age 14, saw two world wars and published an autobiography of his life in 2009. His last words were said to have been, “Huh? WHAT?”
Spain’s government has officially apologized and condemned the killing of 37 Jews during the Spanish Inquisition in 1691, more than 3 centuries after the Spanish rule at the time had been forcing all subjects to convert to Catholicism or die. Oh vey! Better late than never, I suppose. We can only assume that apologies to Muslims and Protestants for the atrocities they suffered during the Inquisitions are just around the corner….(crickets)
GOP hopeful and Mormon Mitt Romney was hit with a complaint filed by the New Hampshire Democratic Party, who are questioning whether the money Romney has raised for his possible Presidential campaign was raised through his state political action committees, which cannot be used towards presidential election bids. Romney’s response about the $1.9 million his committees have raised: “Guys, I have nine wives running around here. I have no idea where all this money is coming and going. But more importantly have you seen my hair? It’s phenomenal.”
Big oil had a good and bad times this week. On the good side, the Republican controlled house voted against ending subsidies targeting the oil companies, with some help from some Democrats. It just so happens that the members of congress who voted against the subsidies received $8.7 million in campaign contributions from...Big Oil! (by the way, is there such a thing as small oil?) But the tide quickly turned when oil prices dropped, kind of like my robot soul dropped after seeing the insane profits that these companies are making. Will the price drop mean that oil companies will go out of business? Of course not, Uncle Sam will be there to get them out of the rut...using our money of course.
Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense under G.W. is all over the news these days after Osama's death. In a sign of humility, Rumsfeld is giving all the credit of the capture to...waterboarding. That's right, the king of doublespeak has been talking up waterboarding as if he were selling torture tactics door to door. However, on Sean Hannity's show two days ago, he stopped short of saying that intelligence leading to Osama was gained through torture. Rather than being useful, Rumsfeld said that waterboarding is just "a really good time." He then demonstrated by waterboarding Hannity to the delight of the audience.
Rumsfeld's old boss, G.W. is back in the news too, although in a more reserved way. As President Obama announced his plans to visit ground zero a few days after Osama's death, he was informed that he would be flying solo. It turns out that The Decider refused to visit ground zero with Obama because his feelings were hurt that he wasn't given any credit for Osama's capture. Bush insisted to his staff that he was "okay" but spent the rest of the day in his room, staring out the window and listening to The Cure. Laura Bush, the former first lady, said she's worried about her husband because she made him a turkey sandwich hours ago and he hasn't taken a bite. She claims he hasn't eaten in a day and half.
Oh and finally, in minor news, scientists say that arctic warming could raise the sea level 5 feet and kinda, sorta...obliterate us all. No big deal. We'll worry about it when we get there. We'll believe it when we see it...then we'll die. How's that economic growth doin' for ya? But most people have dismissed the report of scaremongering. Oh you scientists, stop using your scare tactics, with your "science". Why can't you be more like politicians and tell it like it is rather than scaring us into obediance. You could take a note Mr. Scientist. That is all.
Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense under G.W. is all over the news these days after Osama's death. In a sign of humility, Rumsfeld is giving all the credit of the capture to...waterboarding. That's right, the king of doublespeak has been talking up waterboarding as if he were selling torture tactics door to door. However, on Sean Hannity's show two days ago, he stopped short of saying that intelligence leading to Osama was gained through torture. Rather than being useful, Rumsfeld said that waterboarding is just "a really good time." He then demonstrated by waterboarding Hannity to the delight of the audience.
Rumsfeld's old boss, G.W. is back in the news too, although in a more reserved way. As President Obama announced his plans to visit ground zero a few days after Osama's death, he was informed that he would be flying solo. It turns out that The Decider refused to visit ground zero with Obama because his feelings were hurt that he wasn't given any credit for Osama's capture. Bush insisted to his staff that he was "okay" but spent the rest of the day in his room, staring out the window and listening to The Cure. Laura Bush, the former first lady, said she's worried about her husband because she made him a turkey sandwich hours ago and he hasn't taken a bite. She claims he hasn't eaten in a day and half.
Oh and finally, in minor news, scientists say that arctic warming could raise the sea level 5 feet and kinda, sorta...obliterate us all. No big deal. We'll worry about it when we get there. We'll believe it when we see it...then we'll die. How's that economic growth doin' for ya? But most people have dismissed the report of scaremongering. Oh you scientists, stop using your scare tactics, with your "science". Why can't you be more like politicians and tell it like it is rather than scaring us into obediance. You could take a note Mr. Scientist. That is all.
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